The dinner reservation was nearing. You were dressed to the nines. You got the right clothes, the perfect card, made sure your hair looked great. You went into the night hopeful it would be full of romance, that your partner would profess their undying love for you, the two of you would go home together, have an amazing night of intimacy, and go to bed feeling more whole, connected, and oh so satisfied and happy.
Except that didn’t happen. You fought with your partner. The dinner was noisy. Their card was subpar—or nonexistent. What they said and did upset you. You can’t understand why they acted the way they did. Plans may have been canceled. The night ended in a row. You’re ruminating over what went wrong, and why you feel even more disconnected from your partner than before. You’re so disappointed.
If Valentine’s Day ended up being a wash, please know you’re not alone. There’s a reason high-stakes holidays like this one can be the perfect storm for a feud with our partners. Here’s a look at why this happens—and what we can do to insulate ourselves from this likelihood next time around.
Too-High Expectations
Expecting any date night to knock our socks off is a recipe for disappointment. There’s a lot of pressure on big days like Valentine’s Day for us to perform or for our partners to blow us away. Because we’re human, we err, as do our partners, and any imperfection during such a high-stakes event can make us feel like we’re being let down or even betrayed. We don’t need to dash all hope for a lovely day or evening next year, but setting more reasonable expectations by keeping plans feasible, fun, even flexible—and allowing room for imperfection—can protect us from feeling short-shrifted.
Comparison
Did you see other couples’ Instagram photos from their awesome dates? Did that make you question whether your partner invests as much time as they should in the relationship, or whether you guys really are compatible? Did someone else’s plans make yours seem laughable by comparison? These are the painful and ridiculous spirals comparison ensnares us in. Let your own night be just that: Your own. Don’t measure it against what someone else said they did or posted about on social media. Acknowledge what might not have been perfect, yes, but pay attention to and savor what was good about yours. Training our attention to the positive isn’t a rug-sweeping strategy; it’s a way to help us balance out the not-so-good stuff and unhook our attention from focusing solely on what’s wrong or how we measure up to everyone else.
Unaddressed Issues
It’s also possible that leading up to Valentine’s day, you or your partner were harboring some built-up resentment or hadn’t resolved one or more issues that cropped up interpersonally over the course of your relationship. A pressure-filled day centered on (commercialized versions of) romance can cause these unaddressed issues to boil to the surface. One little thing goes wrong on national date night and you’re reminded of all the other ways your partner has made you feel unloved, frustrated, unheard, and invalidated. The fight that ensues can escalate since you aren’t just fighting about the night at hand. It’s about the past. Prevent this next year by making sure you and your partner make time on a weekly or monthly basis to discuss relational challenges, unhealed wounds, and to resolve and repair prior disagreements. If the resentments are really intense or numerous, consider enlisting a couples therapist for help.
Believing Your Partner Can Mind-Read
Maybe you were hoping your partner would surprise you with a specific gift. Pick you up from work. Or do something else meaningful to you that didn’t pan out. Our partners can’t anticipate all of our needs and desires so it’s important to communicate in advance what really matters to us on special days. Maybe it’s not a fancy dinner out. Maybe taking a half-day from work and visiting a museum or going for a walk would be more fun. Or cooking together. Taking a road trip.
You’re Just Over Each Other …
Fights, especially on big nights like Valentine’s Day, can sometimes be a means to an end. The end being: the relationship. Maybe you or your partner felt even more strongly on Valentine’s Day that things just weren’t working and one or both of you were fed up pretending anymore. Maybe your partner knew how important Valentine’s Day was to you but stubbornly refused to do anything special, even wish you a happy V-Day, and that was the last straw for you. The fight may have been a means to push the other person away—permanently.
… Or You Actually Want to Get Closer
Counterintuitively, we can also initiate fights when we want to feel closer with our partner. This can often be a go-to behavior for those of us who were raised in chaotic or tumultuous homes where yelling and arguing parents were the norm. We’re often not consciously aware that’s our goal when fighting with a partner, but our brains have been wired to associate going at it with love and closeness. If you or your partner tend to do this often, it’s definitely worth finding a therapist who can help you gain insight into your behavioral motivations and practice new ways of engaging with your partner to elicit feelings of closeness that don’t end up in an all out war.
Relationships Essential Reads
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Disagreements with our partners aren’t the end of the world. In fact, they can, if navigated correctly, be a surprising means of recognizing what matters to ourselves and our partners, negotiating our needs, and more constructively and productively moving forward in our relationship. They’re more likely to happen around higher pressure days, such as Valentine’s Day. So if you got into it with your partner this past Feb. 14, don’t panic. Consider why you fought, what you need to heal, what you could have done differently, and what your partner needs to heal. (If you don’t know, ask them.) If, however, the fight was it for you, then so be it. Whatever happened for you this past Valentine’s Day, see it as critical feedback about what to do differently (or not) next time around.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
