After listening to dozens of my clients describe their dating life and how subsequent relationships actually turned out, I realized something interesting: My clients’ initial impressions of the people they dated were often most accurate during their first date than after they became romantically and sexually involved.
Let me give you an example so you can see what I mean. Carol’s situation was typical.
Carol and Her Dating Journal
Carol is an attractive widow in her 50s who entered therapy with the goal of finding a new partner who would be a better match for her than her late husband. She said she knew she needed therapeutic help because she seemed to always end up with incredibly selfish men.
I knew my late husband had problems right from the beginning. There were some red flags. But I was really tired of being single, and I told myself that he was a good man and we could make it work. The reality is that we were a bad match and should never have married.
My Hypothesis
I believed that Carol was setting the bar for good behavior too low and was overlooking important early evidence that her dates were all too self-centered to be a good partner for her.
Carol’s homework was to write a page of her first impressions about the way the man treated her during their first date. Then, in the next session, we went over together the pros and cons she had observed about trying to form a relationship with this person.
One of the problems we encountered is that no matter what red flags Carol noticed, she often found a way to interpret even the most obviously selfish behavior as a good thing. This led to her actually dating some of the men long enough to realize that she was repeating the same mistakes. Her relationship with Dan was typical.
Dan and the Chinese Food
Carol met Dan through a dating app. He invited her out for dinner at a fancy restaurant and spoke glowingly about the menu. She spent a lot of time and money to be prepared to go somewhere special. She had her hair and nails done and bought a new outfit.
But when Dan showed up at her door, he was wearing jeans and a T-shirt and carrying an armload of takeout Chinese food. Her first reaction was shock and disappointment. She had been looking forward to their evening out.
However, instead of saying anything to Dan about the change, she ignored her real reaction and put a positive spin on the situation and told him: You must be a mind reader. I love Chinese food. Come on in.
Carol was her own worst enemy. Instead of complaining to Dan about the change in plans, she complimented him.
But she did do her homework and wrote up her first impressions and then how the date went. Dan took advantage of being at her apartment and pushed her to have sex, and he did not offer to help her clean up after their impromptu dinner.
In Session
I had Carol read her notes aloud and say what she noticed, paying special attention to any inconsistencies:
- Did her date do what he had said?
- Did he explain anything about why he had changed the plan without checking first?
- Was what she said and did on the date consistent with her real first impression?
- Did she betray herself by not saying anything about her real feelings about how he was treating her?
Carol realized that she had felt as if she had no choice but to be agreeable, even though, given her goals, that did not benefit her in any way.
To my surprise, despite Dan’s obvious selfish and boorish behavior, she decided to continue to date him. It ended as badly as all her other relationships.
Change Was Necessary
If Carol wanted a different type of man, she had to be willing to reject men who treated her badly. So, we added that as a new part of her dating assignment: Speak up clearly, but politely if you do not like how you are being treated. I also reminded her of what I consider to be the wisest and most efficient course of action based on her goals: If you do not like how he treats you on the first date, you should not continue dating him. Your first impression is likely to be more honest and useful than your later rationalizations.
Relationships Essential Reads
Instructions
If you are not happy with the people you are dating and you are tired of getting it wrong, you might benefit from trying my method. Carol ended up marrying a man she had liked on their first date.
Of course, you might miss a perfect gem by not giving anyone a second chance to disappoint you, but for many people, this is the lesser of two evils.
This method is not gender specific. If you are male, female, other, straight, gay, or complex, it is basically the same process.
- Start a dating journal.
- Write a page after your first date about your real reactions to your date’s behavior.
- Pay attention to discrepancies between what you thought was offered and what actually occurred.
- Notice your real feelings. If you end up shocked, disappointed, and uncomfortable, this person is probably not going to be a good match for you. It does not matter why.
- If you are not sure what a good relationship might feel like on a first date, I suggest you look for a combination of pleasurable excitement and feeling comfortable.
Red Flags
- You do not feel comfortable with or interested in your date.
- Your date does not seem interested in finding out more about you. The person does not ask any questions about your job, your background, or your hobbies.
- Your date talks only about themself and interrupts you when you bring up something different.
- Your date ignores your stated preferences. For example, he knows you are a vegetarian, and he takes you to a steakhouse.
- Your date pressures you to be more sexual than you wish to be or to engage in sexual acts that you find unappealing.
Summary
It is tempting to want to give people a second chance, even if you had a really bad first date. You may hate being alone and feel desperate for a steady partner. You may have received a lot of dating advice that suggests you are still single because your standards are too high.
However, the opposite can also be true. You may need to raise your standards. A good way to find out the truth is to take notes about your reactions immediately after your first date. Look at what you wrote with an eye out for red flags that suggest that you are going down an old, familiar dating path. And remember: A bad first date rarely leads to a good long-term mate.
