Couples often struggle when one, or even both, blames the other for their interpersonal problems. Dodging responsibility can sound like, “You were supposed to know,” or “Why should I have to tell you?” Often, we carry in us scripts for how relationships ought to work and expect our partner to implicitly agree. In couples therapy, a partner may say something like, “Well, isn’t it obvious?” And the response, from the other partner, may be something along the lines of, “Obvious to whom?”
Perfectionists, in particular, struggle with rigid thinking, believing strongly in right/wrong and “common sense.” Specifically, they may struggle with cognitive empathy, understanding why someone else may make a completely different decision in some scenario. They tend to believe that what’s right is important and should matter to everyone. Unfortunately, the world seldom agrees.
This individual is a paradox: On the one hand, they’re highly conscientious, preoccupied with rectitude, and, on the other, unwilling to deviate from their fixation on being good to acknowledge how they really influence others. Doing the right thing implies being a good person, and being a good person means never harming others. Thus, when in treatment with their partner, their world is often shattered.
To take responsibility, the perfectionist needs to address the shame awaiting them. Why they believe they need to be perfect should be answered before or in conjunction with the question of why they demand perfection from their partner. As perfectionists struggle with black-and-white thinking, they tend to conceive of accountability as solely linked with intention. So, if I intend to harm you, then you should be upset with me, but if my intention is good, then I’m fundamentally blameless.
But, the right choice is, of course, based on their singular version of morality, the key word being “their.” I often ask my patients, “Is being right the same as being important?” This can set off a chain reaction. First, they may get defensive, choosing, as they habitually do, to defend their ideals without seriously considering how often those principles harm others. Then, they may turn it over to me, asking, rhetorically of course, “Well, isn’t the truth important?” Finally, they may acknowledge that how one utilizes the so-called truth is just as meaningful as the truth itself, meaning that using it to bludgeon your loved one will make you, and your truth, less important to them.
And perfectionists not only struggle with tact; they also struggle with acknowledging how they fail to live up to their own standards. So, for example, a partner who may demand a clean home may fail to recognize or note how often they avoid completing their chores. Or, they may deny sending mixed signals, for example, asking for space while, simultaneously, texting their partner, which gives the impression that communication should solely be on their terms, based on their whims.
Perfectionists often struggle to accept their own irrationality, which includes their deep-seated fear of intimacy. So, instead of saying “I’m afraid to be hurt,” they may say, “My partner doesn’t honor my boundaries,” which can, of course, be true to some extent.
Some of us immediately and chronically search for reasons to end a relationship, a significant problem for partners of perfectionists. When the philosopher David Hume wrote that reason was a slave to passion, he meant that decision-making serves our desires, but we can expand his aphorism to also mean that our arguments easily serve our preferences. So, for example, a perfectionist may discount the many ways in which their partner contributes to the relationship in order to build up a case for ending it. Or, the perfectionist without a coherent sense of what they’re seeking in a partner may continually create reasons to reject potential love interests, which, once perceived on the whole, may form an inconsistent image.
All of us bring our own histories, perspectives, and flaws (I know that’s hard to accept, perfectionist) to our relationships. This means that even if we’re “right,” we may, at the same time, be wrong, or at least insignificant. Perfectionists, in couples therapy, often learn when to minimize trivialities and how to discuss bigger picture issues, accepting that while they may be sure that truth is on their side, few of us possess highly reliable memories.
Additionally, they may begin to assess the significance of emotional validation. “Sometimes, the truth hurts too much,” meaning that it may not always be prudent to share. Instead, understanding, at least initially, the other’s perspective and how they arrived there, along with noting why it makes sense given some particular context, may be more helpful. I often tell my perfectionistic clients that while bluntness has its place, I would lose my patients if I just shoved my “truths” in their faces. If they’re honest with themselves, they may even agree that they wouldn’t want someone else to do that to them.
Perfectionism Essential Reads
Unfortunately, couples find themselves too frequently in competition for invisible prizes, using underhanded, yet often unconscious, methods to undermine their partners and only feeling secure when they believe they’ve won. Perfectionists are masters of this art. So, at bottom, at some point, each has to decide on the significance of their ideals and if, at least sometimes, they should be cast aside to save what exists in the real world. Ideals, as I hope is now obvious, are often impure anyway.
