Brian and Naomi were like many long-time married couples with kids you’d see at the neighborhood barbeques. From all appearances, they were happy enough with each other (they quarreled like everyone else, but they always sat next to each other); they did a good job parenting together, and they seemed to be a good team.
But, behind closed doors, they were like two ships passing in the night. After 17 years together (16 of those married), there was little, if any, glue holding them together romantically. Fortunately, they had avoided the path of accumulating giant resentments like so many of their friends had, but the physical love light had gone out years ago—after their third child (now 8) was born.
They felt like what had been building was a whole lot of unfulfillment, and this was teetering on turning into misery. They both felt stuck. And like they were living a lie.
The traditional options were pretty simple: stay married and feel trapped, or get divorced and break up the family. Not liking either choice, they kicked the can down the road—for years. They hoped someday they would know what to do. Maybe a spark would be reignited, or something would happen to make it clear that they should go their separate ways.
That day never came. Instead, they overheard Brian’s cousin talking about a different way he and his wife were holding their relationship at a family gathering. He called it a “parenting marriage” (PM for short).
Devon and his wife, Katia, had started a PM on the advice of their couple’s therapist, stating emphatically that it was the answer to their prayers.
As Devon pointed out, the parenting marriage brought them a tremendous amount of relief by “not having to pretend or play the part of romantic partners any longer.” They got along well and had a deep caring for one another, but the sex was non-existent. Splitting up seemed to be overkill, and it also would have crippled them financially. The clinician assessed Devon and Katia and told them she thought they could make a PM work. She was right.
Naomi and Brian thought that sounded like exactly what might work for them, so they went home and did their own research on the internet. Once they learned how to get started, they never looked back.
Like Devon and Katia, they were the perfect candidates because they got along well as friends, they co-parented well together, they were on the same page as far as the romance being gone (for far too long), and they were both open to trying something out of the norm.
They chose not to share what they were doing with their kids, or with anyone else, until they felt they had a solid grasp on how it worked. The mental adjustment took some time, but eventually, their new way of relating felt natural. They realized they had been living this way without having a name or structure for it. Now, they felt they could live as coparents on purpose. They also realized that having more autonomy provided tremendous relief.
That’s the idea behind a parenting marriage
In a parenting marriage, you stay legally married, but you stop trying to be romantic partners. Instead, you become partners in raising your children, and you’re allowed to live a more independent life alongside the family and parent roles you have. As I tell people, when you’re faced with staying unhappily or going, a parenting marriage is the “least bad option” that allows you to stay and go. Couples can get emotionally divorced without getting legally divorced.
It won’t work for everyone. But for the right couple, it can offer a middle path between staying and going.
Here are the top five qualities couples need in order to be good candidates:
1. Get along as co-parents.
Obviously, this is the foundation of being able to co-parent your kids together well. You don’t have to align on every single topic, but you do need to be close enough and able to negotiate when your opinions do conflict.
2. Share parenting goals and values.
Wanting the same things for your kids is important. One reason you may want to stay is to provide sports, schooling, and extracurriculars for them so they benefit from more education and social interaction with peers. This is a common example of shared goals and values.
3. Trust one another.
If one of you has an untreated addiction or mental illness, or there has been a history of deceit (affairs, financial betrayal, etc.), this model will probably not work for you. It’s important to trust that your partner won’t hurt you or bring harm to the family.
4. Respect one another.
Kids do best when parents get along. This is true whether parents split or stay together. This means, if you are staying together “for the kids,” it’s especially incumbent on you to get along. A tiff now and then is normal, but chronic levels of anger and tension are toxic—especially to kids.
5. Be open to practicing a non-traditional relationship.
You never have to share that you are doing a parenting marriage with anyone; however, if you go on to date, you may have to disclose to kids and community, lest someone see you out with another person holding hands.
