This is Part 3 of a series on loved ones in health decline. Read Part 1 and Part 2 here.
The adage “You can’t pour from an empty cup” seems trite and overused. However, when it comes to caregiver burnout, it has never been truer. If you have a loved one (including a family member or friend) in severe health decline, you know the feeling of burnout. While you may feel physical exhaustion, it’s often the emotional exhaustion that becomes overwhelming. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself during this very trying time in your life. It’s merely being true to yourself. In fact, taking care of yourself also includes surrendering control of the situation at times. Yet many in this position feel that self-care is not allowed and is even self-centered. Nothing could be further from the truth. But if you still feel that way, remind yourself that you cannot take care of your loved one if you are completely exhausted and burned out.
Compassion Fatigue When Caring for a Loved One
Compassion fatigue, most often associated with the helping professions (such as counselors and nurses), means taking on the emotional burden of others in poor health to the point where it’s detrimental to self. Setting emotional and physical boundaries is essential in these professions, and this entails maintaining a delicate balance of empathy and emotional self-care.
When you’re caring for a loved one in severe health decline, compassion fatigue may be even more complicated. Because of the familial bond (or friendship bond) between yourself and the ill loved one, it’s much more challenging, and in some cases not realistic, to merely go home and forget about the loved one or family member. Indeed, the family member may even be living with the caregiver.
Whether or not you live with the declining loved one, though, the emotional tie still exists, and it remains with you even when you’re away from the loved one. Thus, burnout is even more of a possibility. There needs to be a team of caregivers, and self-care is essential.
Putting on Your Own Oxygen Mask First
Because of the emotional nature of caregiving for a loved one, self-care is your oxygen. Just as when a plane rapidly loses altitude, you need to put on your own oxygen mask first. Only then can you place a mask on your loved one and help them.
Self-Care Tips
You know yourself better than anyone else, so you probably know the best forms of your own self-care. However, there may be a few essential self-care tips that you haven’t considered. One of the most important go-to tips for self-care may be crying. Crying is an important release when a burden feels overwhelming, like there’s nowhere for the pain and emotional weight to go. There may even be physiological reasons for improved mood from this self-soothing activity. Crying is a healthy release for a mash-up of complex emotions you may be feeling, such as grief, resentment, guilt, and mixed feelings regarding the loved one’s decline.
Next up on the self-care list is journaling or free-form writing to express your feelings. Journaling can also help with the necessary emotional processing, including releasing the pain through crying. There may be feelings that you don’t feel comfortable expressing to others, and journaling is extremely helpful in releasing and processing these emotions.
Reach Out!
Leaning on trusted loved ones is essential for support when caregiving. They don’t need to have all the answers. In fact, it’s often best if they merely provide a supportive shoulder on which to lean (or a hug) rather than giving advice.
Of course, getting support and help from a qualified therapist or counselor can be an important step for many to navigate this situation and process the feelings. Individual counseling to process complex feelings, as well as group counseling and/or self-help groups, will help you to accept and normalize the many complex emotions you may be experiencing.
Avoiding Burnout: It Takes a Village
Remember you are not in this alone, in taking care of your loved one and in taking care of yourself. It takes a community, a village. Reach out to other trusted loved ones, a support group, and/or a counselor to help in your own vital self-care.
I cannot stress this enough: Do not burn yourself out! Caregiver burnout is quite real and can have serious physical and/or emotional well-being consequences when it is not addressed. Whether it involves emotional caretaking, physical caretaking, or both, keep in mind that caretaking is a marathon and not a sprint. Spread the burden and responsibility of care onto a community of helpers—a caregiving team—and get a professional paid caregiver to help whenever possible.
For the Mind, Body, and Spirit
Physical release can also be especially helpful for the caregiver. The self-healing practices of physical exercise and getting out in nature can calm the body and provide a sense of peace.
A calming and relaxing practice such as yoga, deep breathing, sound healing, or meditation may be just what you need at this challenging time in your life, and you may find that it soothes your soul. It may calm the “monkey mind” of thoughts zooming through your head and provide a much-needed oasis of peace and rest.
Caregiving Essential Reads
The Role of Spiritual Beliefs
Many people find that their spiritual or religious beliefs help them in traveling this journey. Believing in a power greater than ourselves may provide comfort for a situation in which we may struggle to find meaning.
Releasing the Burden (Even Temporarily) and Staying Engaged in Life
Stay engaged in your life. Feelings of overwhelm may make it feel safer to isolate. While alone time and emotional processing time are vital during this process, staying engaged in one’s life can also provide essential feelings of normalcy and stability. Getting out of the house, going for a walk in nature, or even going to a quiet café may provide the sense of normalcy and peace that are essential to soothing an overwhelmed caregiving soul.
Remember: Put on your oxygen mask first so you can help others!
