Q: My co-parent and I have been parallel parenting since our breakup. We communicate as little as possible because keeping our lives separate prevents arguments. Recently, our son came home from his father’s house very upset. His grandfather lives with Dad, and they are extremely close. Grandpa has cancer and has become very thin. Our son noticed and was frightened, but he was afraid to ask Dad or Grandpa what was happening. When he came back to my house, he asked if Grandpa was going to die. I didn’t even know Grandpa was sick. I was completely unprepared to help him. How do you know when it’s time to share information?
A: After a breakup, parents may choose a parallel parenting approach to limit communication and reduce conflict. But parallel parenting doesn’t eliminate the need to share information about your child.
The big question is: When does sharing information really become necessary?
A good guideline is this: Your child goes back and forth. At times, the information necessary to support your child may have to go back and forth, too. If knowing something will help your co-parent understand, care for, or support your child, it’s probably information worth sharing.
Your son’s grandfather’s illness is a perfect example.
Balancing Privacy and Your Child’s Needs
Grandpa’s medical information is private. Dad doesn’t have to tell you the details of his father’s diagnosis or treatment. But your son is watching someone he loves become very thin. He knows something is wrong. He’s frightened. And then he comes to your home carrying that fear.
At that point, Grandpa’s illness is no longer information that affects only Dad’s household. It’s affecting your child. Now the approach changes.
This is an opportunity for the two of you to decide together how you will support your son. And, it’s best if you have discussions like this before the fact.
What does he know?
What has he noticed?
What is he afraid of?
What language are you both using to explain Grandpa’s illness?
If Grandpa is dying, what does your son need to understand?
How will you both answer his questions?
You don’t have to have identical conversations. But a child facing the possible death of someone he loves benefits enormously when the adults caring for him aren’t operating with completely different information.
Too often, estranged co-parents think sharing information means giving an ex access to their personal life.
It doesn’t.
Even one conversation between you and Dad changes what happens when your son comes home. Instead of being caught by surprise, you’re prepared. You can reinforce what Dad has already explained and offer comfort to your son as he navigates something very painful.
Everyday Examples of Important Information to Share
No matter how estranged you feel, there will be other times when sharing information makes it easier for both of you to support your child. For example:
Your child has a terrible argument with a best friend and is devastated.
Your child gets cut from the soccer team.
A beloved pet dies.
A teacher expresses concern about falling grades.
A close family member is hospitalized.
Your teenager goes through a painful breakup.
A grandparent receives a serious diagnosis.
None of these things necessarily requires a lengthy co-parenting conference. Sometimes a simple heads-up is enough:
“She had a rough day today. Her best friend told her she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. She may be pretty quiet tonight.”
Think about your child moving between two homes.
He doesn’t stop feeling something because it’s transition day.
He doesn’t leave his fear at Dad’s house when he goes to Mom’s.
He doesn’t leave his disappointment at Mom’s when he goes to Dad’s.
Parenting Essential Reads
Children carry their experiences with them.
When co-parents communicate easily, they often share this kind of information naturally. When they barely speak, they may share only what is specifically required: pickup times, school schedules, medical appointments.
Everything else stays behind an invisible wall.
The problem is that the child walks straight through that wall.
That’s what your son did. He left Dad’s house frightened about Grandpa and arrived at your house with exactly the same fear. The information didn’t make the transition with him, so you had no context for what he was carrying.
There’s another important part of this.
Sometimes sharing information does more than prepare the other parent to support the child. It gives that parent context for what the co-parent may be experiencing as well.
Dad’s father has cancer.
Dad may be frightened. He may be grieving before his father has even died. He may be exhausted from caregiving while trying to parent his son. His patience may be shorter. His routine may change.
Mom doesn’t have to become Dad’s emotional caretaker. But knowing what Dad is going through gives her context. There may be a time when Dad asks to change a weekend because his father has a treatment. Knowing what’s going on allows Mom to respond to those situations with an understanding she couldn’t have if she had no information at all.
And that’s an important distinction. Supporting your child’s other parent does not mean stepping back into your former relationship. It means recognizing that what happens to one parent can sometimes affect your child and, therefore, changes must be made to match the occasion,
This is why I encourage co-parents to think carefully about information sharing.
Key Questions to Decide What to Share
You don’t have to be friends.
You don’t have to discuss your private lives.
You don’t even have to particularly like each other.
But you do have to recognize that you’re parenting the same child.
So, before deciding whether to share something, ask yourself:
“Will knowing this help my child’s other parent understand, care for, or support our child?”
If the answer is yes, that’s probably information worth sharing.
Remember, whether you’re parallel parenting or co-parenting, sharing information isn’t about giving your ex access to your life. Sharing information is about giving your children the love and support they need to comfortably live in both homes. Now you are truly “putting the children first.”
