We have all been there. You match with someone new, or maybe you just had a confusing first date.
Immediately, you take a screenshot, open your group chat, and hit send with a caption: “What does this mean?” or “What should I type back?”
It feels like the safe thing to do.
In the high-stakes, noisy world of modern dating, getting a second (or third, or fourth) opinion feels like insurance against heartbreak.
But according to renowned psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel, this habit of “crowdsourcing” your intimacy might actually be the very thing keeping you single.
Perel warns that when we turn dating into a committee decision, we lose touch with the only data point that actually matters: our own intuition.
By outsourcing our decisions to friends, or even AI tools, we are trading authentic connection for a false sense of safety.
Here is why Esther Perel suggests it is time to mute the group chat and tune back into yourself.
The Danger of Outsourcing Your Feelings
It is natural to want support.
However, Perel explains that there is a massive difference between venting to friends and asking them to run your love life.
When you ask a “committee” to draft your text messages or analyze a date’s behavior, you are removing yourself from the process.
Perel points out that friends act as a “noisy chorus.” They mean well, but they cannot feel what you feel.
Why this blocks real connection:
- You Kill Your “Internal Locus of Control”: As Perel famously notes, you cannot outsource the simple act of lying in bed with someone. Only you know the chemistry, the vibe, and the nuance. When you let others dictate your moves, you stop trusting your own gut.
- You Create a “Frankenstein” Persona: If your friends write your jokes and your bio, who is your date actually falling for? You end up presenting a polished mask rather than your vulnerable self.
- Context is Lost: You might share a screenshot, but your friends didn’t see the way your date looked at you, or the nervous pause before they spoke. They are judging a snippet of data, not the human being.
Expert Insight: Esther Perel emphasizes that true intimacy requires risk. When you crowdsource, you are trying to eliminate risk, but you inadvertently eliminate the possibility of deep connection, too.
The “List Myth”: Are You Dating a Person or a Product?
Another side effect of crowdsourcing, according to Perel, is that it fuels “relation shopping.”
We treat potential partners like products on a shelf. We break them down into specs: height, job, income, and hobbies.
When we present these “specs” to our friends for approval, we fall into the “List Myth.”
Perel suggests we are focusing on the wrong things:
- Checking Boxes vs. Feeling Aliveness: We look for someone who looks good on paper (or to our friends) rather than someone who makes us feel alive.
- Rigid Standards: Crowdsourcing encourages perfectionism. Friends will often point out “red flags” that are actually just human flaws, encouraging you to swipe left on a perfectly good match because they didn’t meet an impossible standard.
Instead of asking your friends, “Do they check all the boxes?” Perel advises you to ask yourself: “Which side of me does this person bring out?”
Why We Do It: The Anxiety of Choice
If crowdsourcing is so bad for us, why do we do it?
Perel attributes this to the Paradox of Choice.
Modern dating apps present us with thousands of options.
This abundance doesn’t make us happier; it makes us anxious. We are terrified that if we choose one person, we might miss out on someone “better” just a swipe away.
- Decision Fatigue: We are so exhausted by making choices that we want someone else to make them for us.
- Fear of Ghosting: Because accountability is low online (and ghosting is common), we try to “gamify” the system. We think if we send the perfect text approved by the group, we won’t get rejected.
The Reality Check:
Perel notes that this is a defense mechanism.
We are trying to control the uncontrollable. But love is inherently uncertain.
No amount of advice from friends can guarantee a relationship will work.
How to Use Your “Village” the Right Way
Esther Perel does not suggest you should isolate yourself.
Community is vital.
However, she suggests shifting the role your friends play in your dating life.
Think of them as your support system, not your managers.
Good uses of your “Village”:
- Profile Vetting: Friends can help ensure your profile accurately reflects who you really are, not just what you think people want to see.
- Reality Checks: If you have a habit of chasing unavailable partners, a trusted friend can gently point out that pattern.
- Post-Breakup Support: Friends are there to remind you of your worth when things don’t work out, helping you “neutralize” the sting of rejection.
Bad uses of your “Village”:
- Drafting your text messages.
- Analyzing the timing of a reply (e.g., “They waited 3 hours, so you wait 4”).
- Deciding if you should go on a second date based on a photo.
Conclusion
In a world driven by algorithms and external validation, Esther Perel’s message is a powerful call to return to yourself.
The impulse to ask the group chat is a natural response to anxiety, but it drowns out your inner voice.
The only way to find a relationship that feels real is to show up as your real self—awkwardness, uncertainty, and all.
Stop asking for permission to feel what you feel.
The next time you are confused about a date, put the phone down, close the chat, and sit with your own intuition. You already know the answer.
Next Steps: Reclaiming Your Intuition
Ready to stop outsourcing your love life? Try these three steps this week:
- No Screenshot Rule: For the next week, commit to not sending screenshots of conversations to your friends. If you don’t know what to say, write what feels true, even if it’s imperfect.
- The Post-Date Check-In: After a date, do not text your friends immediately. Spend 30 minutes alone. Journal or think about how your body feels. Are you relaxed? Anxious? Excited? Record your data before letting others influence it.
- Focus on Energy, Not Stats: When talking to friends about a new prospect, ban yourself from listing their job or stats. Only describe how you felt in their presence.
