Sibling estrangement is not just about not talking to your brother or sister. It has much broader ramifications, as sibling rejection can profoundly shape an individual’s personality and their roles in the family.
The estranged may lose the opportunity to be a sibling, in-law, aunt or uncle, and even son or daughter, as estrangement often metastasizes and family members choose sides. These shifting alliances may contribute to greater alienation.
Even worse, sibling estrangement disturbs self-esteem, stamps an individual’s understanding of his or her self, and shapes present-day relationships.
This is not surprising, given that in childhood, brothers and sisters are our first playmates, instilling in one another fundamental social qualities—tolerance, generosity, loyalty—that eventually affect relationships with friends, colleagues, and lovers. Dr. Karen Gail Lewis, author of Sibling Therapy, has identified this concept as “sibling transference”—old childhood feelings toward a sibling resurfacing in adulthood.
“The person may be responding to people in their current life as they did to their siblings way back when,” she writes. “What makes all this so complex is that these behaviors are unconscious; ghosts live within everyone, but they haunt inconsistently.”
Estrangement and Trust
A devastating consequence of sibling estrangement can be the cut-off’s disturbance of the ability to trust, damaging other relationships that the estranged holds dear. Someone who has been rejected by a family member struggles with trust in two ways.
First, as documented by social scientist Kylie Agllias, author of Family Estrangement: A Matter of Perspective, the estranged often limit their friend circle to a few intense relationships and several superficial acquaintances. They often believe that people will not understand their decision, and they fear being judged and excluded for their choice.
To protect themselves from exposure and embarrassment, they engage in defensive posturing and emotional withdrawal. This response prevents the estranged from fully and openly investing in new relationships, ultimately exacerbating feelings of low self-worth.
The traumatic, often prolonged nature of estrangement can burden the few friends whom the estranged maintain. Another study by Agllias found that the estranged often fear that the weight and demands of supporting someone who is cut off from family will contribute to the demise of close friendships. Some avoid the topic to preserve the relationship.
Second, many of the estranged who have experienced rejection struggle to trust. They often feel that if they can’t trust their own sibling to want a relationship, whom can they trust? In a survey I conducted, respondents brought up the issue of trust time and again:
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“I actually find myself trying not to get too close to anybody because of my experience with the family relationships that have gone bad.”
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“I have major trust issues with everyone now. I worry that those I care about will suddenly leave me with no explanation.”
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“I find it difficult to make friends. I have always been afraid of making long-term committed relationships with men because of my estrangement from my two older brothers. I don’t want to repeat the horror of my early life.”
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“When a friend distances themselves from me for good reason (a crisis where they need to be alone), I get triggered and panicked. I feel like I am being taken for granted like my family did.”
Estrangement and Betrayal Trauma
In fact, trust issues are so common in estrangement that psychologist Jennifer Freyd gave the condition a name: betrayal trauma. She defined this concept in 1994 as a trauma perpetrated by someone close to the victim—a parent, partner, or sibling—wherein the victim’s survival or well-being relies on the perpetrator.
Betrayal trauma undermines attachment, ravaging the sense of safety within close relationships. Freyd’s research showed that betrayal trauma can figure in a variety of mental health issues: anxiety, depression, dissociation, memory suppression, post-traumatic stress symptoms, and difficulties in trusting others.
“Betrayal trauma,” Freyd explains, “occurs when the people or institutions on which a person depends for survival violate that person’s trust or well-being.”
Estrangement and People-Pleasing and Fawning
Dr. Lewis confirmed in her concept of sibling transference that relationship dynamics and the development of attachment styles are rooted in early childhood. When the bonds of primary family relationships are disrupted, it can lead to attachment patterns characterized by anxiety, a heightened fear of rejection, and a strong desire for approval from others.
Family Dynamics Essential Reads
One widespread but maladaptive coping mechanism for dealing with the pain of sibling estrangement is people-pleasing or fawning, wherein someone who feels insecure and isolated avoids conflict to gain favor. A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that adults with insecure or anxious attachment styles are more likely to engage in people-pleasing to achieve social acceptance and avoid further rejection. However, research shows that chronic people-pleasing is also associated with increased stress, resentment, and a further erosion of the authentic self. (For more, see ”How Fawning Fosters Distance in Adult Relationships.”)
People-pleasing behaviors may seem innocuous, but they can lead to devastating life choices. Agllias found in a 2014 study that estrangement sometimes led to “developing intense ‘friendships’ with people who took advantage of them financially or sexually. For others, this involved marrying the first person who said, ‘I love you.’ In these cases, the desire for a new chance at love and family were often quashed on the discovery that the spouse was unsuitable, rejecting, or abusive.”
The first step in recovery is to understand how the betrayal trauma of estrangement erodes trust. To move forward, those struggling with betrayal trauma or sibling estrangement might seek professional support, connect with others who share similar experiences, and prioritize their own well-being.
