Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is characterized by many themes and subtypes. Within the past decade, there has been growing acknowledgement and understanding of what is called relationship OCD, or ROCD for short. As with other forms of OCD, ROCD is characterized by intrusive, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and repetitive behaviors (including mental) aimed at reducing distress that usually—and inadvertently—feeds into the obsessive cycle.
While many people experience doubts about their romantic relationships, ROCD obsessions are particularly intense, troubling, and seemingly impossible to reason through.
Subtypes of ROCD
There are two subtypes of ROCD:
- Partner-focused or PF-ROCD: People with PF-ROCD are focused on their partner’s qualities. They obsess over whether their partner is the “right person” for them or whether they’re attracted to their partner. They may repetitively scrutinize their partner’s perceived attractiveness, intelligence, compatibility, and ability to get along.
- Relationship-centered or RCOCD: People with RCOCD focus more on the relationship itself. They obsess over whether they are in the “right relationship.” They want absolute certainty that the relationship will last—something that’s impossible to know for anyone.
It’s important to note that these subtypes aren’t mutually exclusive. In my clinical experience, many people with ROCD experience both.
You may notice the word “right” appears in both subtypes. That word, “right,” is a common sign of the intense difficulty tolerating uncertainty that is characteristic of OCD.
While ROCD frequently focuses on romantic relationships, it may also apply to other close relationships, such as those between a parent and child. For example, one client with whom I worked was obsessed with the idea that her spouse and child would both be happier without her in their lives. She had trouble being present with and enjoying their company because she constantly obsessed over whether she should leave them, because they would be better off.
Common ROCD Fears
There are two commonly feared outcomes in ROCD:
- Fear of harm to oneself: Individuals may fear they will never be happy because they are committed to the wrong person. They may worry that they will realize “too late” (e.g., in their 60s after decades of being together) that they have made a mistake and will spend the rest of their life alone.
- Fear of harm to the other person: Some individuals worry more about the emotional pain they would cause the other person because they had made the wrong choice. They worry that they will inevitably break up, and that because they didn’t figure it out sooner, they will have wasted their partner’s time and caused them unnecessary harm.
Again, an individual with OCD may experience both fears.
Signs and Symptoms of ROCD
Like most forms of OCD, ROCD is defined by engagement in compulsions or rituals. Some of the most common behaviors include:
- Checking. They engage in frequent checking of feelings that they are attracted to their partner. They look for signs that they are in the right relationship. For example, they may compare their relationship to past relationships, or to the relationships of people they know. Because we’re often not privy to what goes on in others’ relationships, it’s easy for individuals with ROCD to idealize the relationships of others while fixating on the perceived flaws in their own.
- Reassurance-seeking. Similar to checking, people with OCD often seek reassurance. Because people with OCD are prone to obsessive doubt, they may ask the same person the same questions multiple times. A common doubt is that they didn’t describe their concerns correctly, and they think that if they provide more information, they may receive a different response. Loved ones who have been on the receiving end of compulsive reassurance are often exhausted by having to answer the same questions over and over again.
- Research. People may engage in compulsive internet research, spending hours reading articles such as “10 Signs You’re in the Right Relationship.” Because the behavior is compulsive, the research only serves to reinforce obsessive doubt.
How ROCD Affects Relationships
ROCD can place immense strain on relationships.
Partners may feel:
- Exhausted from answering the same questions repeatedly
- Worn down by their partner’s ambivalence
- Frustrated by their partner’s inability to commit
Tinella and colleagues (2023) found that ROCD improved the longer someone was in a relationship. However, even the most understanding and sympathetic partner has limits after years of indecision. One client I worked with sought treatment because their partner gave them an ultimatum: If they were unwilling to take the step of proposing marriage and becoming engaged, they would end it. This placed our therapy on a bit of a timeline!
People with ROCD may also impulsively end the relationship, not because they want to, but because they hope breaking up will relieve their intense anxiety and doubt. However, this compulsive ending of the relationship is often more painful, leading to regret and attempts at reconciliation, further straining the relationship.
ROCD vs. Normal Doubt
Relationship doubts are normal. How do you know when it might be ROCD? Here are a few indicators:
- Need for certainty. Many of my non-OCD clients question whether they want to be with someone or whether they should end a relationship. However, they are able to accept the uncertainty that any relationship may end. Someone prone to ROCD seeks absolute certainty that they are in the “right” relationship, as if there is some objective benchmark, a cosmically correct decision.
- A sense of urgency. When we question the value of a relationship, we may take the time to patiently reflect on what we want. Someone prone to ROCD—and OCD in general—experiences a pressing need to figure it out immediately. This unnecessary urgency creates enormous stress and anxiety.
- Presence of compulsions. By definition, OCD involves a combination of obsessions—intrusive thoughts or feared outcomes—and compulsions, behaviors intended to neutralize and ward off fears associated with obsessions. People with ROCD engage in constant checking: that they love their partner, that their partner is compatible, and that past interactions may clarify that they are in the right relationship. They may ask for reassurance from their partner and from loved ones. However, any assurance they receive is never enough. They may spend hours reading articles about relationships, hoping knowledge will provide the certainty they seek. However, these compulsions only reinforce the OCD cycle.
- Hyperfocus on flaws. People with PF-ROCD may fixate on perceived flaws or imperfections in their partner. Are they attractive enough? Is their partner a good fit in terms of shared values, intelligence, or ability to contribute to the household, whether that’s financial or through household chores?
Treating ROCD
As I’ve written in other blog posts, the treatment for OCD with the most research support is exposure and response (or ritual) prevention (ERP). Through repeated exposure to their fears, people with ROCD learned to:
- Be present with anxiety while choosing not to engage in compulsions.
- Accept that they can never be 100 percent sure that they’ve chosen the “right” person.
- Get in touch with their own feelings, intuition, and judgment about the other person. They may realize that deep down, they’re happier than not with their partner, in their relationship, and trust that if there are problems down the road, they can handle them.
Through ERP, people learn to reconnect with what they value, with how they feel about their loved one, and to accept that absolute certainty in relationships is not possible.
Final Thoughts
Relationship OCD is deeply painful—not just for the person experiencing it, but for their partner as well. ROCD isn’t about the relationship itself, though—it’s about how the individual relates to uncertainty.
With ERP and new cognitive behavior treatments such as acceptance and commitment therapy, it’s possible to break free from the cycle of doubt and build a relationship based not on certainty but on choosing to be with someone because they care about them, getting in touch with what they value, and accepting that no partner is perfect.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
