The popularity of divorce and nonmarital childbirth means that many people who already have children later form romantic relationships with other adults. Polyamorists and other nonmonogamous parents also form new romantic relationships. All of that means that parents need to figure out how their partners will interact with their children.
The following list is inspired by Polyam Parenting founder Jen Gerardy’s work on polyamorous parenting. A Holistic Family Consultant, breastfeeding advisor, and mediator, Gerardy helps parents juggle the commitments and emotional work of raising children in non-monogamous families. Below I condense Gerardy’s work and divide it into three sections:
Getting Started
1. Titles: What will we call each other? What will the child call each of us? Who gets to decide? Many polyamorous families often use the adults’ first names until otherwise noted. If the child(ren) want to call the adults something else, the kids usually create the name or nickname.
2. Affection: How are we going to express affection in front of the child? How do we show affection to the child, and how are they allowed to show affection to adults? For example, many parents prefer to allow their children to choose if they want to hug an adult or not, though some older adults can get very upset when a child refuses to hug them. How will the polycule handle it if their child does not want to hug Great Auntie Sue?
3. Time: How much time will we spend together with the child? How much time will members of the polycule spend with each other, apart from the child? Who will spend solo time with the child, and under what circumstances? Who is responsible for the child at various times? Who gets free time from parental responsibilities?
Daily Life
4. Daily care: How will we manage the feeding, transit, supervision, dressing, hygiene, and discipline of the children? How will the adults navigate it if someone feeds the child too much sugar or fails to make them brush their teeth? Who is responsible for overseeing the children’s daily well-being?
5. Space or housing: Who lives where, and what are the boundaries of the children’s space? What kind of space is dedicated to the adults? Who is responsible for financing, cleaning, organizing, and furnishing it? Who has their own space and who has to share? Is a partner moving into the child’s existing home? Is the child moving in with a partner? Do people live separately but spend quite a bit of time in each other’s environments? What boundaries shape the kids’ access to space?
6. Behavior: How do we behave towards each other as parents? How do we behave towards the kids? Who is responsible for the kids’ behavior? Who has the authority to enforce consequences for misbehavior?
Long Haul
7. Money: Who pays for the kids to go to college? Who buys their clothes, food, and housing? Who will pay for medical bills or orthodontia? How will the adults work out collaborative and/or separate money for themselves and the children?
8. Milestones: Who is invited to attend parties, birthdays, retirement events, weddings, funerals, holiday meals, and all the other holidays or events? What kinds of gifts do we give each other, and the kids? How do we present each other to others? What if some people are out as polyamorous but others are closeted?
Polyamory Essential Reads
9. Official recognition: Who is the legal representative of the children? Who can make medical and/or educational decisions? How many people can sign up to pick them up from school, and under what circumstances? Who can act as an emergency contact?
10. If the adults break up: Who is allowed to maintain contact with the children after the adults break up, and how can they do so? What circumstances do people need to retain contact with the kids and other adults in the polycule, and when do they know to cut contact with their exes? If the adults cut contact, will the children also be required to cut contact? Who has financial obligations to the children? Who has financial obligations to the other adults for raising the children (alimony)? Who has custody of the children, who is allowed visitation, and who gets to decide?
Preparing for Success
Polycules that are adding new partners to existing children’s lives or planning to have children together must consider many things. As with so many things connected to nonmonogamy, communication turns out to be a crucial ingredient when creating family boundaries. Gerardy believes that polyamorous people can have close relationships with their children and partners as long as they balance their time and energy.
“Polyamory and parenting requires self-reflection, strong boundaries, clear communication, and healthy community, but it pays dividends in fulfilling relationships for you and your kids. The first and most important step any parent, future parent, or someone dating a parent can take is to really be clear about what you need and what works for you. Do you need a lot of quiet time, or do you prefer to be surrounded by bustle? Do you want partners to be supports for the challenges of daily life, or a break from the mundane? What is important in your life beyond the roles of parent and partner? The more honestly you approach your own needs and wants, the more openly you can collaborate with potential partners on their role in your children’s lives.”
Obviously, there are more than 10 issues for any parent to explore, and that is true here as well. Discussing these top 10 issues with your partners, no matter what kind of blended family you create, can help polycules and other blended families negotiate clear boundaries and expectations with adults and kids. It can help people decide if and when they want to co-parent with others, and where they might disagree on current or future issues. Exploring these issues before having children, or as early in a dating relationship as possible, can help alleviate future stress.
