In our current world, the question isn’t whether a child will get a cell phone. It is instead when to get one and how to support the healthy use of such a powerful device. Despite the prevalence of cell phones in the lives of families, we have yet to hear a caregiver say, “My children aren’t on their screens enough.” This edited excerpt from our book, Working with Parents in Child Psychotherapy, is focused on helping parents guide their children in cell phone use.
In the early days of our psychology careers, before the advent of smartphones, parents used to ask us if they should put a television in their child’s room. Our answer was typically no, because having their own TV would interfere with the child’s sleep and be more isolating than watching a show in a common family area. Now nearly every child, by virtue of having a phone, tablet, or laptop, can have a TV in their room, and caregivers don’t even ask this question anymore!
In thinking about how to adopt healthy phone practices, we suggest considering carefully some of the common issues that arise:
1. Caregivers have often promised that a child will receive a phone at a certain time point. Most children want a personal device. That said, rather than setting that specific time in advance, we suggest that the parents consider when it would be a benefit for this child to attain a phone. The general sensibility is to get a device around middle school, either at the start of sixth grade or in eighth grade when one is graduating and approaching high school. We argue that readiness should not be based on a given age but instead on individual considerations such as maturity, ability to care for expensive items, management of other screen time, including stopping when asked, and interest and ability in being engaged in other nonscreen activities. The following questions can also help you consider the timing of getting a child their own phone:
- What will the child do on their phone?
- Can the child achieve what they wish or need on a shared family device?
- Will the phone help caregivers stay in touch with or track their child when they are engaged in independent activities?
- What is the likely impact of having a phone on the child’s friendships? For example, will it enable friendships if friends are already primarily communicating by text or other social media? Or will it impede friendships if the child finds the phone more attractive than interacting with friends?
- Is the child likely to become distressed by content on their phone?
2. Parents should develop clear expectations for phone use ahead of time. When giving a child a phone, start with more rules and then, over time, let them have more freedom rather than vice versa. Rules can include charging the phone in the caregivers’ room or in a neutral location at a specific time each night. Another useful expectation involves requiring that caregivers have the passwords to access the child’s accounts. The American Academy of Pediatrics (2021) offers a guide to creating a family media plan, which helps the family come to shared agreements about device use. Rules can be reevaluated based on issues such as how the rules are working given the child’s developmental level, social context, and family situation.
3. Develop expectations for phone-free time. What is lost by having a phone? What are the effects on sleeping, hobbies, and family interactions? Spending time in bed with a phone at night can have detrimental effects on children’s sleep, as can waking up extra early to engage in device use. Non-device-related activities and hobbies should continue, rather than being traded in for game time on a phone. In general, parents can model the ability to stop using a device, especially during mealtimes. Many parents, for example, are sometimes unable to charge their phones outside their room or take a break from their own screens to interact with their children.
4. Avoid the overuse of phone removal as a penalty, especially for behaviors unrelated to phone use. For some families, minimizing the conflict around how much screen time children are allowed may include reducing the use of phone removal as the go-to punishment. These types of penalties only make phone use more desirable. It has been amazing to see the number of hacks kids have come up with to avoid penalties around losing access to devices and apps. However, if the reason parents want to remove the phone is due to misbehavior related to its use, reducing, removing, or altering access may be justified.
5. Once you get your children phones, pay attention to what they are doing on them. Be familiar with the shows, games, and people children engage with on their phones. We recommend erring on the side of limiting access to content, especially when it is not age-appropriate, especially for anxious or depressed children.
Getting a child their first phone is often a rite of passage in many families. Be sure to plan ahead and think carefully to make it a positive decision.
