Therapist training spends a lot of time talking about the importance of building rapport with clients. But rapport isn’t just for therapists: good salespeople and businesspeople, even dating sites, talk about the same skills. Rapport means building a solid relationship with someone new by helping them feel at ease and, through verbal and nonverbal cues, creating first impressions that foster connection rather than distance.
Here are seven therapist-textbook tips to add to your rapport-building repertoire:
1. Actively listen.
“They talk, you listen” means giving the other person your full attention and space to say what they want to say, without turning into a head-nodding inert blob or filling verbal gaps with information about your latest me-too experience.
But they often need more space than you initially think. If time is a factor—a therapist’s dilemma—feel free to interrupt them with your concerns: “I’m sorry to cut you off, but I’m getting confused about the point of your story”; “I’m sorry, but we’re running out of time, and I need to leave in ten minutes.” Establish boundaries. If it’s a friend or family member and you’re not rushed for time, look for when they are verbally and emotionally slowing down, coming up for air. When they are, step in with your comments and questions.
2. Match their emotion and language.
If the other person seems depressed, don’t try to counter it with high energy. If they are high-energy, don’t kill it by being an emotional lead weight. Match their mood; be sensitive to their tone and language. If they are quiet, be quiet; if loud, be loud. If they use curse words, you have permission to use some of your own; if not, do not.
Finally, if you want to take your skills to the next level, try to match their processing system. People think either visually (by forming pictures in their heads), auditorily (by hearing a voice talking to them), or by being aware of their feelings—their gut reaction. You can tell which system they use by the words they use: Visual people say, “I see” or “I imagine”; auditory people say, “It sounds like” or “What I hear you saying is…”; feeling people say, “I feel” or “That does feel right.” Talk back in their language.
3. Match their body position.
Just as you match other people’s emotion and language, you can also match their body position: if they sit up straight, slouch, or cross their legs, mirror them. Subtle but effective.
4. Build on similarities.
People instinctively like those who seem more like them. If someone mentions they were in the Army and you were too, mention it in one sentence. Ditto if they live in California, have three kids, or work remotely.
5. Deliver the best possible response.
Listen to how the other person describes their relationships. For example, they might mention that their boss is always critical or that their partner can be dismissive. What they say tells you not only what they are particularly sensitive to, but also what you want to avoid triggering so they feel at ease; be that un-boss or un-partner who isn’t critical or dismissive. You’re shaping the emotional climate of the conversation so it ends on a better note than it began.
6. Anticipate their expectations.
Patients expect a doctor to show up in a white lab coat or to be gray-haired and experienced. If instead she is a 28-year-old resident wearing purple sweats, the patient may dismiss whatever the doctor says next. Like it or not, people arrive with expectations.
The point is to take a moment to anticipate the other person’s expectations. This is partly about dress, partly about presenting yourself with confidence, and partly about mitigating any initial negative impressions. If, for example, you look younger than you suspect the other person might expect, not only dress up but also talk about your expertise; if you look older than expected, talk about your experience and the wisdom you’ve acquired. Consider possible reactions and have a response ready.
7. Track the process.
If the conversation goes off track—the other person suddenly shuts down, pulls away emotionally, or seems irritated or angry—the topic is no longer on the table. The problem is now their emotion and the relationship. You need to focus on both. You say, “You seem upset,” or “It sounds like you don’t agree.” Talk about the problem in the room; avoid defending your comment and shift to active listening.
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Create a safe experience
Beyond these tools and techniques, the goal in building rapport is to help the other person reduce any stranger anxiety and feel safe. Use the techniques, but ultimately focus on creating a positive climate: What do you want them to think about you? How do you want them to feel when they leave?
