Dating after divorce can be both scary and exciting. Opening yourself up again after you’ve gone through a painful divorce takes courage and resilience. Many people feel like they revert to an earlier age when they date after divorce. If you’re in your 50s but got married 30 years ago, your body may be 50, but emotionally you may feel you’re in your 20s again. And if it’s been a few decades since you were single, the dating landscape will look very different!
One of the first decisions to make is what kind of dating you want to do. Are you interested in casual sex or a long-term relationship? Do you want to be monogamous, or are you open to dating several people at once?
As a therapist who has worked with hundreds of people navigating divorce, I’ve seen some successful post-divorce dating stories and a few disastrous outcomes.
The seven biggest mistakes I see people make when they are looking for a new, longer-term relationship are:
1. Repeating old patterns
If you date someone who is just like your ex, or reminds you of them, remember that it didn’t work out with your ex for a reason. Pause to reflect on whether your new relationship feels eerily familiar, and if so, whether or not this kind of relationship dynamic is good for you. Just because it feels familiar doesn’t mean it’s healthy.
2. Dating someone who is the polar opposite of your ex
Unless your ex was a serial killer, they probably had some good qualities. They may have been emotionally unavailable, but at least they were loyal and steady. Maybe they betrayed you, but you still appreciated their intelligence and focus on physical health. Beware of looking for someone who is a carbon copy of your ex, or over-correcting by choosing someone completely different.
3. Prioritizing chemistry over substance or vice versa
If you are looking for a casual, short-term relationship, you can prioritize sexual chemistry over everything else. But if you want a relationship that lasts, it’s important to feel passion as well as alignment on important personal values. Being great in bed but lousy at honesty, responsibility, and reliability could make for a fun night or two, but you’ll need a person with solid character traits if you want a sustainable long-term relationship.
Make sure you don’t get so blinded by chemistry that you ignore potential red flags. Conversely, someone with a great resume but no spark is probably not a good fit either.
4. Dating someone’s potential
Do you have a history of picking fixer-uppers? Are you a little too hopeful about people’s ability to change? Do you see potential in everyone?
Be careful not to date someone’s potential rather than who they actually are. It’s not your job to rehabilitate the world one bad date at a time. Pay close attention not only to what your date says but what they do. While you will never find someone who is 100 percent perfect, don’t settle this time around.
5. Introducing kids too early
It takes a long time to get to know someone. Enjoy adult dating without kids being involved for a while. It’s not healthy for kids to meet multiple short-term partners, so wait until you think your relationship has lasting power before you bring the kids into it. Take time to get to know your date before you do any introductions.
6. Sharing too much too soon
Try not to spend your first dates with a new person talking endlessly about your divorce or your children. It’s crucial to be honest about the status of your divorce and being a parent, but you don’t need to share all the messy details right away. Instead, talk about the work you do, books and movies you like, where you grew up, and your hobbies and interests. Ask plenty of questions as you get to know each other.
7. Too much focus on whether your date likes you
It’s vitally important that you date someone you like, rather than focusing solely on whether or not they like you. Don’t present yourself as someone you think will be appealing if it means you are not being your authentic self. Too many people fall into the trap of trying to get their date to like them without fully considering how much they like their date.
Dating post-divorce can be exciting and fun if you know what mistakes to avoid. I encourage you to keep an open mind. Be selective, but not too picky.
Remember, in the early days of dating, the only thing you need to decide is whether or not you want to see the person again. You don’t have to decide if your parents (or kids) would approve, whether to move in together, or if you want to get married again. You just need to know if you want to go out one more time. If you approach dating with the mindset that you will either have a good date or a good story, it will make it more enjoyable.
