Gratitude is often celebrated as a cornerstone of emotional well-being. Practicing gratitude can foster contentment, strengthen relationships, and improve overall mental health. However, when taken to extremes or misapplied, gratitude can morph into toxic positivity and become a hindrance to personal autonomy and growth, can stifle emotional authenticity, discourage self-improvement, and ultimately perpetuate oppression and systemic inequities.
The Problem With Overemphasized Gratitude
Gratitude becomes problematic when it shifts from being a source of reflection and appreciation to a tool for suppressing negative emotions. Toxic positivity is a mindset that insists on maintaining a positive outlook no matter the circumstances, often invalidating genuine struggles and emotions. When gratitude is used as a mechanism for this kind of relentless optimism, it can lead to emotional suppression.
For example, someone in a toxic work environment might be encouraged to “just be grateful you have a job.” While gratitude for employment is not inherently bad, this advice can discourage them from acknowledging the harm caused by their circumstances. By emphasizing gratitude at the expense of addressing legitimate concerns, individuals may feel pressured to silence their dissatisfaction and endure harmful situations. Over time, this can breed resentment, anxiety, and feelings of helplessness.
Emotional Suppression and Authenticity
A critical drawback of toxic gratitude is its impact on emotional authenticity. Gratitude, when weaponized, can deny people the space to express their true feelings. Emotions such as anger, sadness, or frustration are often labeled as “negative” in cultures that glorify gratitude, leading individuals to suppress them. However, these emotions play a vital role in processing experiences, setting boundaries, and initiating change.
For instance, a person recovering from a traumatic event might be told to focus on what they’re grateful for, such as surviving the ordeal. While gratitude for survival is valid, this insistence can trivialize their pain and prevent them from fully processing their experience. Authentic emotional expression, including grief or anger, is essential for healing. When gratitude overrides these processes, it hinders emotional resilience and long-term well-being.
Avoidance of Autonomy and Change
Gratitude, when misapplied, can also discourage personal autonomy and stifle motivation for change. A hyper-focus on being grateful can create a mindset that values complacency over improvement. This is particularly harmful when individuals or groups face systemic issues that require action and reform.
Consider someone living in poverty who is told to “be grateful for what you have.” While gratitude for small blessings can provide emotional comfort, this mindset can also perpetuate a sense of resignation. By framing their circumstances as something to be accepted with gratitude, the narrative shifts away from advocating for better opportunities or systemic change. This dynamic can be seen on a larger scale in societal contexts, where marginalized groups are often encouraged to focus on gratitude rather than addressing structural inequities.
The avoidance of change is also evident in personal relationships. Gratitude for a partner’s positive traits might lead someone to overlook significant issues in the relationship, such as emotional neglect or abuse. By clinging to gratitude, individuals may avoid taking the necessary steps to set boundaries, seek support, or even leave the relationship.
The Balance Between Gratitude and Growth
To avoid these pitfalls, it is crucial to strike a balance between gratitude and the pursuit of growth. Genuine gratitude should not come at the expense of recognizing problems or striving for change. Instead, it should coexist with a willingness to confront challenges and seek solutions.
Gratitude Essential Reads
1. Embracing Emotional Complexity: A healthy approach to gratitude allows space for the full spectrum of emotions. Gratitude should not erase sadness, anger, or frustration but complement them by providing perspective. For instance, someone dissatisfied with their job might feel grateful for the financial stability it provides while simultaneously working to improve their situation.
2. Fostering Self-Compassion: Gratitude practices should include self-compassion, recognizing that it is okay to feel discontent or desire change. Gratitude for past successes or personal strengths can be a powerful motivator for self-improvement rather than a reason to remain stagnant.
3. Promoting Autonomy: Encouraging gratitude alongside action empowers individuals to appreciate what they have while striving for what they need. For example, instead of solely focusing on gratitude for basic needs, someone might channel that gratitude into advocating for social justice or personal growth.
4. Contextualizing Gratitude: It is essential to consider the context in which gratitude is applied. Gratitude is most effective when it is authentic and voluntary rather than imposed. Encouraging someone to “look on the bright side” without understanding their circumstances can come across as dismissive and counterproductive.
I don’t intend to discourage gratitude—quite the opposite, actually. But I also don’t want gratitude to override the pursuit of growth or discourage the pursuit of equity and change. The message I emphasize with my clients and my kids is this:
You can be grateful, AND ask for more.
Gratitude is a valuable practice, but its misuse can lead to toxic positivity and hinder autonomy and change. When gratitude suppresses emotions, discourages self-reflection, or promotes complacency, it becomes counterproductive. To unlock its true potential, gratitude must be practiced in balance with emotional authenticity and a commitment to growth. By embracing gratitude as a tool for empowerment rather than avoidance, individuals can cultivate a more nuanced and fulfilling sense of well-being.
