Socially prescribed perfectionism and people-pleasing are closely related, both based on the intense fear of rejection and exclusion. Socially prescribed perfectionism is the sense that significant others demand perfection from you in significant areas. This individual then internalizes these demands in the sense that they become a significant part of one’s habits and associated expectations of oneself. People-pleasing, on the other hand, is the tendency to put one’s initial wishes and needs to the side as they’re chronically superseded by the clamoring urge for approval.
Since perfectionists struggle with self-acceptance, they tend to vacillate between self-imposed perfectionism, the strong belief that their standards for themselves are justified, and its counterpart, the socially prescribed version. And much of this relates to status seeking, not merely wanting to fit in but wanting to fit in with some elite group. Due to black and white thinking, perfectionists often divide people up into winners and losers, wishing to become the former, of course. So, whatever the self is innately or naturally is irrelevant at best and harmful at worst if it doesn’t help one cultivate approval and/or admiration.
Competitive families often contribute to the development of what psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott called the “false self,” often created in large part to serve the general image of a particular tribe. The fundamental message is: You are your contributions to our reputation and legacy. To the perfectionist, becoming the best in any relevant domain is closely associated with the belief that being the best is the catalyst for the ultimate form of emotional, physical, and financial security, which is the fundamental goal of perfectionism—a life lacking pain and full of pleasure. So, while some perfectionists completely buy into the belief that the pursuit of greatness in the form of perfection is the only meaningful way of living, others pursue it solely for approval. Fortunately, this version of perfectionism may be more open to revision as the individual here, at least in part, is already convinced that the demands placed on them are unreasonable and, to a large extent, unwanted.
Since each of us is often placed in a position where we must choose between competing values, living with ambivalence feels like the norm, albeit undesirable. Perfectionists tend to struggle with ambivalence; they’re extremely concerned with rectitude and certitude. Additionally, they deeply struggle with loss aversion. And one can imagine that losing one’s place in some hierarchy might feel extremely painful to this individual, who may, in turn, ruminate on whether the loss was “right.” Returning to black and white thinking, perfectionists often conceive of one choice as good and others as bad, thereby missing the trade-offs involved.
But, in treatment, perfectionists are asked to consider them. For the price of the false self is exorbitant. You may ask yourself if your fear of loss was unreasonable. Could you not have survived and even thrived without your social standing? Would you have been unhappy in the long run if your tribe abandoned you for wanting to become your own person? Is it possible that you may be equally happy, if not more so, with a group that values you as you are? While chasing success tends to be related to more emotional highs, it’s also associated with more emotional lows, as we often fail in our endeavors and our performances. In some groups, mistakes are amplified as others force the spotlight off of them onto vulnerable others. This individual lives in an environment where security is only guaranteed, paradoxically, if one can consistently maintain what they admit are unreasonable standards—which implies a state of chronic anxiety.
On the other hand, an environment that approves of differences tends to be positively correlated with more emotional stability, limiting highs and lows, instead fostering contentment. But for many perfectionists, contentment isn’t enough. So, one may question their obsessive pursuit of security, asking themselves if it’s delusional to a large degree. When security and self-esteem feel as though they’re all or nothing, contentment can easily be discarded as an inferior state. Yet, devaluing it is often unreasonable. Adding to emotional stability, contentment brings with it everyday pleasures, including being loved with one’s values and idiosyncrasies, freedom from the sheer terror of losing one’s place in some pecking order, and the sense that one’s life can be meaningful in a way that isn’t solely defined by others.
Returning to Winnicott, he wrote, “The most aggressive and therefore the most dangerous words in the languages of the world are to be found in the assertion I AM. It has to be admitted, however, that only those who have reached a stage at which they can make this assertion are really qualified as adult members of society.” Arguably, becoming one’s interdependent yet true self, one that can stand apart from others while also contributing to the whole in some unique but meaningful manner, is the point of life. So, we may owe it to ourselves to embrace it, providing ourselves with the opportunity to fully live.
