Tense relationships or estrangements between parents and adult children are becoming increasingly common. There’s hardly a day that goes by that I don’t hear about these in therapy with a parent or an adult child.
Just yesterday, a client, the mother of a middle-aged son and daughter, neither of whom are speaking to her, asked me, “So how do I handle these kids?”
My short answer is: You don’t.
Whether you have a young adult child shutting you out while striving for independence or a middle-aged child growing weary of old relationship patterns, you can’t change another’s behavior. The only power you have is to change your own behavior in ways that can make a difference.
This statement is sometimes misinterpreted as blaming the parent. It isn’t a matter of blame but of taking a clear-eyed look at the possibilities. Studies show that parents often have more incentive to resolve differences and end estrangements than their adult children do. This is called the “generational stake hypothesis”; it suggests that parents, especially as they age, have a greater stake in maintaining close relationships with their grown children than their children, who may have formed their own families, have in keeping close to their parents.
Thus, looking at ways you can change to ease the generational tension can be empowering. Often, the first step is asking: What might be driving you and your adult child apart?
5 Common Reasons for Parent-Child Estrangements
1. Economic entanglements
Has money been a source of parent control and/or adult-child entitlement in your relationship? Do you feel that gifts of money to your child earn you the right to dictate or to criticize a variety of choices they may be making in their lives?
One former neighbor of ours was continuing to pay for her son’s cell phone on their family plan well into his adulthood. She felt that gave her the right to tell her daughter-in-law to return some expensive boots she had bought “because you don’t need them and I’m paying your bills.” She wasn’t paying anything but the cell phone bill—and her son eventually discontinued that as their relationship became increasingly distant.
Parents, too, can come to resent adult children’s sense of entitlement and unrealistic demands for money years after they have ceased to be primarily dependent on their parents. Some parents try to maintain closeness by giving money or gifts, and adult children may see such unasked-for largesse as manipulative. Studies have found that financial contributions can be an expression of power between the generations and actually increase the likelihood of estrangement.
2. Enmeshment in your adult child’s life
Do their friends become your friends? Are you still in touch with their ex-loves?
There is a difference between being kind and polite to your adult children’s friends vs. utilizing them as your own best friends and confidantes, especially if you seek their advice about difficulties between you and your adult child. It’s one thing to maintain a friendly relationship with an ex-spouse who is the co-parent of your grandchildren; it’s another to hang out with an ex-lover of your adult child, confiding details of his or her life that he or she would prefer to keep private.
Taking a step back and choosing to confide your feelings to your own friends, relatives, or therapist is likely to be much more conducive to resolving your issues with your son or daughter.
3. Unsolicited advice
This is a particular stumbling block, especially between mothers and daughters. Advice, especially when it comes to child rearing, can feel like criticism and help build a barrier between parents and adult children.
“My mother thinks she’s being so helpful,” a client I’ll call Jenna told me recently. “She says things like ‘But I’m your mother! Who else is going to tell you the truth?’ Spare me. I can’t stand it. She’s driving me crazy to the point of my not wanting to talk with her much at all.”
4. Refusing to compromise
Family Dynamics Essential Reads
Swatting away olive branches and discounting requests from adult children can lead to a quiet impasse.
A client whose daughter is a busy physician seeing patients at 15-minute intervals—and who suggested that they communicate by text during the workweek—angrily discounts her daughter’s request. “I talked with my mother on the phone every day,” she told me, overlooking the fact that neither she nor her mother worked outside the home. “I don’t want to text. My daughter should make time to talk to me on the phone. I’m not asking every day. Maybe once a week. Texting is stupid.”
Yet by disregarding her daughter’s preferred method of communication during the week, this mother is sending a powerful message that only her preferences count. She is also cutting off what could be more frequent communication and making her daughter less likely to agree to a compromise phone call at regular intervals.
5. Critical observations that feel infantilizing
Do you make observations about your adult child that have echoes in his or her childhood? Do you feel free to make comments like “It looks like you’re gaining weight” or “Your face is breaking out”? Kids don’t like hearing that—and adult children even less so. It may feel perfectly natural as a parent to make such observations, but it can feel invasive and inappropriate to an adult child.
Understanding the Cause of Estrangement Is Just the Start
Having a troubled relationship or an estrangement with an adult child can be complicated by many factors and may not easily be resolved by practical tips. But keeping an open mind toward seeking changes you can make in your own behavior can feel empowering, allowing you to find ways to live with the distance between you—or to take a step toward making a fresh start with the adult child you love and miss so much.
