Let me tell you the story of Steven.
In high school, Steven’s teachers described him as bright but disruptive. He frequently challenged rules and authority figures. He was abrasive, impatient, and dismissive of others who couldn’t keep up with his ideas.
Steven had a restless personality and was attracted to unusual and extreme ideas. He dropped out of college after one semester and eventually found a job at a video-game company. His coworkers recognized him as brilliant and creative. But because of his poor hygiene and difficulty getting along with other employees, he was assigned the night shift.
Over time, Steven internalized the feedback he repeatedly received: Because of his difficult personality, he would never be successful. Steven never managed to hold a stable job and lived a life marked by bitterness and obscurity.
At least, that’s what you might predict from the story so far.
Everything I told you is true, except for the last two sentences. I was referring to Steven Paul Jobs, better known as Steve Jobs. After his stint at Atari, Jobs co-founded Apple, whose products are beloved by millions around the world.
Jobs had confidence in his abilities and never allowed the naysayers to squash his dreams. But imagine an alternate history in which Jobs lacked confidence and didn’t recognize his strengths. Perhaps his career would have unfolded differently.
Most of us will never have careers that rival Jobs’s, but his life offers important lessons about recognizing and managing our strengths and weaknesses.
I’m convinced that many people have hidden strengths—strengths hidden from themselves and sometimes from others. Here, I’m using “strengths” broadly to refer to character strengths, skills, talents, or biological assets. Many people, especially those from marginalized backgrounds, can’t see their strengths because they have internalized messages about their weaknesses.
Uncovering your hidden strengths isn’t about boosting your ego. Recognizing them enables you to use them intentionally and make a stronger contribution to others, your organization, and society.
Here are three reasons you might have difficulty recognizing your strengths.
1. The Shadow
Like Steve Jobs, you might have glaring weaknesses closely connected to your strengths. For Jobs, rebelliousness and creativity went hand in hand, as did restlessness and curiosity.
I call these weaknesses the shadow because they follow you wherever you go. You, and perhaps the people in your life, might recognize only the shadow—not the strengths attached to it. Imagine someone who sees their shadow every day but has never seen their reflection. That’s what it’s like to fixate on your weaknesses without recognizing your strengths.
Perhaps your coworkers and family members see your shadow. You’ve repeatedly been told that you have a problem with _____ and need to change. If this sounds familiar, you’ll likely need to manage your shadow to be successful.
But eliminating it completely may not be helpful. Because your shadow is tightly welded to your strengths, eliminating one may weaken the other. You may need to accept that the shadow will always be part of your life while learning to tame it.
A mentor or coach can help you channel your strengths without letting the shadow run amok. Steve Jobs needed to become less abrasive without letting go of his high standards. A good mentor doesn’t try to turn the rebel into a conformist or the visionary into a bureaucrat. They help you build guardrails around your weaknesses while preserving the qualities that make you exceptional.
2. Your Miscalibrated Strength
Another reason you can’t recognize your strength is that it’s miscalibrated. Your greatest weakness is often your greatest strength without training.
Suppose you’re a big worrier. You catastrophize about everything, replaying worst-case scenarios in your mind. Even though you’re highly successful and those scenarios rarely occur, your anxiety is wrecking your life.
A therapist might recommend evaluating your catastrophic thoughts and developing more realistic and optimistic ways of thinking. There’s nothing wrong with this approach. I’ve used it myself.
But what if you have the strength of defensive pessimism, and it’s miscalibrated? Psychologist Julie Norem explains that defensive pessimism is a strategy in which people have low expectations and imagine what could go wrong before an important event. By thinking through worst-case scenarios, they turn anxiety into motivation, prepare thoroughly, and develop plans to avoid problems. Their anxiety typically doesn’t interfere with their performance.
If you’re a defensive pessimist who experiences immense anxiety, starting with the premise that you have a miscalibrated strength can be a game changer. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” you might say, “These thoughts are helping me identify potential problems so I can prepare well.”
Recalibrating your strengths requires wisdom. It may mean becoming more flexible, treating a strength as a dial that can be turned up or down. For defensive pessimists, this means distinguishing between situations where worrying is helpful and situations where it isn’t.
3. When Strengths Are Undervalued by Others
Maybe you have a strength that isn’t appreciated by the people around you. The problem may not be you. Your environment may be a poor fit.
Perhaps you have the strength of woo, which Tom Rath describes as the ability to connect easily with new people and win them over. If your job is primarily administrative, but you love talking to customers or coworkers, you might be told that you’re too distracted and distracting.
Perhaps you’re better suited to a role that rewards woo, such as sales or marketing.
Identifying Your Strengths
If you’re keenly aware of your weaknesses but not your strengths, consider taking an assessment such as the VIA Character Strengths Survey or the CliftonStrengths Assessment.
But there’s another path I highly recommend. Identify someone who can be your strength-spotter—someone who can see past your weaknesses and identify your strengths. This person sees not only who you are but who you could become if your strengths were properly harnessed. You could also call this person the encourager.
The people who have known you the longest aren’t always the best strength-spotters. Familiarity can make strengths seem ordinary, both to you and your loved ones.
You might need a mentor, coach, therapist, or friend with fresh eyes to help you uncover the strengths you take for granted. It isn’t egotistical to ask someone for help identifying them.
Reflections on Gratitude
If you’ve benefited from a strength-spotter who has been gracious with your weaknesses, take time to thank them. These individuals are gems and deserve your gratitude.
You can pay it forward by becoming a strength-spotter yourself. Be gracious to people with glaring weaknesses. They might be diamonds in the rough. You may be seeing only their shadow, not their strengths.
When you uncover someone’s strengths, tell them. Show them how their strengths can flourish while they manage their shadow. Many people already receive constant feedback about what they need to fix. Sometimes the gift they need most is someone showing them what they cannot yet see in themselves.
This piece is Part 11 of a mini-series on the Varieties of Goodness. A version also appears in my Substack newsletter on the science and practice of gratitude.
