At their best, friendships provide a range of positive benefits, such as companionship, stress reduction, and emotional support. But they can also have a dark side—marked by manipulativeness, exclusion, and intense duress.
The costs of having a toxic friend are indeed high. These relationships can stir up confusion, guilt, and self-blame and lead to academic and professional underperformance, social withdrawal, and an unstable sense of self.
But what is it actually like to be in a toxic friendship? This was the central question of a study conducted by researchers Muhammad Arifin and Andi Muspida. They contend that breaking away from toxic friends is no easy feat. The undertow of aggression can be difficult to identify, and there is often unconscious pressure to stay in it. But, the authors argue, if you know what to look for, you have a better chance of disengaging before lasting harm is done.
To that end, the collaborators launched their study by recruiting undergraduate students who had experienced or were currently in toxic friendships. The participants were between the ages of 19 and 24, and had dealt with distress, manipulation, or peer pressure in their social circles. In the final tally, there were eight participants (five females and three males). The researchers conducted face-to-face, in-depth interviews that were then analyzed for themes.
Participants’ narratives yielded three overarching themes, which are summarized below.
1. Emotional Exhaustion
Toxic friendships left participants chronically emotionally depleted, especially if they were long-term. They described these relationships as manipulative, passive-aggressive, exclusionary, and replete with peer pressure.
The weight of these dark dynamics led to cycles of anxiety and self-doubt. One participant remarked, “I knew she wasn’t treating me right, but I kept thinking maybe I was the problem. I didn’t want to lose my place in the group, so I stayed quiet.”
The analyses also revealed that participants’ emotional exhaustion compounded over time, leading to academic and social withdrawal, and even mental health crises.
2. Performing Belonging
This theme captured the paradoxical experience of “being visible yet unseen.” Interviewees stayed in their toxic friendships because they feared becoming socially invisible. They saw belonging to a harmful peer group as the better option over being socially isolated. An interviewee shared: “I felt like a background character in my own life. They noticed me only when they needed someone to pick on, but I still clung to the idea that at least I belonged somewhere.”
3. Moments of Agency and Emotional Detachment
Despite the emotional weight, some interviewees reported moments of deep reflection and gradual detachment from toxic friends. These growing spaces of clarity grew from burnout or validation from a non-toxic person in their lives. A participant recounted: “It hit me when someone from another class said, ‘You’re actually really kind.’ I realized I didn’t have to accept being treated badly.”
The key to regaining their sense of self, participants felt, was recognizing their worth and value.
Arafin and Muspida conclude their study by emphasizing why toxic relationships can take root so stubbornly: the internal conflict between the drive to belong and the costs of remaining in harmful relationships.
