Do you have strong sexual desire for people you don’t know, but as soon as a romantic relationship is established, you lose your sexual desire for that person?
If you have noticed that this is your pattern, you might believe there is something wrong with you. You might have heard about “avoidant attachment style” and wondered if it was your problem.
Perhaps nothing is wrong with you. You could be a fraysexual.
Human sexuality is often discussed as a fixed linear and predictable trajectory: People meet, attraction grows, emotional intimacy deepens, and sexual desire strengthens. The dominant societal narrative tells us that the only “normal” is when two people are in a long-term monogamous relationship where sex keeps thriving, and that this is what we should aspire to. But human sexuality doesn’t always follow that narrative because there is much more diversity than that.
Fraysexuality is a sexual orientation that describes a person primarily experiencing sexual desire for people they don’t know well. As emotional intimacy increases, their sexual desire diminishes or disappears entirely. This orientation is often thought to be the opposite of demisexuality, in which sexual desire only emerges after emotional intimacy is established. Both fraysexuality and demisexuality are part of the wide spectrum of asexuality.
Fraysexuality is not discussed much, so many people are unaware of it. But when fraysexuals discover the there is a term for their orientation, it can validate their experience and be transformative because finally they no longer feel “broken”.
Fraysexuality is not a fear of commitment, getting bored in relationships—or a preference for casual sex. It is a pattern of sexual desire that forms a legitimate sexual orientation. People may identify with another sexual orientation too; some people are heterosexual and fraysexual, or gay and fraysexual.
A fraysexual person tends to feel intense sexual desire at the early stages of meeting someone. The excitement of novelty, mystery or unfamiliarity are some of the essential ingredients that make the sexual desire potent. However, once emotional closeness develops, sexual desire wanes although affection and romantic feelings for the person may remain intact. It is important not to conflate the absence of sexual desire with diminished love. In our society, the dominant narrative also tells us that emotional closeness and sexual desire are naturally connected, but it isn’t so for everyone. Fraysexual people do not follow this dominant script, and, as a result, they can feel shame, confused, self-doubting, and even feeling “broken”. It is also common for fraysexuals to be unduly pathologised as having an attachment disorder or an intimacy disorder in mental health settings if the clinician isn’t aware of fraysexuality.
Of course, it is common for sexual desire to diminish over time in any long-term relationship; that isn’t necessary a sign of fraysexuality. Some people do have attachment and intimacy issues and experience sexual or intimacy disconnection with their partners. Attachment and intimacy issues can always be explored in therapy, but not as a “cure” for fraysexuality.
As with other sexual orientations, fraysexuality exists on a spectrum and experiences vary widely between individuals. Some fraysexual people lose their sexual desire quickly, while others experience a gradual shift over time.
One common myth is that fraysexual people are incapable of love or commitment. In reality, many have stable long-term romantic relationship(s) with meaningful connections, but those connections may not involve sex. And while “sexless” relationships are perceived negatively in society, they may be well-fitted to fraysexual people. However, it is also common for fraysexual individuals and their romantic partner(s) to be in open relationships that allow them to live their lives authentically and in congruence with their orientation.
Within a relationship, honesty and clear communication skills are essential, as it can be tricky to explain fraysexuality to a partner. Often, people will perceive their partner’s waning sexual desire as a rejection. But in reality, a reduction in sexual desire does not automatically equate to a lack of depth, importance or meaning in a romantic relationship. What is important is for people to find a mutual understanding of how they want to conduct their relationships rather than forcing themselves to match societal expectations.
Labels are not helpful for everyone, but they can provide clarity and relief for people who have struggled to understand themselves and their sexuality. Discovering the label of fraysexuality can help individuals recognise that they are not alone and not “broken”. Such a label can help form a language in which more public discourse can happen, making fraysexuality more visible, and normalising it as being a part of natural human sexual diversity.
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Human connection and sexual desire are more complex that the simple models society often promotes. Understanding that complexity can lead to a greater acceptance of human diversity, and lead us to be kinder towards each other’s differences.
