Perfectionism is the pursuit of a perfect environment and/or a perfect self in order to have perfect thoughts about oneself. Perfectionism and obsessiveness, more broadly, are defenses aimed at managing self-doubt. At their core is a mind plagued by extremely negative thinking about one’s essential self. Self-doubt can manifest with thoughts like “Am I bad?” “Am I ugly?” “Am I unlovable?” And the perfectionist often finds a plethora of purportedly good reasons to answer yes.
To attempt to challenge a mind prone to personalizing (believing that every bad thing that happens to them is because of them), mental filtering (being unable to perceive the positive aspects of their life), overgeneralizing (perceiving everything about them as bad, in this case), and disqualifying positives (finding reasons to disbelieve they have positive traits), perfectionists turn from thought to action. Believing they can’t directly tame their thoughts, they instead believe they can tame their exterior lives. This, in large part, explains their fixation on control.
So, they may become obsessed with changing and improving their appearance (e.g., looksmaxxing) or obsess over learning as much as possible, if they’re insecure about their intelligence; they may even hide from the world until they feel completely socially competent. The underlying belief is that once I’m perfect (even if this is domain-specific), I’ll never have to hate myself again. There’s a sense that perfection is equivalent to cognitive mastery. For example, if I know I’m beautiful, then anyone calling me ugly is either delusional or jealous. And this sort of reasoning can be applied to one’s sense of social standing, intelligence, or goodness. Perfection, if attained, provides an emotional escape, extinguishing self-doubt through mind-reading. Knowing what others think makes your social life worry-free.
The perfectionist, who tends to struggle with black-and-white thinking and fear of uncertainty, aims to cultivate comfort through perfect knowledge stemming from perfect action—becoming “objectively beautiful,” for instance, both feels possible and curative. In treatment, I may ask a perfectionist, “Do you think therapy can help you?” And they may respond, “If it could, it would help make me beautiful.” Essentially, this individual is saying they need something about the world to change in order to change their perspective. The problem, as may be evident to you, is that perfect beauty, intelligence, and goodness don’t exist; therefore, no matter the degree of improvement, the perfectionist is always going to grapple with the uncertainty of who they really are and how others really perceive them. Can any amount of beauty or intelligence make you believe you’re beautiful or brilliant everywhere, all of the time, and to everyone? Should it be that all or nothing?
But, due to black-and-white thinking, perfectionists believe that something is either true or it isn’t. To reuse our example, you either are or aren’t beautiful. And to follow the logic of black-and-white thinking, this means that if you are beautiful, then everyone believes it (including you and even your haters deep down), and if you aren’t, then some people are “just being nice” by telling you that you are, while others are honest when telling you that you aren’t. I hope that in reading this, it’s obvious why perfectionists struggle so much and how coherent their thinking can be. I also hope that it’s obvious why they search for something external to rescue them from their thoughts, which constitute complex and arguably brilliant webs. Ultimately, all of us holding identical perceptions of them makes them feel secure, at least in theory. However, it’s impossible, no matter how perfect you think you are, to know that they do.
So, rather than needing to know for certain that another’s negative perception of you is wrong, it may be more helpful to allow some others to believe what they will about you. We don’t need to positively reframe every single negative thought; we need to learn how to better tolerate disapproval and the variety of thoughts and perceptions. The perfectionist may argue, “But if this person doesn’t find me attractive, then how can I be certain that someone I love does?” Unfortunately, you can’t. But you can estimate how they feel about you based on how they show up. Do they tell you they love you? Do they look at you endearingly? Do they try hard to make you feel special and wanted? And, maybe most important, do they care that you’re imperfect?
Perfectionism is appealing because perfection is neat, in contrast to emotional chaos. Perfectionism promises solace and understanding; it carries hope. For those whose emotions tend to seesaw, it offers a map to escape that complex maze. However, your only escape stems from your ability to see through your web of misunderstandings. Can you live in a world where everyone you meet doesn’t share the same opinion of you? Can you tolerate another’s love, knowing that some others can’t and won’t love you? And, this is the million-dollar question for the perfectionist: Can you live in a world with imperfect circumstances and facts?
