We all have activities we wish we did more often (or at all), along with things we wish we did less (or never). We may want to exercise more, drink less alcohol, eat healthier, reach out to loved ones more, make more time for our hobbies, read more, or scroll social media less. Or we may want to listen intentionally to others, engage in acts of kindness, or express gratitude more readily. Often we may recall our aspirations around these, briefly commit to making changes—then quickly find ourselves reverting to old habits or inertia.
People, ourselves included, tend to see these failures as a lack of willpower or motivation. If we only tried harder, wanted it more, had more discipline, surely we could make these changes stick! And yet we don’t have more than we have of those things—so we end up feeling frustrated with and critical of ourselves.
And then, of course, our moods worsen, our motivation wanes further, and we find it even harder to make the changes we desire. Rather than continually trying harder and beating ourselves up, we can instead apply principles of behavior change (e.g., Wood, 2024 to effectively reduce problematic habits and increase desired habits.
Add or remove context clues
Our habitual responses are often triggered by specific contexts or cues—and then, once cued, our habit energy takes over, and we proceed automatically, without intention or choice. I, for instance, habitually click on the icon for my work email on my phone. Sometimes I do this with intention: I want to make sure no one needs anything from me quickly, so I click on the icon while I’m waiting for a meeting to start or standing in the elevator. But I have done this so often that I have worn a groove of habitual responding that leads me to click that icon anytime I have my phone in my hand. Over the summer, I removed the icon from my phone, and now I no longer find myself just waking up in the morning, reaching for my phone, and immersed in an email before I’ve even consciously started my day.
If we want to increase a habit, we can replace cues in our environment and connect them to the behavior we want to increase. Replacing unhealthy snacks with healthy ones in the same location will lead us to find the healthy snacks when our habit energy leads us to the cupboard. Posting reminders or images that cue the actions we want to increase, like resonant quotes or pictures that are tied to values-based behaviors, can remind us of our intentions and make it easier for us to practice building up the habit of doing more of what matters to us.
Keep practicing
Changing well-worn habits takes time and patience. Each time we engage in our new desired behavior, we are increasing the new habit strength and weakening the old one.
Practice, practice, practice—as the saying goes—and as we continue to practice, our new behaviors will gradually feel more natural and automatic and happen more readily.
Cultivate kindness toward yourself
One of the biggest barriers to making change is the self-criticism and disappointment that we easily feel when we fail to make the change we’d hoped for. To begin to shift this, we can follow psychologist Dr. Roxanne Donovan’s advice and give our inner critic a name. And then, when we notice the voice of our inner critic arising, we can acknowledge it (“Thanks for your opinion, Mortimer!”) and then make a point of meeting ourselves with compassion and care, perhaps stroking our own hand and saying inwardly, “You can do it, dear one. One step at a time!”
Remember that habits operate outside our awareness, and changing them is challenging and takes time and patience. Praise and reward yourself for any small change you notice, and bring curiosity to any lapses that occur to see if you can come up with a new strategy for developing or strengthening a new desired habit.
Start small
Often, we make goals and set intentions that are too vaulting in scope and too hard to implement all at once—especially given how automatic and strong so many of our habits are, and how well-worn our mental and behavioral grooves are. Instead, think about one small change, one small part you can realistically attempt to work with, and start there.
Any time you interrupt habit energy and do something different, you are strengthening a new behavior and weakening an undesired one. That doesn’t have to take a long time. A quick text to a friend strengthens habits of connection; a five-minute stretch to interrupt the habit of sitting at your desk weakens sedentary habits; 30 minutes of work on a project or task you’ve been avoiding interrupts that well-worn habit of avoidance, opening new possibilities. Choose one or two small habits you want to add to your life, and then try doing them again and again.
And when you falter, remember that faltering is human—and try again.
