I get asked a surprising question more often than you’d think—especially by Gen Z guys and teenage boys: “What was it like to grow up in the ’70s and ’80s?”
No internet. No cell phones. No social media. If you wanted to hang out with someone, you called their landline and hoped they picked up. No answer? Too bad. No answering machine? You had to call back later.
We were latchkey kids, raised on Cap’n Crunch and benign neglect. We drank from the garden hose, roamed the neighborhood on our BMX bikes, and somehow survived without sunscreen—just tanning oil, with mercury fillings chasers.
It wasn’t glamorous, but it built something: independence and the belief that no one was coming to save you.
What most strikes the young men I share this with isn’t just how analog it all was—it’s that we had to figure a lot out on our own. There were no participation trophies. There were, however, consequences to your actions. Some of us got spanked. Still others got hit with belts and paddles. This did instill the fear of retribution if we messed up, but it also reinforced that you were responsible for your actions—even if unfair.
I think the question these young men really want to ask but can’t is: How should I be a man today?
It’s a fair question. The old scripts don’t make much sense anymore. And the new ones? Depending on who you ask, they’re either stuck in the ’50s or the manosphere industrial complex, wanting you to buy their rhino horn extract or dominate masculinity mastermind.
Today’s young men face a different world: more connected, yet more isolated. And while there’s plenty of talk about how men should not behave, there’s not a lot of guidance on what to do instead.
That ends today.
What It Means to Be a Man Today, and 5 Tools to Achieve It
Let me start with this: Being a man today isn’t about domination, detachment, or denying your emotions. It’s about connection, contribution, and character.
The tools might have changed. The world has certainly changed. But the need to matter, to yourself and to others, hasn’t.
So how do you build that?
1. Make Male Friends in Real Life
Of course I’m going to start with this one. That’s what this blog is about.
Start by making some real, in-person male friends. Not followers. Not group chat acquaintances. Actual friends who know what you’re going through.
The reason? Male friendship is in freefall.
According to a recent Gallup survey cited by UVA researcher Joseph Allen, one in four young men reported feeling lonely “a lot” the day before—a number likely underestimated, since, as Allen points out, “admitting you’re lonely is a pretty vulnerable thing to do, especially for males.”
Why? Because we’re told not to talk about feelings, since, if we do, we’ll get labeled as weak. Because, as this excellent piece on “mankeeping” argues, many of us have outsourced our emotional needs to women—or worse, to YouTube.
Real friendship takes effort. It’s also risky. But it’s worth it. You need men in your life who see you, support you, and occasionally call you on your bullsh*t.
2. Practice Self-Mastery
You can’t lead, love, or contribute if you’re a mess inside. That’s not judgment. That’s just reality.
Get your body moving. Get your sleep right. Start journaling. Learn to name your emotions instead of burying them.
Self-mastery isn’t about perfection. It’s about knowing your patterns and not letting them run you. It’s also not about domination. The most capable men don’t talk about it; they do what needs to get done.
Want to be respected? Start by respecting yourself first.
3. Get Good at Something
I believe that men are often at their best when they’re building, fixing, creating, or improving. You don’t need to be world-class. But you do need something that’s yours. Not for clout. Not for likes. For the satisfaction that comes from mastery.
Skill-building gives you a sense of momentum—and it helps shape identity, which a lot of young men are missing right now. Half of young adults say they don’t have a clear sense of meaning or direction. Getting good at something—anything—is a great place to start.
4. Earn Your Confidence
Confidence isn’t about being the loudest guy in the room. It’s about knowing you’ve done the work, that you can be counted on, that you’ve failed and recovered. It’s quiet. It’s solid. And it’s sexy.
5. Contribute to Something Bigger
This is the ultimate test: What are you doing with your surplus? Are you showing up for others? Volunteering? Mentoring? Helping out in your community?
Men who contribute live longer, are less depressed, and feel more fulfilled. As psychologist Nafees Alam writes in another Psychology Today piece:
“Purpose-driven men who take responsibility and contribute positively are crucial to families, communities, and the world.”
You don’t need to save the world. But you can hold up your corner of it.
So, How Should I Be a Man Today?
There’s no single answer—no checklist, no guaranteed blueprint. But there are patterns worth repeating and values worth reclaiming.
Be someone who shows up, who does the work. Be a good friend who owns his story—and helps others write theirs.
Being a man today doesn’t mean rejecting masculinity. It means redefining it with clarity, conviction, and care. It means cultivating resilience without isolation, confidence without arrogance, and strength without cruelty. It means making friends you’d call at 2 a.m., building something you’re proud of, and finding a way to give more than you take.
You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be real, useful, and a little bit brave.
And if you’re wondering where to begin—start by being the kind of man you needed when you were younger, or help a boy or young man get better.
