In my mental vault for thorny memories, there is a section reserved for insensitive people.
One memory involves a colleague from a previous job whom we will call Brenda. During a staff meeting, another colleague (we will call Sam) announced he was resigning because he had a serious health problem. Brenda looked down on her cellphone and smiled, seemingly amused by a text message.
I felt angry. How could she smirk at a time like this? Was she looking at photos of her new puppy? Laughing at a silly joke her friend sent her?
My other colleagues didn’t seem to notice Brenda’s behavior, and it’s fair to say she wasn’t being mean—after all, it wasn’t like she laughed out loud at Sam during the meeting. Rather, I thought she was being insensitive.
By insensitive, I mean relatively less sensitive than me, a highly sensitive person (HSP). HSP is a term that describes people who react strongly to emotions and are highly attuned to others’ emotional expressions. Although HSPs are easily overwhelmed by the outside world, they are also deep thinkers and highly empathic.
Less-sensitive people, on the other hand, are less anxious than HSPs, and their positivity makes them fun to be around. Though they can show empathy, they don’t always prioritize others’ feelings in every situation. This can be a good thing because it prevents them from trying too hard to please others in every situation. But sometimes they risk coming off as oblivious to others’ hardships. Consider Brenda.
For HSPs like me, the Brendas of the world can trigger feelings of invalidation, frustration, and distrust. Whether they order the spiciest dish on the menu without asking about your preferences or dismiss your concerns about the strict new policies in the employee handbook because “nobody will enforce them,” less-sensitive people try to sell you their perspective when you want yours to be validated, however less rosy it may be. All the while, their optimism is helping them live happier lives.
Despite understanding that, often, less sensitivity can be a good thing, I’ve still found myself getting irked by less-sensitive behaviors. However, I also know that to be more resilient, I need to learn how to better tolerate insensitivity. The first step was appreciating the strengths that being an HSP brings to the table, such as creativity and deeper empathy. This helps me feel less threatened by less-sensitive people, who seem to garner more respect from the outside world.
Putting people in boxes, though, such as sensitive versus insensitive, fuels a binary way of thinking. People show a spectrum of emotion sensitivity that varies depending on the specifics. Even HSPs have insensitive moments, like when I regrettably hurled insults at others whom I thought were being insensitive, and as a result, was hurtful towards them.
To better tolerate insensitivity, it can help to understand where it is coming from. Emotion sensitivity is tied to how one’s nervous system reacts to the situation at hand, which depends on both the nature of the circumstances and your personality (Lynch, 2018). It can also be influenced by a one-time occurrence or a random event, like an argument with one’s spouse first thing in the morning or being stuck in traffic for 45 minutes.
When you are excited about something, such as the smell of freshly baked cookies, your nervous system motivates you to seek out what you desire, and your empathy skills may be temporarily reduced. This, in turn, makes you vulnerable to being perceived as insensitive by others. For instance, you might get so psyched about those cookies that you forget your friend is allergic to chocolate!
Tolerating insensitivity also entails not fearing it in yourself. It can also be helpful to remind yourself that being insensitive can actually enhance authenticity. Recently, when a speaker I invited to my class offered free pens and stress balls, I declined and said, “I don’t need more junk in my house.” I then apologized for implying that her merch was garbage, but I had responded genuinely, and she seemed to appreciate that. Still, that was kind of insensitive of me. My students might have appreciated those presents.
Here are more insights to help you tolerate insensitivity in others or in yourself:
- Recognize when you’re giving the other person too much credit. Catch yourself when you are building stories in your mind about another’s insensitive behavior that simply might not be accurate. The other person might not be thinking about your feelings as much as you’d like, but that doesn’t mean they are out to hurt your feelings either.
- Match others’ emotions while also validating your own. When someone’s excitement is coming off as insensitive, it can be helpful to try matching your emotion to theirs even if you get there a different way. For example, you can think about your favorite comedy or observe nature, which can stimulate awe and wonder. It’s important to validate your own emotions as well. For instance, you can validate feeling annoyed and then shift to thinking of pleasant or humorous things.
- Prioritize your needs. The irony of being an HSP is that trying to be sensitive to everyone else’s emotions can lead you astray from expressing prosocial values like kindness and patience. That is because when you ignore your own needs, you are bound to act cranky. Taking care of your needs ultimately benefits everyone.
Compassion and understanding are much needed to navigate a world that can feel impersonal. By learning to tolerate less-sensitive behaviors in ourselves and others, we can do our part in creating a more welcoming society.
