For millennia, bards, poets, and troubadours have captivated audiences with stories of the risks, pitfalls, and challenges of finding and keeping the perfect romantic partner with whom to live happily ever after. The tradition lives on in our seemingly endless appetite for stories that portray the agony and ecstasy of romantic love.
Alive and well
Recent statistics indicate that the real-life pursuit for love remains alive and well. Though marriage seems to be on the decline — a record high percentage of 40-year-old Americans have never married — long-term committed relationships are on the rise.
While looking for love has never been easy or simple, human beings seeking connection in our digital age are navigating an increasingly complex and perplexing dating scene. As of 2024, over 60.5 million Americans turned to dating apps in brave pursuit of everything from casual encounters and situationships to a serious long-term partner.
In a 2023 study of the perceived benefits of being in a relationship, participants identified “experiencing positive emotions, including love and passion, as well as having someone to provide support and do things together” as the key benefits of a committed long-term relationship. For many individuals, pervasive, overwhelming fear of committing to a long-term partner triggers intense and irrational anxiety, and prevents them from enjoying the many benefits of a long-term romantic relationship.
What gamophobia is
Gamophobia, though not listed as a diagnosis in the DSM-5, is a widely recognized term used to define an intense, overwhelming, and irrational fear of commitment, and an inability to form and maintain a lasting intimate-partner relationship. Those suffering from gamophobia experience intense feelings of anxiety when they are in a relationship, and often forecast worst-case scenario outcomes. They repeat patterns of withdrawing from their partners without any apparent reason, and abruptly end their relationships.
A foundation of fear
The term Gamophobia is of Greek origin, with gamos meaning marriage in Greek, and it is deeply rooted in fears stemming from early childhood, including modelled behavior of parents and/or caregivers. Children who grow up in unhappy, high-conflict, or violent households, or who witness the distressing and painful demise of their parents’ marriage, and individuals who have experienced relationship traumas, infidelities, or intimate-partner violence are at risk of developing deep fears around entering into a committed relationship.
People who suffer from gamophobia harbour deep fears of being trapped in an unhappy relationship. They fear abandonment and other potential negative outcomes of a committed relationship. At times when they feel trapped, triggered, or threatened, they may experience overwhelming bouts of anxiety, with symptoms similar to panic attacks, including racing heart rate, sweating palms, chest pain, difficulty breathing, and overwhelming thoughts of impending catastrophic outcomes.
A double-edged sword
Repeated cycles of avoidance of commitment serve as a fear-based defense mechanism that seeks to prevent negative outcomes. Here, as ever, fear is a double-edged sword.
On one hand, fear plays a significant role in our survival, alerting us to the presence of a real and perceived threat, which, in turn, triggers the fight/flight response and compels us to act in our defense. On the other hand, fear can lower our self-esteem, courage, and resilience, and can prevent us from taking meaningful risks and achieving our goals.
Beyond fear
Overcoming gamophobia is possible. It begins with building awareness of persistent and troubling negative thoughts and self-limiting beliefs about commitment, relationships, and their outcomes, and recognizing repeating cycles of avoidance.
Facing, processing, and conquering fears of commitment often involves working with a mental health professional who offers evidence-based treatments, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). CBT is a structured, goal-oriented form of psychotherapy where patients work with their therapist to identify, challenge, reframe, and replace negative thoughts and beliefs, shift maladaptive behaviors through exposures, and replace unhealthy habits with healthier, more positive, adaptive ones.
The reality is that we are more than our past hurts, our traumas, and our fears. Through awareness and a commitment to our healing and growth, we can conquer our deepest fears. We can learn new skills and incorporate powerful strategies that help us move beyond our fears, and create the life and the healthy, connected, and lasting relationship we truly want and deserve.
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6 Steps to Conquering Fears of Commitment
Pay attention to your negative thoughts, physical symptoms, and behaviors related to your fear of commitment.
Reflect with self-compassion on how your role models, past hurts, disappointments, and traumas have fueled your fears and negatively influenced the ways you think, act, and react as a partner.
Allow yourself to sit with uncomfortable emotions as you begin to recognize how your fears play out in repeating harmful cycles.
Accept the fact that you have the power to process your fears and create meaningful, positive change.
Make a promise to yourself to seek resources and help to process past hurts, negative thoughts, and self-limiting beliefs.
Seek the help of a mental health professional, who can provide you with powerful insights, skills, and strategies to overcome your fear of commitment.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
