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You’re struggling to make a decision: continue dating your current exclusive, take the job out of state that a headhunter found, whether it’s time to finally consider moving your aging mother to an assisted care facility.
Life is about making decisions, some more minor—what to wear to work or have for dinner—and some significant—next steps in a relationship, next jobs, how to care for someone you love—but if you’re struggling, here’s probably why:
You have mixed feelings: The person you’re dating has a lot of things to love, but there are those other less attractive qualities. The job seems like a perfect match, but it means moving far away from family and friends. Your mom still has good days and bad days, and the idea of her moving seems overwhelming for you and, possibly, for her, unacceptable.
You’re sorting out shoulds from wants: The person you’re dating is clearly into you, and suddenly ending the relationship seems wrong. The job is logically a tremendous step up in your career, but you’re not sure it’s what you really want. You wouldn’t want your children to move you to assisted living, so why would you move your mother?
This is about sorting out what you “should” do vs. what you “want.” Shoulds are often societal or family rules you inherited and that create guilt when you don’t follow them. Values are what you decide as an adult is your own code of conduct for running your life. The challenge in difficult times is sorting out which is which.
You’re afraid of making a mistake: You break up and regret it; you take the job and regret it; you help put your mother in assisted care and regret it.
Mistakes are only mistakes based on what happens in the future, a future you can’t control. The best you can do is always the best you can do at the time. Obsessing ahead of time about the right decision is a rabbit hole that leaves you stuck.
So, what’s the way out of all this mental morass? Here are six suggestions:
1. Set a priority.
What are you looking for in a partner, a job, or care for your mother? You want someone who has a positive outlook on life; you don’t want to lose contact with your family; you want to make sure your mother doesn’t have to continue to struggle with everyday tasks on her own. Once you figure out what’s at the top of your list, the other issues will fall into place.
2. See if deal-breaker problems can be fixed.
Even though you’re clear about what’s important, there are obstacles to overcome: Though you appreciate your partner’s positive attitude, you worry you don’t have enough in common, that you’ll lose that connection if you move away, that your mom will have a difficult transition and struggle even more.
Time to fix the obstacles—you talk about your concerns about common interests or steps to expand how you spend time together; you realize that you can plan visits home and do Zoom chats with your family and friends to stay in touch; you contact the facility to find out if some new visitor experiences can help your mom ease into the community.
3. Get advice.
You don’t have to do this alone. When you need to make a big decision, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed or have tunnel vision—neither is good. What is good is getting an outside perspective from friends, family, or professionals to get a reality check. What they suggest may not be the best advice, but their ideas can help you get out of your head.
4. Brainstorm and incubate.
If you’re feeling so overwhelmed that you’re unable to think through priorities or obstacles, it’s time to brainstorm. Here, you make a pro and con list or put your feet up on your desk and imagine taking those different roads, the ideal—you stir that mental pot. Then, once you’ve wound down, let go, take a break, sleep on it, or give yourself a couple of days of not dealing with it.
Now, your unconscious, the creative part of your brain, will take over and do its work. See what emerges.
5. Bite the bullet and decide, but have a Plan B.
You do the breakup and have some regrets but realize you’ve learned a lot about what to look for next time. You take the job, committing to a year, but find out that the regular Zoom meetings and trips home aren’t enough and start looking for something back home. The facility you were thinking about for your mom is too expensive, so it’s time to look at your second choice or in-home care—time to regroup. Go back to priorities; don’t get stuck confusing means and ends.
6. See where you get stuck; learn the lesson.
This may be the most important tip of all. If you struggle with making decisions, realize that you make them too impulsively, or feel you tend to make ones you regret, think about what gets in your way. Living can be divided into content and process—the actual situation is the content, and how you respond, the process. The content of your current problem and decision will be a moving target throughout your life—now a partner or job, later a child or parent. But the process, the pattern, tends to stay the same.
If you struggle to make decisions, maybe it’s time to discover what keeps you from being more decisive. What do these situations teach about how you go about making decisions? What lessons do they hold about running your life better so you’re not overwhelmed, anxious, or regretful? Maybe it’s time to sort it out: Find self-help books or talk with a therapist for even a few sessions.
Life is about making decisions, but the challenge is making the ones that fit you the best.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
