Psychologically speaking, twins are born as twins and as individuals with a passion for their individuality and the fun and comfort of having someone who understands them very deeply. Side by side and intertwined, both identities continue to grow and mature together. Once a twin, always a twin, even though the nature of the twin relationship changes over time and with the environmental and internal stress that creates necessity for many types of significant life changes.
Unlike single born children, individuality evolves in the context of being a twin. And twinship always includes individuality in spite of a desperate need for closeness that twins share. In contrast, I consult with an adult twin who always wants to consider what it would be like to grow up as a single person. She wonders how different her decisions would be if she had no one to consider what she was going to do. But I can only guess about singleton status because I am a twin myself who wishes I could answer her question. Unfortunately I have not found the answer as yet, although I have really tried.
When I look in the mirror I always see my sister staring at me and she sees me looking at her. Are we staring at each other or is this a side effect of being a twin? Often I say to myself, “Try not to see her,” but I can’t do it just naturally. I have to put real effort into seeing only myself. I really can’t explain the work it takes me to be alone in the mirror.
I have to admit that thankfully more often I only see myself without my sister in the mirror, but if I am in a bad mood I definitely avoid mirrors. Sometimes I cannot forget that I am a twin as hard as I try. I know in my heart that we are very different people both personality–wise and intellectually. I long to get over fearing that I am only half of a whole person and resolve my need to be alone in the mirror.
Getting Help to Understand My Issues with Twinship
Childhood as a twin was never as stressful as it was when I grew up and realized I was different than the children who did not have a twin. I tried my hardest to fit in with the other non-twin students. I spent much less time with my sister. We made our own friends. We still valued and looked forward to our closeness. Gradually we learned that always being together could be stifling.
When I sought out therapy as a young woman in my early twenties I was confused about my identity as a twin and as an individual. My sister and I were finally separated verbally/metaphorically and physically as she went to Sweden with her husband-artist doing a fellowship in sculpture. We wrote to each other but there was no internet with email, and phone calls were very costly. I tried not to miss her and my children and husband helped me. There was a dread that haunted me no matter what I tried. Nobody seemed to understand my discomfort. She was not around to share an ice cream cone or listen to my fights with my husband and give me advice. I was lonely and wanted to get over this painful empty emotion of loss. Missing my sister’s point of view often led to confusion about making decisions.
I learned the hard way that getting over being a twin was not as easy as I thought it would be. Twin replacement provided some relief from missing my twin but the loneliness always returned. I frantically kept trying to understand the problems I had being a twin. In graduate school my doctoral advisor said to write about something that I knew a lot about and I came up with writing about being a twin. Writing (books and online) and my educational groups for estranged twins profoundly affected me and helped me feel that, psychologically speaking, I was not half of a whole person. For me, being separate from my twin was freeing and extremely valuable. It took many years but I learned gradually to just take care of myself. I gained insight into the struggles that most twins face relating to the non-twin world. My writing about twins has given many struggling twins hope that they are not alone with the significant problem of being a twin. Truly, not all twins get along and many twins are estranged.
I now know that getting over (not) being alone in the mirror is just one of the hard aspects of being a twin. There are many wonderful and joy-filled aspects of twinship to enjoy without feeling like a misfit with single-born individuals. Fighting with your twin and feeling estranged is very common and not a sign that you are “failing” as a twin. You can learn to communicate with your twin and not fear his or her humiliation. It takes time and a focus on communication as well as help from other twins or people who work with twins.
Don’t Give Up On Your Individuality
My book Alone in the Mirror, which just came out in paperback, explains in detail why twins fear being alone and also being too close to one another. I share stories from my life and the lives of twins who work with me and suggest ways you can protect yourself from too much inter-connectedness and loneliness. I am hopeful that reading Alone in the Mirror will help twins and the people who are closely involved in their lives to understand twin dilemmas and the twin struggles of living in a non-twin world.
Understanding Twins Essential Reads
Recommendations That Work to Promote Individual Identity and Twin Closeness
1. Do not share all of your personal belongings, friends, and ideas with your twin.
2. Make it clear to your twin what items and ideas belong only to you.
3. Have enough alone time with people you are close to without your twin. I guess it’s not really alone time; it is non-twin time.
4. Talk about how you are affected by comparisons and questions about you and your twin.
5. Find places that you and your twin do not share.
6. Give your twin advice but don’t insist that your advice has to be followed.
7. Make special times to be alone with your twin and try to be available to connect at that time.
