A fake friend is someone who pretends to be your friend but doesn’t genuinely care about you or your well-being. They may act like your friend on the surface but displays insincere, or self-serving behaviors.
1. Prioritize Their Own Needs
When someone consistently puts their interests first, it creates an unbalanced relationship.
Their self-serving behavior typically shows up in several distinct ways.
They may use you for emotional support, seek practical help, or try to gain access to what you have rather than valuing who you are.
These people might show interest because you have something they want, whether that’s status, money, or connections with certain people.
Their friendship is conditional on what they can gain from you.
‘He started showing an interest in me, asking me to join them for football matches and nights out. I soon realized it was all because he was interested in a girl I know and used me to get closer to her.’
2. Lack of Genuine Interest and Reciprocity
In these relationships, engagement remains superficial and one-sided.
They may act friendly on the surface, but their interest lacks depth – they don’t really listen, remember details about your life, or engage meaningfully in conversations.
Instead, they treat you more as a sounding board, primarily talking about themselves and steering conversations back to their experiences and needs.
This pattern extends to social media, where they might tag you in posts with captions like “BFFs” for public show, but barely acknowledge you in private.
You’ll find yourself consistently initiating contact and maintaining the relationship while receiving little engagement in return.
‘There are many things I like about her, but she does speak a lot about herself. I often feel like she’s not really listening when I speak and tell her about my life. Sometimes she asks me questions just so I ask her back and she can go on a monologue about herself.’
3. Trust and Boundaries
These individuals frequently breach trust and disregard personal boundaries for self-serving or spiteful reasons.
They might share your secrets, gossip about you, align with people who’ve hurt you, or betray your trust in romantic situations.
When confronted about boundary violations, they often try to guilt you or minimize your concerns.
Their unreliability shows in consistent pattern of empty promises and last-minute excuses.
They make commitments they don’t intend to keep and show little regard for your time or emotional investment.
‘I asked her many times not to bring up a certain topic, but she kept asking me about it. She even tried to guilt me into talking about it by saying things like ‘If I was your friend, you’d share that with me.’
4. Negative Impact on Your Life
These relationships often become emotionally draining through various forms of negative behavior.
They might criticize your appearance, choices, or character, often disguised as concern or humor through backhanded compliments.
Their competitive nature leads them to downplay your successes and constantly try to outdo your experiences.
They tend to create drama and may try to pull you into destructive behaviors rather than supporting your growth.
Most notably, they often employ exclusion tactics – leaving you out of social gatherings, avoiding introducing you to other friends, or creating inside jokes that deliberately make you feel like an outsider.
‘Whenever I tell a story, he can always top it. If I say I’ve meditated for 10 days straight, he’ll say he’s meditated for 20 days. If I say I had a good review at work, he’s had a great report at work. And even if I say something bad happened to me, something terrible has happened to him.’
5. Contrast with Authentic Friendship
True friendship involves a balanced give and take, where both parties actively invest in the relationship.
Authentic friends will challenge you when necessary, offering constructive feedback that helps you grow rather than criticism that tears you down.
They support your personal growth and encourage choices aligned with your values and goals.
Real friends remain present through both good and bad times.
While they’re not responsible for solving all your problems, they don’t disappear when times get tough.
They contribute positively to your life, respect your boundaries, and demonstrate their care through consistent actions rather than empty words.
‘We always went out together and did fun stuff but when my girlfriend broke up with me and I went through a bad time, I didn’t hear from him once. I guess I wasn’t fun anymore and that’s all he was interested in.’
This example shows the contrast between fair-weather friends and true friends who stick around during difficult times.
How to handle a fake friend
Consider the following advice for handling a fake friend:
1. Assess the context
How you handle a fake or bad friend depends somewhat on the context.
There’s a lot of advice out there telling you to cut off your friends if they do any of the things mentioned above.
This oversimplifies complex relationships into just good or bad, but life is more complicated than that.
remember
- Sometimes it’s not that obvious when a relationship is fake.
