We have all made some bad choices in love and in life. Sometimes, others can see that we are about to make a bad decision, but we don’t see it ourselves. Yet, we still go forward, choosing the wrong path. Why?
There are certain psychological processes that bias our judgment in making decisions. Here are 4 of them:
Rationalization. Rationalization is a very common defense mechanism whereby we try to explain away our doubts, fears, and misgivings about a choice we have made or are about to make. For example, a friend who had just gotten out of a bad relationship was about to jump into another one. His father told him, “I’m surprised at how similar she is to your ex. Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” My friend rationalized, “Dad, she’s nothing like her. She’s completely different!” Well, history repeated itself, and the same dysfunctional pattern happened in this relationship as well.
Another form of rationalization bias occurs after we make a risky decision, we become even more sure that the decision was the right one. For example, sports bettors become even more sure that their team is going to win after they put their money down, compared to how they feel before making the bet.
Contrast effects. I knew a woman who was on the market shortly after ending her second marriage. “My last two husbands were emotionally cold and distant, and that’s why it didn’t work. This new guy, however, is warm, caring, and loving.” Unfortunately, this relationship also didn’t work out. The new partner was a bit more emotionally available than her exes, but there really wasn’t much difference. She fell victim to a contrast effect. In comparison to the other two, this guy was better, but not by much.
Halo Effect. The halo effect is when one salient personal characteristic colors our whole evaluation of a person positively. This bias is what happens when someone becomes infatuated with a particularly attractive dating partner. Because the person is beautiful/handsome, the halo effect leads us to assume other positive qualities (e.g., charming, witty, sociable) that may not be present. Result: another bad dating decision.
Peer Pressure Bias. Sometimes it’s not our personal biases that get in the way, but we succumb to others’ opinions and may doubt our own perceptions of a potential partner. “All of my friends say that s/he is the perfect one for me!” A never-married college friend told me this about the woman he was dating as he neared his 40th birthday. He had some doubts, but decided to propose marriage. He also said, “The clock is ticking, and I’ve dated a lot of women. This is a small town, so I’m running out of options.” [This comment suggested another bias – the scarcity bias.] As you may have guessed, the marriage didn’t last long.
How does one combat these biases in decision making?
Be honest with yourself. First and foremost, when making any kind of decision (but particularly when deciding on a long-term relationship) it is important to try to approach the situation objectively. Do some self-reflection. What are you really looking for in a partner?
Get multiple opinions/perspectives. Ask for others’ honest opinions, but don’t over-rely on anyone else’s evaluation.
Search for objective evidence. The best predictor of future behavior is past and current behavior. Observe how the other person behaves now. Look at past patterns of behavior. Don’t expect that they are going to change just because they say they are.
