I’ll admit it. I’ve always been an introvert—a card-carrying, dyed-in-the-wool introvert. A “don’t mess with me, I need my alone time” introvert. Maybe some of you can relate.
Lately, I’ve started noticing the importance of friendship in my life. This comes at an unheard-of time of change, disruption, and societal trauma. While it may not be surprising that I’m personally feeling the importance of a few close, deep friends (‘heart friends’), it spurred me into thinking about how others are faring at this time and how close, bonded friendships may help us. In fact, friendships are positively correlated with emotional well-being, which we all could use more of right now.
How are you holding up right now? For most of us, this is a loaded question. Many of us have recently found ourselves on a giant ship that felt like it is perilously close to sinking, heading toward a hurricane. How do we navigate the rough and scary waters, seemingly filled with sharks and serpents, and waves that threaten to swallow you whole? Do we journey alone, or can we find refuge in close relationships and friendships? If there were ever a time to seek refuge in close, trustworthy relationships, it is certainly now.
Your Inner Compass
Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and listen to your inner compass. Now open them. In your mind’s eye, what do you see? Do you see a life raft of close friends or, instead, acquaintances that drifted off in another direction? Did any of the crew jump aboard another ship, or did they drop anchor near you, patiently waiting for you to board? Look around, and you will probably find a life raft of a select few trusted crew members ready to journey together through the storm.
Humans are inherently social beings, whether we like to admit it or not. From time immemorial, people have banded together in tribes, villages, cities, and groups. But what distinguishes these groups from deep, heart-felt friendships—a sisterhood for those of the female persuasion—is the depth of the connection. We have families of origin, families formed as adults, and perhaps you have been fortunate enough to find a close adult relationship with a relative. However, many of us have found our truly deep friendships through some unknown force—the universe felt it important to intervene and put you together with a soulmate or soul friend, sometimes against all odds. This soul friend is someone who truly ‘gets’ you and someone with whom you will likely have a lifelong friendship.
Why are these deep friendship relationships so important for us? Truly deep connections with a friend or friends—a “heart connection”—can carry us through the toughest and most painful times in our lives. They can help us to feel understood, supported, and comforted, and they are important for our continued well-being. Some of us may also be fortunate enough to marry someone with this level of emotional connection, our best friend.
Let’s face it, this life is hard. It’s painful and scary at times. When life gets excruciating, these are the times we need to band together the most with our “soul crew”—those supportive and caring few who will stand with us no matter what.
Rejection Sensitivity
Many of us have hesitated when it comes to pursuing strong friendships, due to past trauma and other issues, sometimes called “rejection sensitivity”. We may fear that leaping into the small boat with another would leave us drowning alone in rough waters. Will our crewmate abandon ship or stay the course with us through the stormy seas? You may fear that one giant wave may prove too much for the relationship, capsizing the boat. When our past traumas rear their heads in our relationships—whether we are triggered or just fearful—our goal can be recognizing and acknowledging the emotion, fear, or trigger. Perhaps seeking the assistance of a counselor or journaling at that point may help to work through it.
One person alone in a life raft is a risky venture; it takes several crew members to power the boat. One member may be better with a telescoping lens, watching the horizon for growing storms, while another mariner may be especially adept at quietly balancing the craft, knowing when to gently lean to one side or another to steer the vessel. Still another seafarer may be the steady power behind the oars, knowing just when to grab the oars from arms weakened and weary. When winds howl, waves crash, and you cling to the guardrails for dear life, these trusted few will be the ones who gently but firmly extend a sturdy hand with which to grasp. This is the beauty of the crew; they know just when to take up the slack and glide the vessel gently home.
The Friendship Continuum
While having a large circle of friends can be helpful, it is especially important to have a few tight friendships, with close friendships even linked to greater happiness. Relationship levels can be viewed as existing on a continuum from surface-level acquaintances or friends (your “auxiliary crew”) to deep-level friendships and strong connections (your “core crew”). Auxiliary crew members may come and go with the tide’s ebb and flow. Your core crew friendships, though, are built to last.
Perhaps you may connect with one friend on a particular range of topics and with another pal on an entirely different topic range. The important aspect is the feeling that this friendship is a shelter in life’s storms, a safe haven from turmoil—a life raft, if you will.
Of course, no friendship or relationship is perfect. Winds rise up, creating waves that rock and sway the ship. Tiny punctures in the vessel may occasionally open up along the ride, but you and your close shipmate can patch them up together with communication, patience, and understanding. A true and deep friendship can weather the storms. When we share the boat with the right, trustworthy person, the vessel not only floats but also glides and rides the waves almost effortlessly, navigating rough waters and leading us safely to shore.
You may row for a while and become exhausted; rest your rubbery arms and weary heart for a while and catch your breath while your crewmate takes a turn at the oars. At times, you will row together, rowing in sync, a perfect harmony of gentle movements.
Perhaps it’s time to band together, casting your life raft into the water with those trusted souls. Lean into the wind together and lean on each other. Find that safety and respite from the storm.
Keep checking in with your inner compass for your soul crew; it will never steer you off course.
