I want to repeat part of the title because it’s a truth that bears repeating over and over again—you cannot change others. Most of us know this conceptually, but we forget in the heat of conflict or when someone we care deeply about is hurting themselves or us. Logic is replaced by a deep urge to push, plead, or prod them to change. Whether it’s a long-standing grievance with your partner, frustration with a family member who won’t make healthier choices, or hurt over a friend’s actions, the pull to try to “fix” or “transform” others can feel overwhelming.
But here’s the hard part to accept—our efforts to force change on others not only fail, but they often generate resistance and leave us more stressed and stuck than before.
Why We Keep Trying
It’s human nature to feel distressed when someone else’s behavior directly impacts our lives. Maybe your spouse doesn’t help with chores, and you feel unsupported. Maybe a loved one’s destructive habits are painful to witness. It’s easy to think, “If they would only change, things would be better.” And so begins the cycle of trying to push change.
But stop and ask yourself this hard question—has it worked? Has trying to control their behavior inspired genuine transformation? Or has it led to frustration, defensiveness, and hurt feelings? More often than not, attempts to force change lead to pushback. The other person might even double down on their choices—or blame you for the conflict.
The discomfort we feel in these moments is often driven by anxiety, not only about the issue at hand but also about our inability to control it. The good news is that this is where your work begins—not with them, but with you.
What You Can Do Instead
Instead of fixating on the other person, start by acknowledging how their behavior hurts or bothers you. Be honest with yourself about the pattern you see in the relationship. Are they truly willing to change, or have they shown you this is how they are?
Once we accept that we cannot force anyone to change, we can take a step back and get more objective about the situation. This process may provoke anxiety, but it also gives us clarity about what we can and cannot control.
What Can You Control? Your Own Response.
Your response isn’t just about the words you use to set boundaries—it’s also about what you communicate through your actions. One of the most powerful ways to shift dynamics is to model what is acceptable to you and what isn’t.
Consider a recurring issue between a husband and wife. The wife constantly asks her husband to help with household chores, but he never follows through. She’s frustrated, hurt, and exhausted by the endless reminders that go ignored.
The current approach—repeating requests, expressing frustration, and ultimately doing the tasks herself anyway—is not creating change. It’s reinforcing a pattern of nagging and passive resistance.
What if she took a different approach? Instead of pushing him to change, she could take a step back and acknowledge that this is the reality. She might ask herself, “What are my options here?” She could decide to stick to her part of the agreement—taking care of the tasks she agreed to—but not doing what was supposed to be his responsibility.
For example, if he agrees to take out the trash but doesn’t, she might leave it for him instead of stepping in to “make up” for his lapse. While this might feel uncomfortable at first, it sends a clear message through action: “This is what I can do, and I won’t take on what I’ve asked you to handle.”
This doesn’t mean she should avoid conversation or not hold him accountable. She can verbally set a boundary by calmly stating, “I need to feel supported in running the household, and I can’t take on everything myself. I’ll stick to what I’ve committed to, but I won’t take on additional tasks that were agreed to be yours.”
By shifting the focus to her own behavior, she avoids the exhaustion of trying to change him and shows, rather than tells, what is OK with her.
When we stop focusing on someone else’s potential and begin seeing them clearly for who they are, we free ourselves from unrealistic expectations. Many of us project onto others the traits we wish they had—believing they will eventually become more considerate, responsible, or emotionally available. While it’s OK to hope for the best in others, it’s critical to accept that what we hope for and what is are often two different things. Being more objective about the people in our lives gives us more flexibility in choosing the most valuable responses to the situation.
Verbal and behavioral boundaries are tools to help you manage your life—not instruments to demand change from someone else. When you demonstrate what is acceptable through your actions, you might finally release yourself from the endless cycle of pushing and pleading.
This process is anxiety-provoking because it asks us to step into the unknown. It’s hard to relinquish the belief that you could change someone with just the right words or actions. But real freedom lies in accepting that you can’t.
The Path Forward
If you’re feeling stuck in a relationship dynamic, try stepping away from your efforts to control or change the other person. Ask yourself what you can realistically do to manage your own well-being. This may include setting firm boundaries, focusing on your own behavior, and letting go of patterns that are fueled by anxiety or frustration. It also might lead you to leave the relationship due to being more clear about your deal breakers or no longer finding it acceptable to be treated in a disrespectful way.
Ultimately, you’re responsible for teaching others through your words and actions what is OK with you—and what isn’t. It’s not an easy process, but one rooted in self-respect and emotional clarity. You may not be able to force change in others, but you can create a relationship with yourself that is grounded in calm, clear, and confident action.
And, often, that’s where the real transformation begins.
