Twins of differing ages, from infants and children to adults, experience the loss of their twin in different ways. But always, no matter what, this is a devastating, highly sensitive and traumatic event for the twin who survives. It is sad and frightening even for the surviving twin’s family and close friends, and takes a long time to process.
Perhaps young twins suffer more and in a different way and for a longer time because communicating their sense of emptiness and loneliness is extremely difficult. In some situations, non-verbal children will have behavioral problems that serve as clues to the terrible pain of losing their twin. For example, fighting with their parents (the bearers of the bad news), crying, and general unhappiness can be observed when a twin realizes his or her co-twin is not by their side and can’t be found in any of the usual places.
There are different pathways that can help grieving twins. Often, later in life, memories of the lost twin will be recovered in bits and pieces. Many twins try to process their thoughts, feelings and reactions with the help of a professional or by writing a journal or book, or constructing a work of art. It is hopefully much less painful when the lost twin is talked about and understood in perspective. I would urge you not to give up on re-telling your twin loss experience.
The Painful Struggle
Twins who are struggling with twin loss ask themselves and close others: Will I recover from the permanent absence of my twin sister or brother? Many twins have anticipated that when they do lose their twin, they will have difficulty getting on with their lives. Clearly, anticipation of the loss and the actual loss itself is frightening and overwhelming for the majority of twins who I have met in my research, teaching and consultations.
Understanding the Depth of Twin Loss
The reason the experience of twin loss is perhaps the most difficult loss to tolerate is the deep and highly enmeshed closeness that many twins share. Naturally, the twin bond when established can create dependence on one another for decision-making and companionship. Gradually, when decision-making is done together, individual decisions lose importance.
Unfortunately, when parents are not attentive to each individual child, slowly the twin relationship becomes over-identified and it becomes harder for twins to get through day-to-day life. For example, what should we have for lunch? What should we wear to school? Who should we get together with on Saturday? When the co-twin is not available to answer questions it creates anxiety for the other twin.
Twin closeness is understandable, predictable and normal, given the close physical and emotional connections they easily share day in and day out. Unfortunately, relying on each other can become a liability and even be dangerous in situations where the co-twin cannot and should not be involved. The most common over-involvement is when a new friend (John) gets close to the twin (whichever one) and tries to change the original way these twins relate to each other. I have heard a story where John then insists that twin Laura is too close to her twin sister Maura. And in fact, the twins are too close. But they need to develop more independence on their own. An outsider’s opinion is just his opinion, not a requirement to follow. Outsiders’ intrusive opinions have hurt and shocked me, and should be seen as unhelpful by twins and their caregivers.
For the sake of clarity, I must add that twins are two separate individuals and need to be treated as two individuals, not one. I recall a funny and telling story about outsiders who were very unfamiliar with look-alike twins. When my sister and I went to kindergarten a fellow classmate, Reggie, told her mother that there was a girl with two heads in her class. Reggie’s mom called our mom, who was well-known as the mother of twins, to alert her of this conversation about her two-headed daughter or daughters. Our mom was happy about our new label as The Girl with Two Heads because it made her feel special. Mom should have been concerned about our individuality. Fortunately, my sister and I were too young to understand the ramifications of our mother not seeing us as individuals. As you must know, I developed a lifelong interest in de-constructing the myth that twins are copies of one another.
The Importance of Individuality in Twin Relationships
Developing unique identity in each child is essential for a healthy and resilient personhood alongside the twin relationship. Predictably, onlookers do stare at twins (which includes me as well, especially young twins). Bringing constant attention to the twins’ similarities and differences can be psychologically damaging. Competition based upon the twins’ own and others’ comparisons can be triggered when real differences between twins are not carefully and thoughtfully determined and explored.
Understanding Twins Essential Reads
Explaining twinship to young twins is possible but has limitations that are significant to individual development. Some parents want their twin children to be able to cope with the constant comparisons to each other, which is an impossible request. Confusion-related comparisons are so damaging that caretakers should protect their twins from this emotional abuse (“which one are you?”). While a change in life situations, such as serious illness or death of a family member may alter personality development, the underlying individual still exists and survives as his or her core self. Being forced to answer to the clueless interrogatory of “which twin are you” is harmful.
Conclusions
How twins deal with the loss of their sister or brother varies and depends on parenting and support from an early age to the time of their loss and thereafter. Twins who are not the focus of parental attention and neglected will take too much care of their co-twin and won’t be able to be an adequate true parent to their brother or sister. When twins “parent” each other, identity confusion is unfortunate but highly probable. Negligent parenting will limit the growth of individual identity for the survivor when their twin dies. Of course there are other factors, such as emotional stability in the surviving twin and how much hands-on support is available from family and friends. Having a support group of twin loss survivors is also essential if possible.
Too much closeness and enmeshment creates serious problems when twins are not separated from each other on a regular and predictable basis. Who is in charge of making a decision can be confusing for the twins and for others who are involved in their life struggles. For example, I once consulted with a mother of twins who allowed her daughters to work together on their homework all of the time. This mom did not know that one daughter was in charge of reading and the other daughter was in charge of math. She thought they were just working together quietly. But when the reading twin got sick the math twin was totally lost and the teachers thought that she could not read. Well, she had not “had to learn” to read because it was not her responsibility. The nature of the problem was not academic but very much twin enmeshment.
Twins can suffer from too much closeness and the need to be together, which promotes enmeshment and over-identification. The most important issue in raising twins is separation that allows twins to learn how to make their own decisions.
I would like to talk to more twin loss survivors, perhaps in a group setting.
