Most parents think they are solving anxiety by answering each question thoroughly and carefully. But each reassurance becomes a “tiny rep” in the overthinking gym. The child’s brain learns that uncertainty is dangerous and that someone else will resolve it for them.
For example, eight-year-old Josh at nighttime asks his mom, “What if there is a fire tonight?” His mom, Chloe, reassures Josh by emphasizing that they have smoke detectors, the escape plan, and a high percentage of their safety odds. Josh feels soothed and content for ten minutes until the next thought spiral of “what ifs” gets overly loud in his brain. Or, how about thirteen-year-old Piper, who spirals into “are they mad at me” mode when her dad doesn’t get back to her after a text she sent forty minutes ago. Piper’s reassuring dad tells her, “You have nothing to worry about,” until the next text delay crisis rocks Piper’s world even more.
3 Crucial Points for Parents
While it may seem counterintuitive when your child is seeking your reassurance, please consider that your reassurance is often a short-term fix with a long-term cost. It soothes the moment, but it strengthens the neural habit of seeking reassurance externally rather than internally.
My next point is that kids don’t need fewer worries. They need different relationships with their worries. The goal is not to teach your kids how to eliminate “what ifs,” but rather to teach them to tolerate them and realize they don’t need you to be a first responder every time they face uncertainty. That means your kids can learn to accept their thoughts without trying to neutralize them.
My third point is that overthinking is a family pattern and not just a kid trait. Anxious overthinking often mirrors a parent’s coping style. This means the intervention point may best be the parents’ responses, rather than the child’s overthinking.
How To Healthily Help Your Overthinking Child
I have seen much written about children’s racing thoughts, but few practical tools to help them. One valuable tool is “Name It To Tame It.” It teaches your child to label the worry itself (e.g., “That’s my worry brain doing its ‘what if’ thing again and trying to take over right now.). As I further describe in my book, Freeing Your Child From Overthinking, naming the pattern, rather than trying to solve it, helps loosen the grip of overthinking. It is a small shift, but it helps kids interrupt the loop without feeling like they are facing their fears alone.