- No one is perfect and conflict is a normal part of every relationship.
- If a person displays some of the signs, it doesn’t necessarily make them fake.
People are rarely all bad – they have good and bad traits.
So, in some cases, it might be worth having a conversation and implementing boundaries, instead of cutting them off entirely.
Ask yourself:
- How does this person make me feel?
- Do I always feel drained after spending time with them?
- Or, do they lift my spirit?
- Do they make me a better person?
- Or, do I lose myself with them?
2. Two things can be true at the same time
Relationship expert Esther Perel encourages people to consider both the good and the bad of a relationship:
Someone can be overly competitive but caring and good at listening.
They can be a bad listener but always have your back when you’re not around.
A person can be unreliable at times but show up when it truly matters.
3. Remember their behavior reflects them, not you
Manipulative, jealous, or self-serving behavior is a reflection of their personality and insecurities – they’re not acting this way because of you.
Remember, happy people don’t need to put others down, so their behavior is probably due to deep unhappiness, insecurity, or lack of confidence.
Confronting the Situation:
- Assess the Importance of the Friendship: Consider how much this friendship means to you and whether it’s worth trying to salvage. If it’s a casual acquaintance, it might be easier to let the friendship fade naturally. However, if it’s someone you value, you might want to address the issue.
- Evaluate the Potential Consequences: Think about how the other person might react if you confront them. Are they open to feedback or are they likely to become defensive? If you’re concerned that a conversation could damage the friendship beyond repair, it might be best to avoid it.
- Consider Your Motivation: Be honest with yourself about why you want to confront them. Is it to improve the friendship or is it more about seeking validation or proving a point?
- Be Prepared for Different Outcomes: The conversation may go well and you might be able to repair the friendship. However, be prepared for the possibility that they might not be receptive to your feedback or that the friendship may ultimately end.
Implement boundaries and have a conversation
As Esther Perel discussed in her podcast, it can be difficult to address issues with friends because it requires feeling vulnerable.
She says it can bring up thoughts like “Maybe I care more about you than you do about me?” or “Maybe they have better friends than me?”
It’s often much more emotionally challenging to end a relationship than it is to set boundaries and create distance or reframe the friendship.
And to allow the friendship to grow and let go of resentment, hurt, or anger, it’s important to talk about what’s bothering you:
If you decide to talk to them, approach the conversation with kindness, empathy, and a willingness to listen.
1. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and avoid accusatory language:
Start by identifying the behaviors that have caused harm and express how they made you feel.
For example:
- “It hurts my feelings when you cancel plans last minute”
- “I find it difficult when you make jokes about …”
- “Sometimes I feel like you can’t be happy for me”
2. Set specific, reasonable boundaries:
For example, asking them to be more reliable, not discuss particular topics, or stop behaving in certain ways.
3. Be firm about your boundaries :
But let me know that you value their friendship, and you aim to improve things between you.
A true friend will understand and respect your boundaries.
If they become defensive, ridicule you, or take no notice of your boundaries, you’ll know they’re not a real friend.
If necessary, walk away
Ending a friendship, even if that person is fake or toxic, can be very difficult and painful.
But if the relationship is negatively impacting your well-being, it might be best to end it.
In the best-case scenario, you would let that person know by being honest and direct about your feelings and why the friendship is no longer working for you:
- Tell them why you can no longer be friends with them
- Avoid blame and accusations, focus on your needs and feelings instead
- Have the conversation in a neutral, private setting
- Clearly define boundaries – whether that’s ending contact completely or limiting interactions
- Be prepared that the other person might be defensive and hurt – try not to engage in arguments and remain calm
The Buddha said:
- The friend who is all take
- The friend of empty words
- The friend full of flattery
- And the reckless friend
- These four are not friends, but enemies
- The wise understand this
- And keep them at a distance
- As they would a dangerous path.
