We all naturally strive to engage in specific behaviors that strengthen our loving connections and avoid obvious ones that weaken them. However, we may be surprised to discover that some seemingly harmless habits can wreak havoc on our relationship and romantic partner.
Do any of the following situations resonate with you?
You just finished a long, tough day in the office dealing with a difficult client and an unreasonable boss. It took almost every ounce of energy to keep from losing your cool and blowing up. However, the moment you walk in the door, you let it all hang out in front of your spouse. You give an exhaustive account of what transpired at the office and emote nonstop.
Or maybe you are someone who just can’t help seeing all that’s wrong with the world. Your cynical outlook not only prevents you from noticing the good but also leads you to seek out the bad to support your pessimistic worldview: you watch polarizing programs, scour the tabloids for sensational headlines, and obsessively scroll through your newsfeeds daily. And then you regularly report to your partner all the negative news you just consumed.
Unlike in the first two scenarios, perhaps you aren’t actively negative, but rather indirectly so through your passive behavior toward your partner. For example, your spouse walks into the room and excitedly shares her good news with you. You automatically respond with a flat, “That’s nice, honey,” while never taking your eyes off the task at hand. You don’t actively engage and give her the full attention that she deserves.
If any of these anecdotes resonate with you, you’re not alone. In fact, in the romance and research workshops we have given throughout the world, we have found these are common experiences that ring true for thousands of couples everywhere.
Venting, pessimism, and passivity are three common habits that can ruin your relationship.
While you may think you’re simply getting things off your chest when you’re emoting, you may be doing much more than that since—as we’ve written here and here—emotions are contagious. Venting isn’t a neutral activity. Spreading negativity can create a toxic environment. It can take an emotional toll on your partner and put a strain on your relationship.
Additionally, your pessimistic beliefs about the world can also lead you to feel less satisfied with your partner and your relationship.
In fact, in a recent daily study of 159 romantic couples, published in the latest issue of The Journal of Positive Psychology, participants reported feeling more satisfied with their relationships on days when they or their partner had more positive, rather than negative, beliefs about the world. These findings demonstrate how our fluctuating moods and worldviews aren’t neutral but rather can color our relationships.
Finally, a variety of studies have found that being passive and transactional with our partner, whether intentional or not, can weaken our bonds.
Don’t let negativity and neglect ruin your relationship. Instead of falling prey to venting, pessimism, and passivity, practice the following three positive habits to help strengthen your loving connections:
1. Express your emotions calmly. Remember that all emotions are valid. Channel feelings like frustration to figure out how to do things differently. Refrain from “letting it all out.”
Remember that all emotions are contagious. Consider the consequences of unleashing your emotions every time you experience them. Rather, be selective with your feelings. When expressing negativity, do so in a calm and direct way in the right context.
2. Hunt the good. While there are certainly things to be concerned about in the world, simply stewing over them isn’t healthy. And merely dwelling on problems will cloud our view of seeing the good that simultaneously exists.
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Instead, remember to notice and savor the good. Practice the “Three Good Things” exercise, where each evening, you write down three good things that happened to you that day. A powerful intervention that helps shift our attention to the positive, this exercise is associated with enduring well-being effects. In time, you too may notice a more positive view of yourself, your relationship, and even the world.
3. Turn towards your partner. Renowned marriage researchers John and Julie Gottman emphasize the importance of turning towards your partner to help build a stronger connection. One way to do so is by actively celebrating your partner’s good news when they share it with you, rather than passively acknowledging it. Something psychologist Shelly Gable calls “active constructive responding,” where you are engaged and help them bask in their joy. She found that how people respond to their partner’s good news can have a positive or negative impact on their relationship.
The best kinds of responses are positive and interactional. In contrast, a passive response like “That’s nice, honey,” can be as damaging to a relationship as a response that directly disparages their good news.
In sum, be aware of the harmful habits of venting, pessimism, and passivity that you may be unconsciously engaging in on a regular basis in your romantic relationship.
Replace them with healthier ones of being more mindful, optimistic, and interactional. By practicing these positive behaviors with your partner, you will likely build a more satisfying and sustainable connection over time.
