Parenting is the hardest job I’ve ever had. I say that often to myself and to parents with whom I work. Parenting a child with ADHD, anxiety, autism, learning differences, or other special needs can add another layer of emotional and physical demands. Appointments, therapies, school meetings, evaluations, medications, homework, behavioral challenges, and constant communication with professionals can leave parents feeling like you’re always on and needing to keep track of the next detail or appointment. This can be a perpetual cycle with some moments of respite, but the demand is strong. This often leaves parents feeling overwhelmed, overextended, tired, and just plain old burned-out.
1. The Mental Load Is Real
The invisible and visible mental load is very real. Parents are remembering the big things like therapy schedules, advocating at school, and friendships, while also thinking about and anticipating your child’s potential triggers and how to challenge your child so he or she can continue to make progress. This constant sense of responsibility and anticipating what’s next leads to emotional exhaustion, irritability, difficulty sleeping, and eventually burnout.
There is also the emotional weight of constantly worrying about your child’s future. Parents may find themselves wondering about what’s next and anticipating future obstacles within and outside of their child. When you are constantly anticipating the next challenge or trying to prevent the next crisis, it can become difficult to simply enjoy whatever the current moment may be, and instead sit in a place where you are surveying the past, and thinking about tomorrow, next month, and next year.
2. Your Relationship Can Get Lost in the Process
When so much attention is focused on a child’s needs, the parent relationship often falls down to the last “to-do” item on the list. Daily interactions can become focused on the “business” of raising children and running a household. That leaves little time to connect with each other, maintain intimacy, and have time alone, without the children. Oftentimes, parents function in survival mode and stay there for long periods of time. This becomes a natural place for the marital or parental relationship to sit, but that doesn’t mean it needs to stay there.
Over time, couples may begin to feel more like co-workers managing a household than partners in a relationship. One parent may feel they are carrying more of the mental load, while the other may feel unsure of how to help. Resentment can build, even when both parents love their child and each other very much. Making space for the relationship is not selfish. A strong partnership provides emotional support for both parents and creates a sense of balance and alliance.
3. Burnout Does Not Mean You Are a Bad Parent
Many parents feel guilty when they admit they are exhausted. They may believe that because their child needs them, they should always have more patience, more energy, and more to give. But burnout is not a reflection of how much you love your child. In fact, it often develops because you have been giving so much for so long. Recognizing that you are overwhelmed is not selfish, but rather an important first step in giving yourself continued energy and resources to care for your child.
It is also important to remember that being a good parent does not mean being available every minute of every day. Your child can have needs that are important without those needs always having to be met by you. Learning to ask for help, set boundaries, and tolerate your child being upset with you or upset in general can actually build resilience for your child.
Strategies for Reducing Parent Burnout
Ask for Help and Delegate: Start by looking for ways to share the load rather than simply adding more self-care to your already-full schedule. Self-care can end up feeling like one more thing to schedule, carve out time for, and do. Ask your partner or family members or try to hire help.
Schedule a Small Break For You and Your Relationship: I’m not talking about scheduling a whole day. Schedule a small period of time, such as 30 minutes, to do something where you are walking away from responsibilities and engaging in something mindless. You can sit in silence, read, journal, or whatever calms your nervous system on a regular basis.
You can also do the same for time with your significant other. That is, schedule date nights or a night away. Take a walk together, even if it is in silence.
Set Boundaries: Although the to-do list can seem endless and the timeframes always seem urgent, set boundaries around work, school communication, and caregiving when possible. Have a start and end time for your job, for your care for the house, for sending and responding to emails, etc. It’s OK to stop and it’s OK to not get it all done. Prioritize and put what didn’t get done today on your list for the next day.
Parenting a child with special needs requires incredible energy, patience, and love. Your needs also matter as parents. Taking care of yourself is not selfish and it’s not a luxury, but rather a necessity. If you are coming in with a drained battery, your clarity, strength, and ability to problem-solve may be limited. Charge your battery so that you can take care of your child(ren).
