Relationships are a fascinating thing. Intimate relationships can be joyful and rewarding, but we also know they can be difficult to manage and sometimes painful. One of the goals for couples interested in reducing tension and achieving longevity together is to cooperatively begin the process of demythologizing beliefs about how a marriage or relationships should be or should look. In essence, couples must dare to grow together by changing their thinking and ultimately their behaviors.
One relationship myth is that if there is deep and committed love for each other, then all problems will naturally go away and everything will work itself out. Another is that love itself is about being responsible for making each other happy. Neither is true.
The truth is: We don’t have the ability to make someone else happy, but we do have the ability to make someone else miserable.
Remember, all couples obviously want success, and they all desperately want their relationships to work out, but the only thing that will ensure that is if both agree to change their thinking and subsequently their behaviors.
No behavior change –no growth.
No growth means the relationship will falter over time.
Over many years of treating couples, I have used six essential behavioral directives that help committed relationships last. These directives are, of course, only effective when both partners are dedicated to the relationship and are willing to change and grow together. Let’s remember that according to writer Peter Hedges, “Love is not a feeling; It’s an ability.”
Here are the 6 tips:
1. Both partners must commit to the practice of lowering their expectations of each other
Partners must let go of perfectionism and put aside wanting their partner to be faultless in all areas. They must begin the process of accepting their partner for everything they are and everything they aren’t. This does not mean lowering your standards or settling for someone that you are not compatible with. It also does not mean compromising your personal values and beliefs about how you want to be treated or even how you want to be loved. It simply means having realistic expectations of each other that are reasonable and practical.
2. Each partner must begin to let go of the need to be “right”
The old saying still holds true: “Do you want to be right? Or do you want a relationship?” This means that each partner must give up trying to control the other. Each partner must let go of trying to get the other to see things their way and accept that they are both very different people. Both partners must celebrate their uniqueness and not make each other wrong for it.
3. Both partners must commit to the practice of acknowledging their own part or contribution to the problem
Each partner must admit and hold themselves accountable for how they negatively contribute to the discord in the relationship. Otherwise, the relationship becomes one of blaming the other (he said/she said) and expecting the other one to change. Each partner will have to commit to working on changing his/her own behavior, without focusing on the other. This means that each partner is only responsible for cleaning his/her own side of the street.
4. Each partner must commit to the practice of monitoring their own personal “blind spots”
This means that each partner must be willing to learn about the situations (blind spots) where they get so triggered by the other that they become irrational and unable to see reality at that moment. Conversely, when this process occurs, both partners can then compassionately acknowledge each other’s “hot buttons” and know when to pull back and respect the other’s boundary.
5. Each partner must commit to the practice of using assertive communication
Each partner will have to change the way they communicate and learn to give up communicating aggressively, passively, or passive-aggressively. For example, each partner must agree to begin using assertive communication, which involves using non-judgmental, “I” statements as a new way of relating to one another. This helps partners begin to respond to each other instead of reacting to each other. Most couples don’t know how to talk to each other without triggering an argument.
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6. Each partner must commit to cultivating friends, activities and personal interests outside of the relationship
Both partners need to explore personal interests, hobbies, friends, etc., that are separate from the relationship to prevent putting too much pressure on each other for fun and stimulation. Each partner must have, in a sense, a minor life outside of the relationship as well to make being together fun. Being together should not feel like an obligation.
Good luck!
