Adam Grant’s recent Substack, “The Truth About People Pleasing,” got 1,000+ likes for a reason: it offers a useful corrective to the ways many of us learn to go along to get along. But it also left me wanting a little more nuance.
There’s nothing wrong with trying to please people—in fact, it’s a great way to express a value of caring for others. What matters is slowing down enough to notice our motivations and remember that we are worth pleasing, too.
When caring for others is our default
Back when I was a pimply, insecure middle schooler, I used to bring all kinds of snacks on the bus to swim class. It wasn’t out of deep care for the other, more popular people on the bus; it was because I wanted to be liked.
People pleasing is tricky. Many people, especially women, are conditioned to subsume their preferences to others. As social creatures, it’s all too easy to become so concerned with what other people think that we lose track of where their preferences end and ours begin.
There’s a tendency, as I did on that bus, to believe that unhealthy people pleasing is just being kind. Adam’s piece offers a useful reframe:
“The root of chronic people pleasing is not concern for others. It’s concern for their acceptance and approval.”
Using the example of a frigid Uber, he also reminds us that pretending we don’t have preferences isn’t magnanimous:
“Sharing your preferences is not a display of disrespect. It’s an expression of self-respect.”
So: a big “yes” to empowering people who have been conditioned to go along to get along. Especially for those socialized to routinely sacrifice themselves for others, learning to name a preference, set a boundary, or say no can be a powerful correction. Knowing this would have helped me see my so-called generosity on that bus with clarity.
Lots of reasons to care
But there are also lots of reasons to show up for someone that have more to do with our values than being liked.
Recently, my mom wanted to go to the French Open for her 80th birthday. I’m not a tennis fan, but I was excited to go with her, not because I was people pleasing, but because honoring her preference was a way to show love. My friend Rachel routinely organizes potlucks and gatherings, not because she is invested in how others see her, but because she loves connecting others.
Pleasing others can be pleasurable. The polyamory community uses the word compersion to refer to the pleasure we can feel in another person’s pleasure. Buddhism offers a related invitation: mudita, or sympathetic joy. This is where we take genuine delight in someone else’s success or well-being.
And we can honor others’ preferences without erasing ourselves. In Adam’s Uber example, maybe you pull out your jacket because you notice the driver is sweating and you care about them being comfortable, too.
The outward choice of keeping quiet might look exactly the same, but what matters is where it comes from.
Choosing
When I shared my “yes, and” to Adam’s article in a comment, another reader, Julia, responded: “People pleasing is (in my experience) something I do without thinking.”
She’s onto something: the practice is slowing down enough to ask where the yes is coming from. Am I agreeing because I’ve been taught to care more about your needs than my own…or because generosity is important to me?
In other words, the opposite of people pleasing isn’t saying no or setting a boundary; it’s choosing. Sometimes standing up for yourself means saying no. That “no” can protect your energy, time, and sense of agency.
And sometimes the best way to stand up for yourself is to be generous, gracious, and kind, because those are your values, too. Remembering this can keep us from overcorrecting in the other direction. As another commenter on my post, Eleanor, put it: “This enthusiasm with boundaries has made our world a very cold place.”
Calibration, not rules
In my book, Sometimes You Should Be Late, I write that living a values-aligned life means remembering that “multiple things can be true at once.” Caring for others doesn’t have to mean abandoning ourselves. In fact, showing up for others—pleasing them, if you will—can be one way of showing up for ourselves. Similarly, honoring ourselves and our preferences can make us more able to show up for others.
People-Pleasing Essential Reads
This requires calibration, not rigid rules. Sometimes we over-index toward others. Other times we overcorrect and treat our own preferences as the only ones that matter or forget our interdependence. Slowing down is how we course-correct.
