Dependence is the state of relying on someone or something to help improve your functioning.
Dependence may be reasonable or unreasonable. Here are the good, the bad, and the ugly aspects of dependence:
The Good
The ideal state is not being 100% independent, but rather relying on other people and things when appropriate. Clear cases of rational dependence involve being dependent on food, clothing, and shelter in a non-compulsive or addictive manner. You can be dependent on your dermatologist, ophthalmologist, or dentist to help and advise you in the areas they specialize in.
The Bad
Irrational dependence is characterized by beliefs such as:
- I absolutely must have someone’s support, help, approval, and love.
- I am without a relationship, and I can’t stand being alone.
- My partner must be loving, approving, and helpful at all times.
- Not having a relationship proves I’m unlovable.
- It’s awful to have a life without a partner.
Overcome the bad dependence by identifying the irrational beliefs causing it, then questioning, challenging, and contradicting them again, and again, and again.
The Ugly
Dependence on alcohol and drugs is often the most harmful type of dependence because it not only makes little sense psychologically, since it tends to cause anxiety and depression, but frequently it will wreak havoc on your body and long-term health.
Harm from alcohol includes: liver disease, pancreatitis, heart disease, and cardiovascular disease.
The good news is that all unreasonable dependence is caused by your thinking, and you can change your thinking by questioning, challenging, and uprooting your irrational beliefs.
Suppose you are addicted to alcohol and believe you absolutely must satisfy your urge for a drink. Address this addiction-created thinking using a three-minute exercise, for example:
A. (Activating Event) I have the urge for a glass of wine.
B. (Irrational Beliefs) I absolutely must have my urge for a glass of wine satisfied. I cannot stand the frustration. I can’t control myself. It’s awful, terrible, and horrible to feel frustrated.
C. (Undesirable Behavior) Compulsively drinking wine.
D. (Disputing or Questioning the Irrational Belief) What is the evidence that proves I can’t rationally stand having my urge unsatisfied? What is the evidence that I can’t control myself?
E. (Effective New Thinking) There is no reasonable evidence, logic, or pragmatics that proves I can’t rationally stand having my urge for wine unfulfilled. Although I greatly prefer to have a glass of wine right now, I do not absolutely have to. I don’t like feeling frustrated, but I definitely can rationally stand what I do not like. I have survived this in the past, and I will survive it this time. Demanding I drink now doesn’t help and only makes it more difficult to resist. It’s not my craving for a glass of wine that is my problem, but rather it’s my irrational thinking about it, and with much practice, I can change my thinking.
F. (New Behavior that resulted from Effective New Thinking.) Refusing to drink the wine.
