I’ve been on a wisdom bandwagon lately because I think we could all use more of it, as the world shifts under our feet. It’s one of the top skills I work to help my clients cultivate. But what does it mean to have wisdom, and how do we grow it? Is it something we already have? Something that’s all around us? Let’s explore the concept a little further.
This is the way I would begin to dig into wisdom with a client: Think about a time when you were facing a challenge or needed to make an important decision and were able to tap into a greater wisdom. How did you come to a wise perspective? Maybe you took a long walk on the beach. Perhaps you checked in with the feeling in your gut. Maybe you hashed it out with your best friend, sought advice from a sage mentor, or wrote about it in your journal. Or maybe you took it to the mountains, talked to someone who had passed, or prayed to a higher power. Your wisdom is deep within you, but it also extends beyond you.
If you came to a wise answer, it’s likely you drew in some way upon what The Berlin Wisdom Paradigm describes as the four criteria for wisdom. Consider how you might draw upon each with a problem or struggle you are facing now:
-
Factual knowledge. Draw upon what you have learned from books, mentors, podcasts, media, education, and life-long learning. Ask yourself, What do I already know that can help me here?
-
Procedural knowledge. Apply what you know implicitly, like your problem-solving strategies, embodied wisdom, and social emotional skills. Ask yourself, What genius qualities can I bring to this situation, starting with my strengths, emotional intelligence, and what comes easily to me?
-
Life span contextualism. Consider at the bigger picture and ask, How will this impact me 10, 20, 30 years down the road? How will these decisions affect others long term?
-
Value relativism. Recognize that your perspective is just one of many. Ask yourself, What can I learn from other points of view? Are there perspectives I have not considered or given a chance to understand?
-
An awareness of uncertainty. Understand that life is unpredictable and that no one has all the answers. Sit in the question a little longer. Remind yourself that everything changes and that there are many paths you can take.
To grow wiser, you need to be intentional about it. Folks that practice openness to experience, emotional regulation, and reflective thinking score higher on wisdom. And while you may think that older equals wiser, that’s not necessarily the case. My 12-year-old son often asks better questions than I do—and we can all name some psychologically rigid and unwise people much older than us. Being smart also isn’t the same as being wise. You likely also know some pretty cleaver people, but they aren’t always the ones you would trust with your biggest life decisions. To be wise you need both wit and virtue. As Jack Kornfied wrote in The Wise Heart, “Wisdom says we are nothing. Love says we are everything. Between these two our life flows.”
Our wisdom also extends beyond our brain. In Indigenous Sustainable Wisdom, Darcia Narvaez and colleagues wrote that wisdom is learned “through exploration rather than being told.” A textbook can’t tell you when it’s time to put your dog to sleep or what to say to your friend when she tells you she is getting a divorce. Wisdom is in our physical spaces, in our connection to nature, in our movement, in the sensations in our bodies, in our interactions with each other, and in our communities. For example, stepping out under the night sky when you can’t sleep—one of my favorite things to do—can put your problems into perspective. Feeling your heartbeat pick up when you want to make a bold move can encourage you to go for it. Your wisdom is in so many places: It’s in the Post-it notes you use to organize your thoughts, in the hand gestures you use to show your thinking, and in the act of listening to someone else tell their story. And it’s in the collective energy of a group working together to solve a problem they care deeply about.
I see our wisdom as including the wisdom of our learning history, our emotions, our bodies, our ancestors, the wise world around us, the mystical, and the kind eyes of someone hearing our story. Wisdom is about discernment—“the wisdom to know the difference”—and it’s about knowing that many truths can coexist at once.
We move in and out of wisdom every day. You feel wise when your friend calls in a crisis but you may forget that you are wise when you face your own. Or you feel wise pontificating on a long drive, only to forget what you know when you walk in the door back at home.
When do you feel the most wise? What has helped you develop your wisdom: Diverse life experiences? Hardship? Learning? An open mind? A loving person? These are important questions to ask. When you use the answers to guide you, you are engaging in wise effort.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
