Goblintimacy, a clever mash-up of the words goblin and intimacy, is a dating trend where instead of leading with your best presentation of self, you take a deep gulp and do the opposite: Let your date know from the outset that you are far, far from perfect and then provide the details of your imperfection. That way, you may rest assured that, if they stick around for a second date, all is well. You will never be rejected since they already know the worst possible things about you and they weren’t fazed a bit. Turns out this is not a great strategy.
Why Goblintimacy Doesn’t Work
First, it implies that you and I can somehow control the feelings of another person. Like the 1963 song “Love Potion #9,” techniques that promise a predictable outcome are a scam. Everyone is different, and there is absolutely no predicted outcome from smooth lines delivered at the bar, love potions, or goblintimacy. Instead, let’s consider what you’re trying to build: intimacy.
What Does Intimacy Really Mean?
Intimacy was defined in 2001 by Dr. Dennis A. Bagarozzi as “the ability to safely share one’s life with another.” Note the key word, “safely.” The establishment of intimacy is the desired goal in relationships. Whether we end up as a couple or not, when we’re dating or conversing, or otherwise getting to know one another, people who feel safe are more likely to share who they are. Getting to know someone better allows both of us to make informed decisions about where to take the relationship.
Another Reason Goblintimacy Doesn’t Work
It’s not safe for anyone to know the worst of us in sound bites that put those awful truths out there without any context whatsoever. Maybe awful truths (or truths you’re afraid of getting out) happened so many years ago they simply are irrelevant to who you are today. Maybe those awful truths really are no reflection on who you are at all (like your parents deciding to divorce). Maybe those awful truths are relevant to who you are, but knowing their context makes a huge difference (like a struggle for sobriety after turning to alcohol to handle trauma).
Asking someone to overlook the worst things about you without the context of your life to explain those facts is too much for anyone and is never going to result in safe, authentic intimacy. What it will create is some trauma bonding that feels like intimacy for a minute, but it isn’t intimacy at all. Trauma bonding isn’t the foundation for building a successful relationship.
Consider This
Let the other person get to know you at their own speed while you do the same with them. Dating is supposed to be fun; it is not a confessional where you pour out your sins, real or imagined, as you hope for forgiveness.
So relax, enjoy your time together. Maybe it’ll work out (although the odds are always against this), but the time spent together can be pleasant, and you’ll enjoy yourself as you two open up at a more natural pace. Most likely, you will meet someone you’re compatible with, and by then you’ll have the skills to safely allow them into your private life and to listen to them as they do the same.
