Meditation: Picture yourself in the Ocean as a little Sea Anemone. You need to stay flexible in order to survive. You need to open up in order to get your needs met (eat plankton, take in information from your environment, connect with other sea anemones, experience the joy of the ocean currents ruffling your little anemone tentacles). Then you need to close to protect yourself from creatures that might harm you (as well as keep in your dinner). Like sea anemones, we need to flexibly open up to others and protect ourselves. Finding sustainability in relationships means being able to flexibly open and close depending on the context.
Flexible Boundaries
Think of the last time you struggled to flexibly set boundaries in a relationship. Perhaps you found yourself oscillating between staying open in ways that led to repeated harm, then closing up to protect yourself, only to find that you are not getting what you need. You might have struggled with judging yourself or the other person in ways that interfered with flexible boundary setting. Let’s explore together how to practice a new way!
Maintaining flexible, sustainable, compassionate boundaries requires ongoing awareness of your own feelings and needs, as well as what is available in the environment. As Nedra Glover Tawwab states, “boundaries are not walls. A wall keeps people out, while boundaries show people how to exist in a relationship with you” (Tawwab, 2021).
Boundaries Are Emotional Skin
Think about this: Our skin, the largest organ of the body, maintains our boundary between the inner and outer world. It needs to be flexible with what is incoming and outgoing. If our skin doesn’t let nutrients and sunlight in, our skin could become dry, and our body malnourished. If our skin doesn’t let toxins out, then we might get zits, boils, or a horrible infection! This is the same with our emotional boundaries—we need to be able to let in what is nourishing and let go of what is toxic to us. As Dr. Brene Brown wrote, “Boundaries are a prerequisite for compassion and empathy. We can’t connect with someone unless we are clear about where we end and they begin. If there is no autonomy between people, then there’s no compassion or empathy—just enmeshment” (Brown, 2021).
Boundaries Versus Control
What’s the difference between boundaries and control? Boundaries are limits we set to protect our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Our boundaries allow us to let in resources that help us feel safe, joyful, nourished, and connected while protecting ourselves from taking on something that might needlessly burden, drain, or harm us. Control, on the other hand, is an attempt to dictate another person’s behavior or feelings. For example, setting a boundary might sound like, “I need some quiet time to recharge after work, so I won’t be available for phone calls between 6-7 pm.” Control might sound like, “You’re not allowed to call me after work because I need alone time.” The first statement clearly communicates a personal need, while the second attempts to dictate the other person’s actions. When we threaten someone’s autonomy with control, it usually doesn’t go well. They go into defense mode instead of attuning to our needs, and we waste energy trying to make someone else do something!
Boundaries With Contempt or Criticism
Sometimes, we set boundaries with contempt or criticism. While this approach might communicate your needs and limits, it can also harm relationships, leading to resentment and disconnection. People are more likely to react with defensiveness and not respect your boundaries if you try to set them with contempt or criticism. Imagine a friend who consistently cancels plans at the last minute. A boundary set with judgment might sound like, “You’re always flaking on me. It’s so rude and inconsiderate.” While the frustration is understandable, this approach is more likely to put the other person on the defensive. It fails to communicate the underlying need for reliability and respect in the friendship.
Boundaries With Compassion
A path to deeper connection and compassionate boundary-setting involves communicating our needs and limits with kindness and empathy. It recognizes that everyone has their own struggles and challenges, and it seeks to find a balance that works for both parties. Let’s revisit the example of the friend who cancels plans. A compassionate boundary might sound like, “I value our friendship and the time we spend together. When plans are canceled at the last minute, I feel disappointed and hurt. Can we work together to find a way to honor our commitments to each other?” This approach expresses the personal impact of the behavior while also inviting collaboration and understanding.
Boundaries Mean Saying “Yes” to What Matters Most to You
Sometimes, people struggle to communicate boundaries because they perceive it as hurtful or mean to the other person. We may, after all, be telling someone we are not going to meet their needs or requests. Yet, we are limited creatures with limited time and energy on the planet! We only have so many yeses! You are responsible for your one precious life, and you get to say “no” to the cravings, demands, and commitments that meaninglessly drain you and say “yes” to what is meaningful and life-giving.
Compassionate boundary-setting is a skill that requires practice, patience, and presence. Also, it will often evoke others’ anger at you, so it takes conviction! That conviction comes from a belief that you, as a creature on the planet, get to care for yourself while attending to others. It also comes from having a grounded process: checking in with our own needs and feelings, communicating them clearly and kindly, and being open to dialogue and compromise. Sometimes, we do not know what we want to say “yes” to—in that case, we need space to hear our own voice, as Mary Oliver instructs us in “The Journey.” By approaching boundaries with compassion, we create space for deeper understanding, growth, and connection in our relationships.
