For millions of couples, Valentine’s Day means cards, chocolates, and fancy dinners. And while gifts and a date can be fun, the holiday can be a great opportunity to strengthen your relationship with quality conversation.
If you don’t get intentional about the conversation you’re having, it’s easy for your Valentine’s Day date to slip into the usual small talk—complaining about your job, discussing the kids, or talking about friends. Those topics won’t do much for your connection as a couple.
As I share in my book, 13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don’t Do, asking good questions can turn any conversation into an opportunity for genuine connection. In fact, asking quality questions can spark conversations that strengthen your relationship.
So, this Valentine’s Day, consider asking questions that cultivate closeness. Here are 10 questions you can use to spark the conversations that will help you become a stronger couple:
1. “What’s one thing I do that helps you feel loved the most?”
Sometimes, we think the big things are the most important, and we might underestimate the power of little things—like a hug after a long day or an encouraging text during the middle of the day. This question helps you learn more about what’s important to your partner, so you don’t have to guess what they appreciate the most.
2. “What’s your favorite memory of us?”
Every couple has inside jokes, funny stories, and cherished memories that set their relationship apart from all others. Asking this question is a chance to relive the moments that have brought you joy together while also solidifying your bond. Just talking about your positive experiences can increase those feel-good feelings between the two of you.
3. “What’s something you’ve always wanted to do together that we haven’t done yet?”
While a stroll down memory lane can remind you of the warm and fuzzy feelings from the past, it’s equally important to drum up some excitement for the future. Dreaming together about shared experiences you look forward to can help you keep the big picture of life in mind. That’s important—because the stress of day-to-day life can wear you down and prevent you from dreaming big together.
4. “What’s one way I can better support you in your goals?”
Asking this question assures your partner that you want to be a good teammate. Whether they’re working on running a 10K or they want to read more books this year, asking this question shows you are there for them. And this is essential—you’re demonstrating that you are invested in supporting whatever they want to do to improve their life.
5. “What’s a challenge we’ve overcome together that made us stronger?”
All couples face hardships. Maybe you’ve encountered financial stress, family drama, or a loss, but looking at how you worked together will remind you that you weren’t alone. This is important because there are going to be more tough times ahead, and you want to assure one another that you don’t have to face challenges alone.
6. “What’s one thing you admire most about me?”
This question will cause your partner to reflect on why they love you. So not only does it give them a boost to say it, but you’ll get a rush of feel-good feelings when you hear it. Just listen and show appreciation for whatever it is you hear—and return the favor by sharing what you admire most as well.
7. “What’s a small habit we could start to feel more connected?”
No matter how good your relationship is, it’s essential to identify what else you could do to make it a little better. Sometimes, a small ritual can be a powerful way to increase your connection. Maybe you set aside time for brunch together every Saturday, or you decide to have some screen-free time every evening before bed. The habit itself matters less than your willingness to make connection a priority.
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8. “What’s something our relationship has taught you about love?”
Learning from each other is a key way to keep the spark alive. When you invite your partner to reflect on what this relationship has taught them—grace, forgiveness, patience, or true love—you reinforce that your relationship is helping you learn to be a better person. Our romantic relationships are the place we get to practice our skills, be ourselves, and strive to improve all at the same time.
9. “What’s a dream or goal you have that I might not know about?”
Early on in a relationship, we often discuss our goals for life. But, as life gets busy and we settle into the relationship, the conversation tends to steer toward more day-to-day conversation. Asking this question encourages your partner to keep dreaming—and to keep sharing. Giving your partner space to open up shows you’re invested in wanting to know what they’re still thinking about.
10. “What’s one thing you’d like to celebrate about us?”
This question will cause you both to reflect on what you’re grateful for about your relationship. Whether you appreciate that you still laugh together after all these years or you want to celebrate that you have done some incredible things as a team, express your gratitude for one another and take time to celebrate your connection.
How to Ask These Questions
Meaningful conversations require the right space. Shouting your questions from the kitchen to the living room while you’re making dinner or trying to be heard over a loud band won’t give you the ambiance you need to really connect. So it all starts with picking a quiet moment together.
And if Valentine’s Day doesn’t give you the right opportunity to do that, you can always ask these questions on another day. In fact, you might make it a habit to start asking them regularly. Here are a few tips for getting the most out of your quality conversation:
- Be present. Put your phone out of sight so it doesn’t distract you, and turn off the notifications. Make eye contact and listen to hear what your partner says without planning what you’re going to say next.
- Don’t ask all the questions at once. You don’t want it to feel like a job interview, so you don’t need to get through all the questions like a checklist. Focus on the quality of your conversation and not the quantity of questions you ask. Hopefully, the questions you do ask lead to meaningful discussion.
- Share your answers, too. You might find it helpful to go first. Share your answer, and then ask your partner the question. This can help build trust and spark more interesting discussions.
- Listen without reacting. If you hear something that you find a little difficult, take a deep breath. Remind yourself that you don’t need to argue or defend yourself. The goal is to connect, not engage in conflict.
- Turn it into a game. You can always write the questions down, put them in a container, and take turns drawing them out so you can answer one at a time. You can still have fun while you’re having a meaningful conversation.
Pay attention to the questions you enjoy asking and answering. Asking them more often—and not just reserving them for Valentine’s Day—can give you new opportunities to improve your communication and grow together.
