Source: Element5 Digital/Unsplash
The holidays are often bittersweet: a time of gratitude, joy, and connectedness but also a time for memories of those who have passed, and of traditions lost. Many experience the bittersweetness of the winter holidays but for some, it’s more bitter than sweet. It can be hard to be grateful during a time that’s more sadness than joy and less connection than isolation.
Despite losing my mother more than 15 years ago, I still struggle with holidays. For many years, it was difficult for me to celebrate some of my mother’s favorite holidays and most cherished times with her family. I missed (and still miss) my mom’s joy for the holidays even during rough patches.
However, there are a few things that I’ve learned that can inspire the joy and enthusiasm my mother had for the holidays.
- Find ways to honor the one you’re grieving. One of the trickier parts of loss is knowing how much to let go and how much to hold on to. There is a delicate balance between holding onto memories and not allowing yourself to live a life without the person and shoving the grief and memories down to avoid the pain. I found that putting special time aside to remember my mom and her antics during Christmas while I was decorating my tree was important for managing this difficult time of year. Every year, I put my mother’s favorite ornaments on last. They are delicate glass which I spend the time carefully unwrapping from tissue paper and putting on the tree. These take longer than all the other ornaments combined because I spend this time holding each one and recalling my favorite memories of her. They were the same ornaments, but I found new meaning in putting up each one. In your own life, find small ways you can honor your loved one. It does not have to be flashy, extensive, or costly, but it should feel like a connection between you and them.
- Continue old traditions. It can be hard to want to do things that your loved ones enjoyed without them but continuing with those traditions can help maintain some normalcy in the face of changes. When I first began celebrating Christmas alone, I was in graduate school, away from my family, and living alone except for a cat or two. I told myself that decorating and baking cookies would be something I would have done with my mom, so why not give it a go? While doing it, I almost heard my mom telling me I was getting sprinkles on the floor again. It hurt, but I smiled genuinely for the first time in many Christmases.
- Create meaningful traditions. As I held onto memories by honoring my mother’s favorite ornaments, I moved forward by incorporating my own traditions. I love cats and always have. With the holidays, I created a tradition of including my cats by getting them small stockings with the letter of the name stitched on them and then filling each with their favorite toys. During Christmas and Thanksgiving, I make Cornish hens for me, my cats, and the feral cats outdoors that frequent the food bowls outside my home. Try to find a new tradition or traditions to reintroduce joy into your holidays. Sometimes it’s as simple as something you already do; in my case, spoiling my cats and feeding the cats outdoors.
Having a joyous holiday may not seem possible when you are grieving but finding small moments is, even if only for a few seconds. It’s the small steps that move us toward healing just as much as the big changes. With every holiday season, I strive to find more moments of joy in my mother’s absence and hope you will find yours as well.
