So, it’s been 80,639 minutes since the two of you started dating. But there hasn’t yet been any commitment to exclusivity. Does that mean that it’s time to move on unless something happens to change in the 80,640th minute?
The so called “eight-week dating rule” popularized on social media does say that by two months of regularly seeing someone, a person generally knows their longer term intentions. And if the two of your haven’t yet had The Talk about going exclusive and calling each other, you know, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, significant other, one-and-only snookums, or something like that, then it ain’t ever going to happen.
Why Eight Weeks?
Of course, as with any dating rule, the deadline is not hard and fast like the due date for your taxes. It’s not as if something magical happens between seven and nine weeks. Instead, it’s a rough milestone—a check-in point.
It is good to have some kind of marker and check-in time when in dating limboland. Otherwise, the risk is that the uncertainty can drag on and on to an ultimately disappointing end, sort of like the TV series Lost. My younger, more naive medical-student self experienced such a situation, wasting months with a woman who would never feel that way about me. In retrospect, I should have cut things off by the eight-week mark to save myself lost effort and, more important, time.
The rationale behind eight weeks is that it’s given you enough time to see enough of each other to determine whether you are indeed compatible and interested enough to move to exclusivity—with an emphasis on enough already. Presumably, you already know key things about each other, such as each other’s names, appearances under different lighting, and, more important, behaviors during different situations. Presumably, your dates haven’t all been major productions like going to Michelin-starred restaurants where you may not see the real person at all. You’ve likely have had along the way more simple and mundane dates, such as “choremancing” ones. in which you’ve picked up, say, Michelin tires from the store, instead.
Eight weeks makes sense as being long enough. It’s nearly half an NFL football season. And by then you know which teams are the Super Bowl contenders versus toilet bowl ones. It’s also sort of smack in the middle of the 30- to 90-day probationary period that you often find for new jobs. That’s why it’s a good time to do a reality check.
Why Hasn’t the Other Person Committed by Eight Weeks?
The reality is that until you are exclusive, the other person is doing the “Netflix and chill” with you without fully subscribing to you, sitting in your figurative movie theater without paying for the ticket, and, well, you get the picture. The question, then, is why? It could be that the other person has a very different picture of you than you do of them. While you may view that person as a potential significant other, that person may not share that view for whatever reason. They may realize deep down that there is not a good fit between the two of you but haven’t had the need or guts to tell you.
It could also be a sign that the person does not value you enough to fear losing you. One of the big reasons why couples even go exclusive is to take each other off the dating market. Until then, you never know when either of you may one day say, “Umm, I’ve also been seeing this other person, and we’ve decided to go exclusive, meaning the other person is better than you” or simply exit stage right or wrong.
That said, there is the possibility that the other person is very much into you and does value you but is rather afraid of asking you for exclusivity. Perhaps that person is commitment-phobic in general. Or maybe you yourself have been sending out vibes that you don’t want to be exclusive. You could be like a couple of penguins standing on the edge of a cliff, waiting for the other to dive into exclusivity first.
What to Do at the Eight-Week Mark with No Commitment?
Rather than make assumptions, you could be upfront and request The Talk at the eight-week mark assuming that you do indeed want exclusivity. In the talk, clearly lay out what you want. If the person doesn’t want to be exclusive, you kind of have your answer right there—the person has committed to being non-committed with you
The only possible exception is if the other person has some temporary life circumstance that is legitimately occupying theirr time or energy—a health crisis, the death of a loved one, or work turmoil. If this is the case, you do at least deserve a clear explanation and a roadmap as to when a decision might come about. Clear communication is essential for the success of any relationship. Your time and efforts have value, too.
Remember, finding the right partner is about funding the right mutual match. It isn’t about proving yourself to someone else. If you’ve already had time to show your true self, you shouldn’t have to convince the other person that you are indeed worthy of an exclusive relationship. When the right fit is there, it should be evident after enough dating exposure to each other.
Nevertheless, it’s not always easy to leave a dating situation in which you like the other person, even if it is relatively clear that the other person doesn’t like you enough. But do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you solely? Having the strength to leave a one-sided situation will save you time and effort to look for a deserving partner. And citing the eight-week rule can help you bring up The Talk if you are feeling too weak to do so.
