In my previous post, I explained the two types of “Mate Value” that affect attraction.
There’s “Consensual Mate Value” — or the immediate attractiveness a person has when you don’t know them, and then there’s “Unique Mate Value,” aka compatibility, that becomes more important in someone’s attractiveness assessment of you as they get to know you, or you them.
I pointed out that for older women in particular, it makes sense to meet potential partners in contexts that prioritise the compatibility element of mate value.
The obvious way to do this is to meet people in places where you can get to know them over time, like in clubs, classes, activities, or a workplace where you meet regularly. This means you can get to know each other’s idiosyncrasies and potentially increase attraction to, and desire for, each other — if there is compatibility between you.
It is worth noting that research by Kevin Kniffin & David Sloan Wilson of SUNY at Binghamton has demonstrated that when we get to know and like someone for their non-physical traits, e.g., personality or intelligence, we rate their physical attractiveness more highly.
The downside of this way of meeting potential partners — getting to know them over time — is that it is, by definition, very time-consuming.
It means committing yourself to attending the relevant events and spending time with multiple people to decide who you like, who you get on with, and who is actually available for a relationship.
As a dating consultant, then, I always recommend that my clients sign up for online dating as part of their mate search strategy, because it’s an efficient way of coming into contact with a large number of potential dating candidates. In fact, most of my clients find their partners via dating apps.
But I’m guessing it won’t have escaped your notice that it’s not easy to assess compatibility on a dating app. In fact, online dating encourages users to objectify each other, often to spend just a few seconds focusing on physical appearance in photos and maybe a few words in a bio before deciding to swipe left or right.
So, how are older women seeking a male, long-term partner, supposed to demonstrate high “Unique Mate Value” for the right person online?
3 things you can do to increase online dating satisfaction
1. Get specific in your profile/bio/prompt answers to resonate with the right man.
First, you’ll need to pick an app that allows a decent word count so you have a chance to tell the person reading your bio what makes you tick. This will generally mean going for one of the more traditional dating sites with longish onboarding processes rather than the “swipeable” apps, although if you can make good use of your prompt answers, the latter may still work well.
Then get specific in your profile or bio. Paint a picture of what your life is like, show off your quirks, tell a story of something that really floats your boat and how it made you feel. This will put off plenty of people, but it’ll resonate with, and help you stand out for, men you’re likely to be compatible with.
And of course, you’ll be able to assess men on whether or not they pick up on the specifics in your profile when messaging you, or whether they just send out copied and pasted messages that took little investment.
2. De-prioritise going for the highest “Consensual Mate Value” in men.
You might be tempted to go for the best-looking guys online, or those who seem to have high status or a great salary. To be fair, you don’t often have a lot more to go on in making your choice. But the problem is, these men will have high Consensual Mate Value, there will be lots of competition for their attention (and they know it), and so you’re far less likely to be able to have a relationship with such a man where they’ll value you in the way you’d like. High CMV does not equate to high value as a partner.
There’s even experimental evidence that good-looking men are not so nice, on average. According to a study by Michael Price and his colleagues at Brunel University in London, physically attractive men are less likely to be egalitarian and generous in the “dictator game” — a standard experimental economic task. The same effect has been found for wealthy men. The researchers speculate that such men have less to gain from being egalitarian because they possess higher social bargaining power. Attractive men don’t have to try so hard, so there’s less incentive to be nice.
When choosing a potential date, it may be better to focus on traits that suggest potential as a good, long-term partner: kindness, reliability, emotional stability, and, of course, compatibility.
While you might be able to get some clues about these traits from a well-written profile, you’ll generally be able to pin these down only once you start meeting in person, and this brings me on to the last point.
3. Get off the app and meet up as quickly as possible.
Don’t message with someone for ages. You’ll only be able to get a proper sense of what a man is like by getting face-to-face, at least on a video call. So once you’ve had four or five texts each way, I’d suggest it’s time to suggest a call, and if that goes well and you have a connection, the next step, of course, is to meet for an in-person date.
“Online” dating is something of a misnomer. The dating doesn’t happen online; it’s simply a forum to find potential dates to choose from. The crucial stuff happens when you get together — in real life — to assess that all-important compatibility.
