As a new dog owner I’ve noticed two common dynamics when dogs meet each other on a walk. Some dogs will become either very excited or upset about the other dog and pull their owner towards the other dog or start barking and yapping. In the other response, a dog may take notice of the other dog, and then return to sniffing or observing phenomena on its own path.
Where the first dog is animated and reactive, the second dog is indifferent and non-plussed. It acknowledges the other dog but is not distracted or, more importantly, is not emotionally animated by the other dog.
To a dog owner, the preferred response is no doubt the latter. An indifferent dog does not yank or pull on the owner. The owner does not have restrain the dog from jumping or attacking. And finally, the dog owner does not have to remain vigilant when out on a walk, preparing for reactive responses at any moment. An indifferent dog, in other words, is a more relaxed and pleasurable dog to be with, and one which is in much less danger or risk or altercation and violence.
What we can learn from canine indifference
These two types of dog reactions are very instructive for us as humans, particularly in our emotional relationship to others. Like dogs, we can be reactive, defensive and protective, activating our “fight” response when faced with an irritating colleague, a frustrating spouse, or a persistent family member.
Think too about our relationship with social media and the internet, engaging with content that is algorithmically-incentivised to push our buttons. In many cases, a simple discussion about scheduling or a random ‘doom scroll’ can elevate our blood pressure and send us into a cycle of reactivity.
While some of us may enjoy these cycles of conflict and even feel more comfortable with conflict, anger or rage, many of us privately long for a more regulated existence in the world. The high prevalence of mindfulness and medication speaks to this desire for a less reactive and more homeostatic mode of relating – where triggers and ‘rage bait’ are observed and allowed to ‘float by’ rather than rattle us and unmoor our day.
Learning not to ‘take the bait’
Dogs here can offer a model of relating that I describe as generative indifference. When a dog is able to resist the pull of reactivity a lot of possibilities emerge for them. My own dog will turn away and notice other smells, or objects in his path, or even check in with me as a way to assess my levels of reactivity when met with an angry dog. In other words, if the dog can develop and hone an indifferent response, he is able to generate new, interesting and even helpful responses. His energies are not consumed and fully directed into a dyadic relationship with an opponent but are more peripheral and must-focused.
Now think of this in human terms. A partner in a relationship who is not pulled into a reactive cycle with their spouse can look at things more broadly, holistically and ultimately with more empathy. They may see the ‘trigger’ or psychological bait in front of them (‘She called me a lazy parent’) but they do not react to it directly – they let it pass by. This indifference creates space for other reactions, other thoughts to occur than the immediate one of fight or flight.
In couple therapy we often try to focus on the recurrent cycle in a couple’s life – where do they get stuck repeatedly and where does all there energy go? Once they begin to recognize these patterns they are usually less prone to reacting to each and every trigger. This happens because we can begin to predict what will happen and how this result will be unsatisfying.
Indifference to reactivity in this way can be generative. Our focus and energy begins to broaden. We may begin to see multiple responses to a given stimulus rather than one response that feels like an inevitable pull. In other words, by cultivating this indifference, we can slow down our response time and see multiple response options, new possibilities, other horizons and ways of interacting; we can generate new modes rather than one habitual and historical mode – like the dog who always barks at others.
How to hone indifference
Getting out of habitual reactive cycles is difficult, especially if these were modelled to us as kids. Many of us remain entangled in antagonisms with patterns or family member our whole lives. Emotional entanglements are not essential to interpersonal life and we can un-learn to be reactive.
This often involves identifying the recurrent triggers that loop us into reactivity. What is the word or tone that gets us agitated? What is the history of this agitation and where was this modelled? The more we understand about our reactive history, the more hope we have of developing a more indifferent response, and like our best dogs, find new ways to spend our energy.
