It’s a familiar dilemma; we sense something important in someone’s behavior or performance, something we feel they really need to hear. But should we say it? When? And how? In our professional and personal lives, as coaches, leaders, friends, or partners, feedback can either build a bridge or burn one.
I remember working with a tech CEO, I’ll call him Oliver. Not long into our engagement, it became clear that his leadership style was causing real issues on his executive team. Mistrust, lack of accountability, people holding back. Multiple folks shared this with me independently. It wasn’t subtle. But I still paused. Was it time to share what I was hearing? Would it help or hurt? Would he be open? Would it rupture the trust we were just starting to build?
What the Research Tells Us
The Harvard Negotiation Project has done great work on this. Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone talk about the importance of safety and context in how feedback is received. They identify three common “triggers” that cause people to reject feedback:
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Truth (we disagree with it)
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Relationship (we don’t trust the source)
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Identity (it threatens how we see ourselves)
If any of these are activated, even good feedback can backfire.
A meta-analysis by Kluger and DeNisi also found that over a third of feedback interventions actually reduced performance. That’s a sobering stat, and a reminder that good intentions aren’t enough. How we give feedback matters enormously.
A Human Way to Offer Feedback
Let’s be honest, nobody loves getting feedback and few of us love giving it. But it doesn’t have to be so loaded. Here’s a way I often think about it:
Start with something like: “There’s something I’ve been noticing, or maybe struggling with, that I’d really value talking with you about. I think it could be useful for both of us.” That signals care, and that you’re not here to judge, but to connect.
Then, describe what you’ve seen or heard, concretely, specifically. No labels. No sweeping generalizations. Just, “Here’s what I noticed,” or “Here’s something that came up for me.” That way, you’re inviting the other person into a conversation, not dropping a verdict.
Pause. Give them space. Ask what they think. Be curious. Stay connected.
And then, if they’re open, talk about what might come next — what they want to do with the information. Maybe nothing, maybe something small. Let it be theirs to work with.
Before You Speak, Check Yourself
Sometimes, the thing we want to say is actually more about us than them. That’s not a bad thing, it just means we need to get clear. Am I trying to be helpful, or am I just irritated? Do I need to feel in control? Am I avoiding something in myself by pointing to them?
Before giving feedback, I often ask myself:
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What am I really feeling?
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What’s the story I’m telling myself?
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Is this something I’ve worked through in myself, or am I handing it to them to carry?
If the answer is fuzzy, I pause. Sometimes a walk, a journal entry, or a conversation with a coach helps me sort through what’s mine to hold.
Back to Oliver
Eventually, I did share the feedback with Oliver, but only after months of building trust. I led with context, care, and clarity. I told him what I’d been hearing and what I was observing. And then I paused. He was quiet for some time. Then, he asked some important questions about my offering and opened up to the possibility of this being an important piece of the puzzle of the organization’s performance. From that point forward, we were able to deepen his/our understanding of this tendency he had and the impact it was having on the culture and leadership of others.
The changes he made were real; and the organization felt them. But I don’t think it would have gone that way if I’d pushed too soon. The relationship was the container. Without it, the feedback would have leaked out all over the place. I was able over time to get myself into a position of a trusted advisor with him, and the investment paid off.
So… Should You Give That Feedback?
Maybe. Maybe not yet. But if you do, do it with clarity, care, and curiosity. And start by asking yourself what it’s really about, for them, and for you. Because feedback can be a gift, but only if it’s offered with enough love and the right timing to be received.
Want to Go Deeper?
If you’re navigating tough feedback moments, in your leadership, coaching, or personal relationships, consider reflecting on the questions in this article with a trusted friend or coach. You might also start a feedback journal: What are you noticing? What are you holding back? What’s yours, and what’s theirs?
