“We are all going to the beach,” his father said. “You are not going. You are staying home to take care of the house.”
Esteban remembers that moment with striking clarity. The words sounded simple, almost ordinary, yet something shifted inside him. There was no reaction, no protest, no question. He went quiet and completely still, as if everything within him had paused. Years later, he would describe it as a kind of internal freezing, a moment when expression no longer felt possible.
Another day, the family was getting ready to go to the cinema, and his father repeated the same message—he would not be going. There was no explanation and no space for him to respond. Esteban stayed quiet, allowing the moment to pass, as if this had already become the only way he knew how to respond in those situations.
From an adult perspective, these moments may seem small, yet for a child, they carry a different weight that shapes how belonging, value, and emotional expression are understood. What may appear as discipline or control can settle much deeper, forming an internal sense of how to exist in the world. Years later, I met Esteban inside a prison in Medellín, Colombia, and when asked about his life, he began with the frozen child that had been shaping him over time.
The Subconscious Learns Through Generalization
Children do not experience events as separate moments. The mind begins to connect what happens and, over time, gives it meaning. Esteban did not only understand that he could not go to the beach or the cinema. Something deeper began to settle in. He came to feel that what he experienced had no place, that his voice carried little weight, and that keeping everything inside felt safer than trying to express it.
This is how the subconscious begins to take shape over time. It does not stop to examine each moment; it holds on to what repeats and turns it into a pattern. What begins in one situation slowly finds its way into others. As the child grows, the response no longer feels like a choice; it becomes something that simply happens.
Research helps bring clarity to this process. Teicher and Samson (2016) show that early emotional stress can affect how the brain responds to emotion and stress, with effects that can continue into adult life. What is learned in those early moments becomes part of how emotions are experienced later on. McLaughlin et al. (2019) also describe how repeated difficult experiences shape patterns that continue across different situations, even when the context changes.
In Esteban’s case, the freezing did not remain tied to his father or to those early moments at home. Over time, it became part of how he responded whenever something emotional appeared, whether it was loss, love, or connection. The same reaction followed him into adulthood, showing up in situations far removed from his childhood. In this way, the frozen child continues to live within the adult, shaping responses quietly over time.
When Emotional Freezing Becomes a Way of Living
As Esteban continued speaking, the impact of those early experiences became more visible. He described standing in front of his mother after her death, aware of the loss and aware of what he should feel, yet unable to cry. The emotion was there, but it did not move, as if something inside him kept it locked.
He then shared another moment that stayed with him. His child looked at him and said, “I love you.” He understood the meaning and felt the weight of those words. He wanted to respond, yet nothing came out, and the moment passed without expression. Something inside him held the feeling in, not allowing it to become words.
The same struggle appeared in his relationship with his wife. He cared and felt close to her, yet he could not say the words that build a connection over time. The feeling remained inside, unable to move outward, repeating the same pattern. What once helped him get through those early experiences stayed with him, shaping how he related as an adult.
Lanius et al. (2021) explain that trauma can interrupt the connection between feeling and expression, leaving a person aware of emotions but unable to communicate them. This gap affects relationships, identity, and daily life. In Esteban’s case, it became part of how he experienced loss, love, and connection.
The Lasting Impact of Words
The repeated phrase, You are not going, carried more than a simple instruction. It held a sense of exclusion and control, with little space for his experience to be seen. Over time, those words settled in, shaping how he understood his place and what he came to believe about himself.
Each of these experiences slowly built into a state of emotional freezing. It did not happen all at once; it took shape over time, settling in through repetition. In those moments, something quiet began to take hold, leaving little room for expression and even less space for feelings to move. What once helped him get through those situations stayed with him, becoming part of how he responded to life.
With time, this pattern moved into every part of his life. The child who stayed quiet became the adult who could not cry, who could not express love, and who struggled to connect despite feeling deeply inside. The subconscious carried those early experiences forward, shaping his responses without the need for thought.
The idea of the frozen child helps bring meaning to this. Emotional absence does not reflect emptiness; it reflects a time when expression did not feel possible. In those early moments, holding everything inside felt safer, and that way of responding stayed, even when the danger was no longer there.
In some lives, this disconnection begins to shape behavior in ways that are not always understood. When emotion cannot move freely, decisions can lose connection with empathy and with others. This does not explain everything, yet it opens a path toward understanding how some patterns begin.
Esteban did not begin as a criminal. He began as a child who learned to hold everything inside.
For those who recognize themselves in this, the frozen child has not disappeared. It is still there, shaping reactions, holding back words, and keeping emotions from fully moving. Over time, what was learned can begin to be understood, and in that understanding, something starts to shift. The change does not come all at once; it unfolds slowly, in much the same way it was first formed.
