“Of course, we argue like any other couple.”
I have to admit I wince every time I hear someone say that or some equivalent—the notion that arguing is a normal part of an intimate relationship. Granted, I’ve met couples who, on the other end of the continuum, say they never argue, but often I’m suspicious of them as well. They frequently fear strong emotions and use distance to avoid conflict—problems are swept under the rug; they live parallel lives, and their relationship lacks true intimacy.
But do you have to argue? “No,” I’m thinking and often saying, “you don’t have to argue.” Arguments are byproducts of other problems.
Here are six common sources of conflict:
#1: Stress
This is what I call the perfect-storm argument. Everyone has had a hard day, is irritable and in a bad mood, and it doesn’t take much to set off an angry flare. This is where couples usually say we argue about nothing, or can’t remember what it was about, because it was all about discharging stress.
#2: Failing to address longstanding problems
Stress arguments resemble thunderstorms that arise under the right conditions; they flare up and disappear just as quickly. In contrast, these conflicts involve a continual clash with no resolution—money, parenting, and sex are the main culprits. There’s a sense of power struggle to it all, like a blinking contest where each party feels the need to win.
#3: Imbalance in the relationship
While the unresolved problems are specific, the imbalance impacts the overall foundation of the relationship. One partner often feels like a martyr, always doing the heavy lifting, while the other appears passive and unhelpful. Or, one feels like a victim, always being attacked or blamed. Both are feeling resentful, and the resentment builds periodically and bubbles to the surface.
#4: Past resentments
Your partner had an affair years ago, or you endured years of substance abuse. While this is all in the past, it occasionally resurfaces, triggered by something in the present. The arguments are about the past; the other feels sidewinded. It is about old, unhealed emotional wounds.
#5: Pushing buttons—Emotional wounds
We all have old wounds from our childhood that we continue to be particularly sensitive to. The most common ones are criticism, micromanaging, feeling dismissed or unheard, feeling neglected, and feeling unappreciated. These are our Achilles’ heels, which people often call “pushing my buttons.” When these buttons get pushed, arguments flare.
#6: Trouble regulating emotions
While the other causes focus on patterns in the relationship, this one centers on you. If you have a short temper and are predisposed to a fight response, it usually doesn’t take much for a difficult conversation to escalate.
Argument first aid
Before we talk about argument prevention, we need to talk about argument first aid—turning down the temperature of the argument before it gets out of hand and causes damage. There are two steps:
#1: Put the brakes on. The key here is recognizing when the argument is getting too heated and going nowhere. Some couples call a time-out or use a signal word, such as “pineapple,” to let each other know they need to stop.
#2: Apologize. Apologies are not about saying you were wrong but acknowledging that you hurt the other’s feelings. It signifies responsibility and empathy.
But how do we prevent arguments? Five antidotes:
#1. Broadcast your emotions
This is a mainstay from John Gottman’s research: Proactively let the other person know your emotional state. If you’ve had a hard day at work, text your partner on the way home that you’re irritated and need to chill for half an hour, rather than coming home and yelling about the kid’s toys strewn across the living room.
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#2: Learn to regulate your emotions.
This is about skill, not personality. If you have a fight response or just easily flare, make a concerted effort to learn how to regulate your emotions. It may be meditation, medication, therapy, or online support groups. This is about you, not the other person. Learning it now will help you run your life better.
#3: Resolve the past.
If there are lingering resentments or emotional wounds that continue to periodically trigger you, find a way to put them to rest. It may be as simple as journaling, writing down what you’ve been holding in, or having a deeper conversation with your partner about the past. Also consider EMDR or talking with a mental health professional.
#4: Let the other know your triggers.
If you are particularly sensitive to say, criticism or feeling unappreciated, make this clear. Ideally, this is not about one person walking on eggshells and biting their tongue, but rather about each understanding what the other is sensitive to and agreeing to help them heal by minimizing the triggers to their wound.
#5: Resolve longstanding problems.
Get them off your plate, stop sweeping them under the rug. The key here is to move toward win-win compromises, rather than giving in or continuing the power struggle. If you want to get your way or be right, live alone. But if you want to be in a relationship, learn the art of compromise where each feels heard and gets some of what they need.
Again, the theme here is that the key to avoiding arguments is a matter of intentions and skills: not to assume that arguments are an inevitable part of relationships, but rather to recognize them as unnecessary outcomes of other issues that can be addressed by changing behavior and proactively resolving them.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
