Recently, two young survivors of sibling sexual abuse (SSA), aged 17 and 22, reached out to me. I cannot imagine having been able to reach out in the same way when I was in my late teens and early 20s. I cannot imagine what it would have been like to find any other survivors or any reassuring or sympathetic resources when I was young. Back then, there were no websites like Sibling Sexual Trauma and 5WAVES, Discord groups for survivors and parents of survivors, books on SSA, or any other forms of support.
All that has changed since I was in my 20s, nearly 40 years ago now. In the last five years, organizations, websites, and podcasts have been created, offering resources that were previously inaccessible.
Support groups, trained therapists, and stories by and for sibling sexual abuse survivors have cropped up all over the world. Scholars are researching disclosure and the effects of SSA, and publishing their results. And now a conference, Sibling Sexual Trauma & Abuse: Breaking the Silence, has been organized to help.
When I was 17, 19, 22, 24…
At age 17, I had not even admitted to myself that what my brother had done was abuse. I was sneaking out of the house, smoking a lot of weed, and raging and/or crying myself to sleep at night.
At age 19, I finally got the words out of my mouth and told a new friend that I’d been abused. I also said I was sure I had done something to bring it on, that my family would never believe me, much less do anything to support me, and that it wasn’t as big a deal as I was making it.
At age 22, I was trying to crawl out of my skin. The flashbacks and fear seized me without a moment’s notice. It would take me days to weeks to settle myself.
At age 24, I knew I would explode or never see my family again if I didn’t tell them what my brother, their son, had done to me. I was living far from them and returned specifically to confront them with the truth. I had no money at the time, but I planned how I would leave and get back across the country if they denied the abuse. They didn’t deny it, but their responses were retraumatizing, and they offered no meaningful support after my disclosures.
Believe in yourself: You are worth it, and you are worthy
I had found the strength to tell each one of them and still believe in myself and in the truth.
I had found a way to sit across a table from my brother, confront him about what he had done, and still stay firm in my belief in myself.
Most importantly, for the first time in my life, I no longer felt that he held any power over me because I had spoken the truth.
That feeling of power, of trust in myself, of knowing that speaking the truth to my family was saving me, was the best feeling in the world.
Disclosing was not easy, but it was necessary. While I was unprepared for my family’s lack of meaningful support and their retraumatizing comments (“Well, it’s in the past.” “Oh, that’s why you and your brother were at each other’s throats that summer.” “Are you OK now?”) Even though I was devastated by their minimizing the trauma of my brother’s assaults, I felt stronger and more able to take the steps that would lead to further healing.
My relationships with most of my siblings have never recovered from my speaking out about what my brother did to me or the damage it did to our entire family.
Speaking out, disclosing to my family, was necessary and liberating, giving me a road back to myself.
Gather, dream, act
At age 66, I am about to give the keynote presentation at the Sibling Sexual Trauma and Abuse (SSTA) conference in June. We are gathering. We are having a conference. I have dreamed of this since I was in my 20s.
We all get to dream into existence what we want. Don’t let anyone tell you you can’t. Or, when they do, just go on your way and keep creating and building. There will be others to build with you.
Each time we speak about sibling sexual abuse/incest, each time we reach out to a trusted person, we are saving lives, preventing more harm, and promoting healing and recovery.
This is community and solidarity as action.
