Isn’t it wonderful how many people all around you know exactly why you are in grad school, what you should be doing, and what your long-term goals should be? Getting a PhD should be a positive walk in the park with so many well-wishers working tirelessly to guide you through this period of your life.
But let’s be real—with so many people seeming to know exactly what, why, where, and how, it is easy to lose sight of the most pertinent piece of information, namely, the reason why you chose to go to grad school in the first place.
Here are some external pressures that my graduate student therapy clients have routinely reported to me. These pressures sometimes swell and balloon out of all proportion, and they entirely obscure people’s own desires and motivations. And remember, this is only a subset—there surely are many more.
- Pressure from advisors to stay in academia: This is the first on the list because it might be the most frequent one I hear: Many people have academic advisors who are actually decent and well-meaning. However, these people have been in academia for a long time, and somewhere along their own journeys, many of them have come to believe that there is no life outside of academia and that all their students should therefore aim to become university professors. Thus, many students feel the immense weight of expectation that they should make an academic career their sole desire.
- Pressure from parents to stay in academia: This one comes up often (though not exclusively) in the context of international students with families overseas: Becoming a professor, especially in a famous American university, comes with a halo of “shininess” and prestige. If you have a child who is an American professor, you must have done something right in raising them. I have had many people report that they experience great pressure from their parents to pursue an academic path, even when this does not fit their character and personal aspirations.
- Pressure from families in general: Pressure from families comes in all shapes and sizes. Some families are keen on raising professors, while others consider lucrative careers in finance or high tech more appealing. The specifics change, but the point remains: It is difficult to go through grad school while being strongly encouraged to dream someone else’s dream.
- The pressure of competition: When high-achieving competitive people get together, the inevitable happens—they immediately start competing with each other. I have heard numerous accounts of people spending an incredible amount of resources pursuing goals that would make them competitive with their peers but are not good for them. This includes fighting for internships solely because others have secured them, joining projects that don’t further any personal goals, etc.
It sometimes takes a long time in therapy for people to become OK with acknowledging their actual, personal goals and the true reasons why they chose to pursue advanced degrees. Here are a few examples of people’s genuine reasons for being in grad school:
- The university environment: Some people opted for grad school simply because they like the university environment and student lifestyle, enjoy learning, and were not ready for an “adult” job yet.
- The pleasure of excelling: Some people went to grad school because they were such great students in undergrad, and they figured that grad school would be another place for them to shine. Such people sometimes report that, in truth, they were never interested in any particular scholarly discipline; they simply wanted to do something that they believed they could do really well.
- Earnings potential: Yet others went to grad school because they believed that it would maximize their future earnings by making them eligible for higher-paying jobs. This is especially true for people in technical fields, such as computer science and engineering.
- The opportunity for a green card: The reality for international students looking to stay in the United States is that going to graduate school could be their best bet for being able to apply later for a green card.
- Desire for a career in academia: This one is so obvious that it might sound silly. Some people went to grad school because they actually want to pursue a career in academia.
Let’s get to the point. If you compare the first list with the second, you will notice they share some commonalities but carry a different flavor. You might also notice that the second list includes practical life goals (e.g., getting a green card) and honest human goals (e.g., having a bit more fun before getting a traditional job) that are entirely missing from the first list. In other words, when people get pressured, not only are they pressured away from their true life goals, but they are also pressured to denounce the human, down-to-earth reasons they may have had for making the choice they did.
Allow me to remind you: Your years in mandatory education are long over. You are a free agent who chose to come to grad school freely, and you are free to leave. There is nothing special about grad school and no divine reason why it should be any different from any other life choice. It should serve your own practical and/or aspirational life goals and nothing else. Your advisor may want you to be in love with the science and may put pressure on you to serve at the feet of the gods of academia, but you may be there simply because you want to make more money later, and that’s OK. Conversely, your family may envision you becoming a Google executive and earning millions, but you may be there so that you can later teach in a small liberal arts college, and that is OK too.
Just remember, as long as you treat people with respect, pass your qualifying exams, fulfill your contractual obligations, and are able to fulfill the basic criteria for being granted your degree, you owe nothing else to anyone, and you should feel free to embrace your personal reasons for being in grad school.
